The Good AND Bad of Self-Improvement

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

With the start of a new year comes hopes of changed behaviors and a better life. Perhaps you have fallen off of your New Year's Resolution plan already. If so, you are in good company. Most people desert their new year's resolution by mid January. There is nothing inherently wrong with having a New Year's Resolution or ending your pursuit of a new goal. Or even with recommitting to your goal after falling off. However, there are some things to consider when contemplating these paths.

Is This Goal For You Or For How People View You?

If your goal is about connecting with yourself, doing something that will truly lead to a better life for you, go for it! Some examples that might fit in this category might be going to bed earlier so you have more energy for your day, learning another language to make traveling easier, or spending less time on social media.

If your new year's resolution is about making sure people will view you in a particular way, I have some bad news: you can't make a goal about other people because you can't control other people. Even if you think you'll know what will make them view you differently, love you or consider you in a particular way, you can never fully know what makes someone tick.

Some examples that you might not realize are about what someone else thinks about you are: weight loss, obtaining the latest and greatest technology/cars/clothes/etc, reaching for a goal that others around you have achieved, but you have never assessed whether it is actually right for you. That is not to say that these goals are never about you, they are just a few that can sometimes end up being about pleasing other people. People pleasing is engaging in behaviors to make others happy without fully considering if these behaviors are also good for you. People pleasing can sometimes veer into being image-focused as the motivation for people pleasing behaviors can be about being seen a particular way.

You might not even realize what you're doing. You may accidentally be engaging in people pleasing. It might not even be for a particular person. You might be trying to fit what you believe is society's or your community's idea of a likable, successful person and you may be losing yourself in the process.

These types of image-focused goals can put you on a never ending roller coaster of always trying to fit into someone else's box; be better in someone else's eyes without truly considering what it means for your life. Can these goals fit your schedule, your budget, your health metrics, etc? If they can't, they likely aren't worth pursuing. Sometimes these goals need just a little more self-reflection to determine if they are actually right for you.

How Can You Tell If Your Goals Are Actually For You?

It might actually be harder to tell than you think. We are constantly being bombarded with ads on TV, social media, podcasts, in memes and so forth that tell us who we should be and what we should buy. This can accidentally cause you to strive for something that isn't actually coming from within you. So how can you tell the difference between when a goal is bubbling up from your own dreams and desires vs an image that someone else conjured?

Check in with your emotions. Notice what you feel when you think about this goal or you take a step towards that goal. What is the emotion that you experience and what are your thoughts around this goal and emotion? What do you think these things are trying to tell you?

If you find that you're having a hard time naming your emotions around these goals, do a body scan when you think about this goal. To do a body scan, you start by noticing the the very top of your heard and then move your awareness down your head, your face, your neck and onto the rest of your body, noticing every sensation. When you notice a sensation in a particular area, pause. What do you notice about the sensation? Is it tingling, stinging, pulsating, does it have a shape or a color, is there movement to the sensation? Do any other words or thoughts come up with the sensation? What messages do you believe are being communicated to you through these sensations? Being able to answer these questions can help you understand your feelings a bit better.

Understanding your emotions can help you understand if your goals are actually right for you. Sometimes goals are more productivity focused, status focused, image focused than actually being focused on what is sustainable and fitting for your life. To assess sustainability it is important to look at your actual needs, your schedule, your budget, talk with your doctor, if necessary, to help you make the best decision for you.

When considering your health, make sure your health related goals are based in actual health and not just what is popular. There is a very popular notion that thinness is the same as being healthy. This isn't necessarily true. You can exist in a bigger body and still be healthy. You can be thin and very unhealthy. Your bloodwork is more often a better indicator of your health than a number on a scale or what someone perceives with their eyes. If you're pursuing thinness and based only on what you see in the mirror or the number on the scale then you may not be considering whether being thinner is actually healthy or sustainable for you. Talking with a doctor can help you find a goal is actually right for you.

What Will Achieving These Goals Bring You?

Goal setting can be wonderful. Setting goals can help you enjoy a life outside of work, explore interests, build your confidence as you gain a new skill, meet new people, become more financially literate, learn what doesn't work, so you can move on to what will work. The possibilities are endless. It's not about knocking goals, it's about setting goals with intention. So, it's time to ask yourself some important questions.

Be honest about what these goals could do for you. Will you be more organized? Kinder? Happier? More connected? Will you experience nature more? Will you support your community better?

And what will the cost be of pursuing these goals? Will you have to buy lots of equipment? Will you have to create more time in your schedule by cutting other things out? Will you read more? Will you push yourself outside of your comfort zone more ofter? What will the impact be on other people and responsibilities in your life?

How can you plan for the changes that need to make space? Will you have an accountability partner? How often will you check in? Will you break your goal up into smaller milestones to help keep you motivated? This can be a helpful tactic. How will you celebrate achieving these milestones? How often will you check-in with your mind and body to make sure the goal is serving you well?

Write these answers down and sit with them a bit. Notice how they strike you. Where do you feel it in your body? What does it feel like to notice that sensation in your body?

Maybe it all checks out. Maybe things feel aligned and you have a great plan in place. There might be one last thing to consider, the pattern goals may play in your life.

Do You Often Get Caught Up In Chasing Goal After Goal?

Have you ever gotten the feedback that you're always chasing some sort of self-improvement. Do you ever feel like constantly pursuing self-improvement is wearing you down? If you sometimes get the feedback that you're constantly pursuing new goals or if you never feel happy with yourself, it might be time to pause your goal setting. Perhaps all the goal setting is a symptom of how you're actually feeling about yourself. You might be struggling to like who you are and you're using goal setting to compensate for the things you fear that you lack. Pursuing the next goal without working on your relationship with yourself might further your self-loathing.

If you're concerned that your goal setting is just a bandage for deeper issues, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist that can help you reconnect with yourself by working on self-esteem issues. This work may include working through past traumas, exploring and working with core beliefs and examining the nature of current relationships. Doing this work can help you understand and love yourself better, so that you can enjoy goal setting and life as it is rather than your enjoyment being dependent on achieving your goals.

Maybe Goal Setting Is Right For You

If you have determined that resolutions and goal setting are right for you, let's explores some questions to help you stay dedicated to your goals in a healthy way. Do you need an accountabilty partner? Do you need to schedule, weekly, monthly or quarterly check-ins with yourself? These check-ins aren't just about progress towards the goal, they are also to check-in about the sustainability of how you're working towards this goal. Is progress towards your goal still working with your schedule? Does this work still feel good in your mind, body and soul? What changes may need to take place, so you can keep working towards your goal in a way that allows you to still care for health?

Writing down your goals can help you stick to them. If you have determined that your goal is worthwhile, write it down. Write your plan for pursuing it down too. Creating a checklist associated to your and checking off the milestones can give you a dopamine hit that can keep you engaged in achieving your goal. Also working your new plan towards your goal into your schedule, like an item on an itinerary, so that it becomes a reguar habit, helps you to keep making progress even when your motivation is lacking.

Perhaps this post has helped you realize that are some things that you might like to work on. If you would like me, as your therapist, to support you on working on your people pleasing, self-esteem or holding yourself accountable, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.