Are We Too Different To Be Together?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

This is one of the top questions that I have heard from couples over the years. Sometimes it isn't even a question, its a declaration. "I think we're just too different to make this work."

I hear this the most when things have been really hard for quite awhile. It seems to be the answer that makes the most sense for them. The thing is though, it doesn't have to be that black and white. There is a lot more nuance to this situations than just, "are we too different?" So, let's wade through the nuance.

What Should We Agree On?

The question itself is not off-base, there does need to be some sameness in the relationship in order for it to work. Some key areas to be in agreement on are:

• How to manage money.

• Whether or not you both want kids.

• Faith

• Where to live.

• Shared values in terms of how you view the world and how to treat others.

• Agreed upon boundaries.

• You must agree on what constitutes safety in the relationship (more on this later).

If you don't agree on any of these things, it's a good idea to at least need to have a plan in place as to how you are managing those differences. For instance, if you are of two different faiths, how have you agreed to respect one another's faith practices around important holidays? It is important to make sure that each person's needs and emotions are not only being heard, but fully understood and connected with emotionally. By this, I mean that it is important that you can each respond empathetically to one another.

Managing Differences

While managing these differences, I like to encourage people to categorize their issue into one of three categories. The first category is that this issue is currently one person's issue to manage. For instance, maybe one partner needs to get clear on what they want while the other already knows, so the issue mostly falls in the unsure person's court for now. Second, is that it is something that you both need to actively manage together, which means periodic check-ins and roughly equal effort put forth to manage the issue. Third, is that the topic has moved into the category of being a deal breaker. Once the topic is in this category, it is time to start planning how to respectfully end the relationship. When it comes to these categories, it is important to revisit how things have been progessing and honestly assess which category this issue fits into now.

When you disagree on key topics and you don't have an agreed upon plan as to how you will manage these differences, you will likely find yourself gridlocked on these perpetual issues as the Gottman Institute states. Something that can help you move outside of the gridlock is stating to deeper needs. Gottman method suggests using the Dreams Within Conflict and the Two Oval Method to help navigate this. Later on in this post, we will explore how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you understand these deeper needs.

Negative Sentiment Override

When an issue goes on for a long time without having any reasonable management or solution, negative sentiment override can kick in. The Gottman Institute informs us that Negative Sentiment Override is when one or both partners have a hard time seeing the good in the relationship and may even skew good things as being neutral or negative. This negative sentiment override pops up automatically as a way to protect oneself from the pain of feeling let down repeatedly.

If this feeling settles into the relationship, it can feel like you just can't win and you're not sure how to untangle it. Each of you being able to express your feelings, needs, differences, experiences in the relationship is a great place to start. If it feels difficult to do, working with a couples therapist can help you when you get stuck.

How To Beat The Odds

Some say that the differences between them balance out the relationship and keep things interesting. At the end of the day, each couple gets to decide for themselves what is sustainable for them. If you decide that you and your partner's differences are not deal breakers, then you need to know what will help you go the distance.

What truly makes the difference, no matter how different you are, is effort. That effort is comprised of: self-reflection, knowing yourself, taking responsibility, emotional intelligence, and the like. The common denominator of these characteristics is that they are centered on tending to your side of the street. Making sure that you are doing everything you can to put your best foot forward in your relationship. It includes being honest with yourself about where your stumbling blocks are, what your triggers might be, it may mean going to individual therapy to work through your past. It also means making sure that you're coming to conversations in a calm/regulated and respectful manner. It means refraining from blame and inviting your partner to collaboratively look at the dynamics in your relationship together. This makes the difference because, when you're both doing these things, it doesn't require either partner to be overly responsible for the other. When one partner feels overly responsible for the maintainence of the relationship this can accidentally create a hierarchy that feels like a parent-child dynamic. This is far from ideal and kills intimacy quickly.

But when you're both taking responsibility for your side, it looks like growing together, bravely entering new levels of vulnerability, setting deep and meaningful goals together, disagreements feel calmer, reasonable and frequently have resolutions. This is possible when you both show up willing to do your part. If you're afraid that you can't get to that place because you haven't been there before, I want you to know that it is still possible. I believe that the best way to get there is through working with an Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT).

EFT is a type of therapy that looks at the dynamics in relationships on several different levels and helps both partner explore those layers together. It is another, deeper way of looking at your different needs together. You'll look at your behaviors, your thoughts, your emotions and your needs that go beneath the surface. In your sessions with your EFT therapist, you won't just talk about these dyanmics, you'll work through these difficult dynamics in real-time while also learning how to have these conversations at home. It is a great option, especially if you're having a hard time taking responsibility for your respective parts in the relationship or identifying them in the first place. It is another method that can move you two past gridlocked issues.

Safety Is Non-negotiable

While some things can be negotiated, you cannot have two different definitions of what is considered safe in the relationship. If you think that your relationship might be abusive, please check out the resource below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788

Or check out their website here.

In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.

When You Truly Can't Decide

If all is safe, but you're still stuck, you truly feel like you need another perspective, it can sometimes be helpful to get an outside opinion. Sometimes it can be helpful to get some feedback from those around you that know you well and have seen the two of you together. You could ask family and friends or perhaps they have already shared their thoughts. Knowing when to listen to family and friends can be very helpful. They have known you for a long time, likely even longer than your partner.

Sometimes family and friends can see things that may be blindspots for you and they also may understand your needs, values, personality in a deeper way that can be helpful in these situations.

Of course, they aren't always right though. Sometimes their own hang-ups in relationships or whatever benefit they believe they have from you being in a relationship or not being in a relationship may cloud their advice. In these instances, it can be helpful to get a perspective from a therapist that doesn't have a vested interest in the outcome.

Stay-or-go therapy can be helpful in these situations. This type of therapy is to help individuals or couples decide whether the relationship is right for them or whether it is time to move on. We'll be sure to discuss the most important issues in a direct, yet way that gets to the depths of the real issues to help you two make the best decision. If it is decided that the relationship needs to end, then we will work on how to end the relationship in a way that honors both people.

What's next?

You two are the ones that actually get to decide how different is too different for your relationship. Not a therapist, not your family, not a compatibiliy test, not your best friend. It takes time and careful consideration to make a decision. I encourage you to come up with a plan (reading books together, therapy, etc) together and stick to it. I wish you the best in navigating your options and making the best choice for you.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through this indecision, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help support you.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, goes paddle boarding, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.