Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
If you hate discussing past events, you're in good company. A lot of people hate discussing past pain points, especially when it is a disagreement with their partner. It can feel like living in the past, like it "only makes things worse" (I hear this a lot) and maybe you feel like you just want to look to the future. These perspectives aren't bad, they are just incomplete and they may be coming from a desire to avoid. Perhaps, you're wanting to avoid because you feel like you know how the conversation is going to go or you fear the conversation will lead to disconnection with your partner or with yourself. These fears can be signs of insecure attachment patterns (avoidant, anxious, disorganized). To learn more about attachment patterns read this.
When we let these attachment patterns win, and refrain from hard conversations it prevents needs being met and keeps us in patterns of disconnection, fear and a lack of needs being met. This is where understanding your attachment patterns and working to manage them can be very valuable. Read this post (point 3) for where to start with this. If you would like to take a free quiz to identify your attachment styles click here.
When Looking Back Hurts
Revisiting past events can be hurtful even when you're willing to look back at past events in order to heal. There are some more specific things that can make it even more hurtful. For instance, if you're revisiting a past hurt that was traumatic to both of you. Going back to a time that was traumatic can bring up old hurts and triggers that can leave you in an elevated state that lasts beyond the conversation. When this is the case it can be best to make sure you have grounding and coping skills that can help bring you back to a healthy level of functioning. A few worth looking up are the container exercise, 5 senses grounding and progressive muscle relaxation. Also, when you start to feel overwhelmed in the conversation, it is best to gently ask for a break, use your coping or grounding skill, maybe get outside for a bit and return to the conversation later when you're calm and you can start to consider your partner's point of view. Signs that you are overwhelmed are: an elevated heart rate, repeating the same lines over and over, wanting to leave the situation or finding that you only want to criticize your partner instead of working toward a solution. If these tools don't seem to go far enough for you, I encourage you to reach out to a couples therapist who is also a trauma therapist. They can help watch for signs of being triggered and make sure that emotional safety is maintained in difficult situations.
Sometimes it hurts because one partner is trying to hurt the other by bringing up the past. If the past is being brought up to hurt rather than heal, this needs to stop immediately! At best, it is very hurtful and creates distance using shame. At worst, it can become manipulative and abusive. If you think that you could be in an abusive relationship, please look into the resources below this paragraph to help you better understand your situation and make the safest decisions for yourself. You deserve safety and respect.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
Or check out their website here.
In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.
If you know that you sometimes use past events to punish or at least to let them know that they are not off the hook, I can understand how you got there. It can feel like mentioning that past hurt, reminds both of you that it can't happen again and that can feel important. However, that pattern needs to stop because it can unintentionally create a moral hierarchy of the person who did wrong and the person who must keep them in line. Not surprisingly, this deepens the chasm of disconnection between you two. The best approach, as long as the relationship is emotionally safe, is to lean into the hurt together by processing what happened and coming to a resolution. More on how to do that in a bit, there is more to say about that feeling of punishment when hard conversations become necessary.
Sometimes talking about the past feels like punishment when it isn't a punishment, sometimes hard conversations just suck. Unfortunately, hard conversations are an unpleasant necessity of relationships. It might feel like punishment because you don't enjoy discussing past hurts. You may dislike discussing past hurts because it makes you feel incompetent. Perhaps, it brings up emotions in yourself or your partner that feel uncomfortable to witness. Maybe this is because growing up, you weren't taught how to respond to your emotions or someone else's. For your benefit and the benefit of your partner, it can be helpful to learn how to show up for emotions. This will allow you to better care for yourself and others. It can also lead to greater emotional resilience that can allow you to process past hurts. My free co-regulation and self-regulation guides can help you start to learn these skills.
When Looking Back Is Helpful
Sometimes things come up later because we find ourselves in a similar situation as we were in before and it gives us a reason to look back. Sometimes we have to revisit an event because something prevented us from discussing things the way we wanted to or needed to back then. That can be due to not having the skills we needed or we were lacking emotional safety at that time, or particular circumstances prevented proper processing. My point is that there are any number of things that can make it necessary to discuss something again. As long as there isn't a desire to punish or shame, it can be very helpful to process these hurts again. It is important to approach these hurts in a manner where each person is being respectful, listening to understand rather than just respond, validating one another, sharing your own realities, your triggers, taking responsibility through apologies and talking about how to move forward constructively. The Gottman Institute's Aftermath of a Fight can be a great format to follow to lead to resolve. You can attempt this on your own, but if it begins to feel difficult to move through on your own and reach a resolution, you may want to find a Gottman Method trained couples therapist to help you and your partner talk through it together.
Once you are able to discuss these past hurts again, you'll be able to move forward on the same page about what is considered a problem and what is considered a solution in your relationship. This builds connection, resiliency and confidence in your relationship. You will likely begin to feel like you're on the same page, you know how you'll respond in hard times and you feel like you can trust yourself and your partner. Yes, it can be hard work, but with the aforementioned payoffs, it's worth the effort.
What Happens If You Decide To Not Process Past Hurts?
Every choice has consequences. Often, when you choose avoidance, you get to experience immediate relief. Later, you get to experience delayed tension and broken trust in your relationship. This happens because when you respond to pain and needs when they arise in your relationship, you're both learning that you can trust your relationship to be a safe haven, a secure attachment. When you and your partner decide not to process past hurts when there are clear unresolved hurts, you open yourselves up for resentments, distrust and anxiety as you wonder what you can actually expect in your relationship. This would be a more insecure attachment. If something still hurts in your relationship and you feel like you can't talk about it or advocate for your needs around it, you tend to become resentful. When you become resentful, your anger and fears about the relationship tend to sneak out in passive aggressive ways. This passive aggressiveness can lead to feelings of uncertainty of what to expect in the relationship, which perpetuates distrust in your relationship.
If it feels like there is a statute of limitations on what can be discussed in your relationship. I strongly encourage you to reconsider that rigid approach. As having the hard discussions regarding past events, helps you two get on the same page, rather than living two different realities where you don't agreed on what has happened, what a problem is and what a solution is. This, of course lead to distrust, which leads to disconnection.
So, in short, as uncomfortable as it may seem, revisiting these past hurts to gain a better understanding of each person's experiences, emotions and needs leads to greater connection and a more secure relationship. Not revisiting past hurts when it is clear that there is still unprocessed pain around past hurts can lead to distrust, disconnection, resentment and an insecure attachment. While it can be scary to have difficult conversations, I am confident that you can do hard things.
If you're looking for individual or couples therapy in order to help you work through hurtful events from the past and you'd like to work with me, click the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out to me.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
