"I Did What My Partner Asked, Why Are They Still Criticizing Me?"

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

You care a lot about what your partner wants and you will do almost anything to make them happy. So, when they bring up something that they want a certain way or something that isn't working, you do your very best to make things right. You're usually pretty good at doing things the right way in every other part of your life, so it's a bit a of shock when they continue to criticize you after you've done your best.

You try to talk to tell them that it doesn't feel good to continually be criticized and they share that they don't feel like you're trying. But YOU ARE!!! That's the hard part. How can they say that you're not doing your part when you feel like you're putting forth a great effort? What is actually going on here? Let's take a look at some of the main themes that could exist in the relationship and then we will dive into each one.

Some Possible Scenarios...

• While you're meeting the need, you're not matching your partner's emotions in those moments. So, you two are not feeling connected while you do what is asked.

  
  

• They usually have to ask you for what they want or need. After asking for the same thing for some time, they wonder why you can't remember. If you remembered and initiated the action in question, they would feel more prioritized.

• This is a newer need and you're both still figuring out the nuances of what this need looks like in certain circumstances.

• They are feeling especially vulnerable in the interaction and they get critical or defensive to protect their own vulnerability.

This list isn't exhaustive, it is what I see most often. The first two are the most common issues that I see. Each scenario is painful for both partners. It is painful to not have a need met over and over for years. It is also scary and worrisome when if feels like your best efforts are falling short and you don't know what to do. As we explore these scenarios a bit more we will look at what could be going on and what your potential options are.

Not Matching Emotion

This one can be easy to miss for both partners. The partner, who has the need that they feel like isn't being met, doesn't always know how to articulate that their emotions aren't being matched by their partner. And the partner that is unintentionally missing the need doesn't always realize that they are not in the same headspace as their partner.

What this can look like is partner A asks partner B to have weekly dates. Partner B obliges and makes sure that they have weekly dates night, but doesn't look forward to the date night, does feel excited or happy about it, but continues to meet the need. Partner A then becomes frustrated because they are concerned about what it means that their partner can't be excited about the date nights with them.

To identify if this is happening in your relationship, think back to some situations in your relationship where you two weren't on the same page. Did it feel awkward between the two of you during that interaction? Did it feel like you were each defining problems and solutions differently? I encourage you to explore this scenario and these questions with your partner to see what comes up. I also encourage you to ask your partner if, upon reflection, it felt you two were not in the same place emotionally. Then explore your individual perspectives of what is an issue in your relationship and what a solution might look like.

To change these dynamics and get on the same page, it can be very helpful to process through these past hurts together. The Gottman Institute's Aftermath of a Fight can be a helpful way to explore what occurred, what emotions came up, triggers that amplified the situation, take responsibility for your part and come up with a plan to prevent this from happening in the future. Go even deeper by asking one another about the emotions and longings that led to the situations that occurred. Discussing these deeper emotions and needs is the work of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). If you're looking for a bit more support with these deeper questions, I encourage you to work with an EFT therapist. An EFT therapist can guide you through the places where you get stuck with emotions or get caught up in the words that are being used. They will help make sure that you're going deep enough emotionally while also making sure that you're working towards healthier patterns of connecting and communicating.

Make checking in a weekly habit by implementing the Gottman Institute's weekly, State of the Union meeting. This way you can make sure you and your partner are well aware of one another's emotions and needs. And you're making sure that you're making the progress with solutions you came up with for your relationship issues.

Your Partner Usually Has To Ask

This is one that you might be more aware of because the partner in need can identify it more easily and they often get to a place where they aren't afraid to point it out.

What this can look like is, partner A often reminding partner B of what they need. Then partner A can feel like partner B doesn't care because they view partner B as not making the effort to remember their preferences and meet their needs. This can make partner A feel unloved.

It is possible that in this scenario, partner B might feel overwhelmed by this season of life, is having a hard time learning new behaviors, or they didn't grow up with this type of value, so they are struggling to make a change. This is why it it important to communicate about what is going on. If partner B is struggling for some reason, having a collaborative discussion about what to do next can help correct course. I encourage partner B to initiate this conversation because partner A is usually the one reminding partner B of what they need. This shows that partner B can take initiative and is aware of the issue.

Be honest with yourself about whether you are partner A or B. Remember that in one type of circumstance you might be partner A and in another you might be partner B. And this fip-flopping or roles can be true in all four of the situations mentioned in this post.

If you are the one often dropping the ball, the best thing you can do is address that you know that you are missing the mark and what your plan is to get back on track. It might sound like, "I know that I haven' been doing a great job of putting events in our shared calendar. It's been really hard to change that pattern for me. But I think I will change the background of my phone to say, 'Put plans in shared calendar' and I can start asking for a moment to put an event in the calendar when I'm planning things with people. I think that could be helpful for me." This lets your partner know that it is important to you and you are working on a plan to meet the need, even if they don't see the changed behavior yet.

A Newer Need

You two might have more recently breeched this topic and are still surveying the situation. It might feel clumsy and confusing to navigate, leaving you two missing each other more often than you're connecting.

When this is occurring, it can be helpful to define (together) the patterns you get into, come to an agreement and become a team against this cycle and check in regularly about how you're progressing. Again, the Gottman Institute's, Weekly State of the Union Meeting can be a great way to structure these check-ins.

If the check-ins aren't feeling like they are doing enough, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) can also be a helpful way to really zoom in on the nuances of your patterns. Examining the different layers of behaviors and the longing beneath the needs can lead to greater understanding, closeness and problem-solving.

Some words of advice, be gentle with yourself, be gentle with your partner and know that this trial and error is normal. We have very established patterns in our lives and neural pathways in our brain that we have created over many years. It takes time to learn another way and it is so human to make mistakes, get frustrated and re-route. If you're in the middle of this process, you're not failing, you're on your way to figuring out how to manage this. It just takes trial and error.

If you need more substantial proof that this normal, let me introduce you to the Gottman Institute's research on perpetual problems. Perpetual problems are issues in a relationship that come up time and again that don't have a clear solution. The Gottman Institute shares that 69% of issues in couples relationship are perpetual problems. You are not alone if you feel like it can be difficult to find solutions in your relationship at times. So, what do you do if you if you're up against perpetual problems? Having some acceptance for the existence of perpetual problems in your relationship is a great way to start. Then, accept that you'll have to manage the these perpetual problems as team against the problem rather than against each other. The tools and tips mentioned in this post are a great way to get on the same team.

They Feel Especially Vulnerable

They want to connect, but they also feel very scared about what the connection could mean for them. Connection hasn't been safe for them in the past and they try to protect themselves by pushing you away with criticism or defensiveness. In these circumstances, doing what they asked or doing things right can feel like a threat to them because it leads to closeness in the relationship. They may not even realize that they are behaving this way because it has become an automatic defense mechanism for them.

While this could be happening, this can be harder to assess because you need your partner to reflect honestly on their internal experience and share that insight with you. Because they are already feeling extra protective of the matters closest to their heart they may be resistant to reflecting and sharing. Sometimes engaging in something with prompts like a book, podcast, or working with a therapist that can ask the right questions can be the best approach. In these circumstances, I encourage you to work with a therapist that is trained in some sort of attachment-based therapy as these modalities look at the impact of past relationships on current relationships. They also explore the deeper needs that drive behaviors. My favorite modality is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) because it doesn't just help you understand where these relationship patterns came from, but helps you work through them in real-time. EFT offers Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) and Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT). I would encourage EFCT or EFIT in this type of scenario.

If your partner decides to do this work either individually or as a couple, I encourage you to be patient with them. This work can take time and feel really scary at times. It can also be helpful to remember the result that you dream would come from therapy might not be exactly how things turn out. Putting very specific expectations on them while they do this work can make the process more of a struggle. Instead, have hopes that are a bit broader, like, "I want us to communicate more.", "Our goal is to resolve more of our disagreements.", "I want there to be more respect in our interactions towards one another." or "I would love for us to feel more like friends again." or something similar.

What To Do Next

It is important to first, get on the same page about what is happening. Which of these four scenarios might be true for your relationship? Get clear on what the problem is, map it out a bit. What happens first for you two and then what happens next? What do you two tell yourselves about the issue? How do you feel when it is happening? What are your deeper needs beneath what is happening? This is a part of what you explore in EFT and finding the answers to these questions together can help you feel like more of a team.

Then, implement some of the tools in this post. If you might yourself running into some obstacles, it might be time to work with a couples therapist.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of an EFT therapist to work through these concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help support you.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, goes paddle boarding, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.