How To Know If You Should Marry Them (After You Have Tried Everything To Get Off Of The Fence)

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

You have been sitting with this gnawing feeling for quite some time now. You might be engaged or have been considering marriage and the possibility feels like it is looming. It feels like the walls are closing in on you and you just don't know if you can make the right choice. How can you know for sure if they are really the right person? How can you know if marriage is really right for you?

Let's go back to the beginning.

It started out well enough. You found someone you enjoy spending your time with. They kept things interesting and there were enough green flags that you were able to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That is, until you saw yourself nearly approaching the altar.

Suddenly, things feel real in a way they didn't before. You realize that with the legally binding agreement of marriage, it becomes harder to change your mind. Whether that is changing your mind about where you want to live, or how you want to live, or who you are as a person or what your day-to-day experience is like. You'll be doing it all with the same person and their strengths and weaknesses become woven into your life in way that heavily influences the narrative of your life as well. What you do or don't do in life will be, in part, determined by who you decide to spend your life with. You feel the pressure of this building in your chest, kicking up anxiousness in your stomach and creating racing thoughts in your mind. Sometimes, it feels like enough to make you walk away.

Yet, that isn't the whole story. You love your partner. Together you have experienced the adventures of life, created your own inside jokes, shared meaning and strengthened your resilience together. Your time together has been significant and walking away feels like it doesn't honor what you two have had. Plus, you don't just think about how you feel about it, you think about how your family would feel, what vacations with friends would start to look like and what it would be like to start all over again on dating apps. It's sobering to consider. It stops you in your tracks and you realize that you're firmly stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You're not the kind of person who just lets life happen to you though, you get out there and find the answers. So, you have searched the internet, scoured social media and spoke with those who seem wiser than you, all to find the answers about what to know and what to do when you find yourself in this position. And, despite all of your efforts, you still feel lost. It feels like a complete toss up between whether you stay or go. You love them and you fear this decision. Full stop.

So now what?

If You Are Engaged, But On The Fence

It can feel like a sinking feeling in your gut to realize that what you agreed to may not actually be right for you.

The consideration that your long-term relationship might not be right for you is a harrowing thought on its own. It becomes even heavier when you add a deadline to the mix. So, to make this pressure less overwhelming, let's start by taking a deep breath, putting your hand on your heart and say to yourself, "This is really hard. It is okay if I feel scared/worried/sad/anxious. I'm doing the best that I can." This is a Dr. Kristin Neff self-compassion exercise and it can help you prepare for facing the problem.

Then, I encourage you to write down, in a private journal, what you believe the problem is right now. Write down what the problem is, who it impacts what you fear that this could mean for you, for the relationship, for your future life together. Write down every possible fear and emotion.

Then write down some strengths of the relationship and the things that make you want to stay. The things that make you believe in this relationship.

Then write down some ways that you could work on things on your own or together, write down some realistic ways that things could go in a positive direction.

While you're journaling, notice, what sensations come up in your body? Any tension? Any jitters? Do you exhale with relief? Are tears welling in your eyes? Does your bs detector go off as you write any particular paragraph or sentence? Is there anything that feels so profoundly true as you write it down? Take a moment to write down which sensations come up and what it feels like these sensations are communicating. Read everything you have written again. Sit with it. Tell your feelings that they are welcome here. Notice what it feels like to just let that exist and be true. Often removing the struggle of trying push down emotions or feeling bad about feeling them can bring relief. Don't push yourself to come to a conclusion. When you feel ready to move on and do something else, you can do that. But come back later and sit with these words and practices again, noticing all the same things and notice anything new that comes up. Again, you are not pushing yourself to come to a conclusion. You're giving yourself the space for gentle reflection, so you can allow the truth about what is right for you rise to the top of all those emotions. You can come back to these entries or add to these entries as many times as you want until you feel ready to decide.

Feeling rushed and pressured confused you, so slowing down, welcoming emotions and gently observing without harsh judgement can help give you clarity and confidence to take the next step.

Even after completing this exercise, you may feel like you want some more insight on what may be going on for you. Let's explore a few possibilities of what might be coming up.

Is It Cold Feet?

We've all heard it said before, "Getting cold feet is perfectly normal." And it is normal. It can also feel massively uncomfortable, especially if it is feeling like it never lets up, like the doubts are constantly present.

Have cold feet about getting married is observing the committment of marriage, seeing all the pros and cons that come with marriage and wondering if you're ready in one way or another. It might sound like, "What if we start fighting like we did during the worst part of our relationship?", "How do I know that they will always be faithful to me?", "What if I fall out of love with them?" These thoughts can cause you to spiral into imagining every worst case scenario.

Ultimately, with cold feet, you can get to a place where you feel confident in who your partner is and what you two have created, so that it doesn't feel as scary to face the unknown together. Sometimes your mind just has to visit difficult thoughts and allow yourself to think out these questions to the most natural conclusion to help you feel more at peace. Even if you have some doubts or fears, you still see more pros than cons when you think about your relationship. You can reason that your partner is the best possible option for you.

If it feels like there are more cons than pros, if it feels like you can't think it out to a logical conclusion and it feels like your intuition is trying to warn you of something then it may benefit you to talk about these concerns with a therapist.

Is It Insecure Attachment?

When we are talking about attachment styles, we are talking about how you give and receive love in your relationships. Insecure attachment can be an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment that can make you question the safety of the relationship regardless of whether it is safe or not.

When someone has an anxious attachment they tend to fear being abandoned, so they are hyper aware of their partner doing anything that may resemble creating more distance in the relationship. This may lead them to often be critical of their partner. They have an underlying belief that if they can spot the issue in the relationship and call it out they can protect themselves. However, not everything that they fear is a threat is actually a threat. They may sometimes accuse their partner of things that they fear are happen, but do not know for a fact. They might also reach for their partner in abundance, sometimes in a connecting way and sometimes in a way that might be more like checking up on their partner. Between this and the criticism, this can create a lot of conflict, doubt and distance in the relationship. Underneath it all, they want connection, closeness and to feel chosen, prioritized and considered.

Someone with an avoidant attachment often fears being too close to their partner. It isn't that they don't want their partner around. They are just afraid that if they let their partner become too emotionally close to them, they will lose their individuality, their freedom, their goals, their future, etc. So they tend to lean out of the relationship by minimizing the connection between them and their partner, rarely engaging in vulnerability, shying away from showing up for their partner's emotions and other similar behaviors. This can create a dynamic that feels like a chase when someone with an avoidant attachment is in a relationship with someone with an anxious attachment. In this situation, the partner with the more anxious attachment is doing the chasing. Underneath it all, they do want to be seen and understood and feel close to their partner as long as they can still be themselves. They want to be appreciated for who they are and what they bring to the relationship without anyone trying to change them.

When someone has a disorganized attachment they tend to go back and forth between showing patterns that appear like anxious attachment and those that look like avoidant attachment. However, they are switching between the two patterns rapidly within the same relationship. It often doesn't appear that there is a clear pattern in their behavior. Their objective is to feel safe in the relationship and they are not sure what will make them feel safe, so they fear both closeness and distance in the relationship. They tend to have little trust in the relationship or themselves when they are caught up in going back and forth in these patterns. Underneath it all, they do love their partner and want to be close, but based on their previous experiences it feels difficult to trust the relationship.

All of these insecure attachment types are often operating automatically in the subconscious, so the partner does not even fully understand that they are enaging in these insecure behaviors much less understand why they are engaging in the behaviors. When these patterns exist in the relationship it can create distance in the relationship and this distance can lead to doubts, especially when considering marriage.

It is worth noting that there is also a secure attachment type. A person with this attachment style does not fear closeness or reasonable distance in the relationship as they understand that both connection and automony are important. They don't feel a desire to chase or to flee. They can set boundaries and respect their partner's boudnaries and they don't often feel suspicious of the relationship. If your relationship feels like this most of the time, then attachment concerns probably aren't the source of your doubt in your relationship.

It can be helpful to know which attachment style you tend to lead with and see how that might be impacting how you are thinking about your relationship. If you would like to know your attachment style, take my free attachment quiz here.

Is It What Others Are Saying?

People you care about in your life might be making negative comments about love or relationships. They may even be saying very specific things about your relationship in particular. In either scenario, these frequent comments may be having an impact on how you view your relationship. They might not actually apply to your relationship at all, but some about these comments feel probable enough that they spur doubt.

Take some time to sit with the possibility that how others think and behave might be impacting your relationship. Then write down what comes up. What phrases stick in your mind the most? What do you fear that will mean for you and your partner? How likely do you think this hypothetical situation is (in your relationship)? What evidence do you think that there is to support this theory? Write it all out. Include any other stray thoughts that come up. Again, take space from what you wrote and come back to it later to see how it lands. If it feels difficult to sift through feedback from others, sorting through it with a therapist can help.

With all these scenarios (cold feet, attachment, what others are saying) to consider, you can return to the original journaling exercise and see if that makes anything feel a bit clearer. The next step might mean ending the relationship, it might be asking your partner to have some hard conversations together, it might be reading a book together that is related to relationships. Whatever the next step is, you may be able to face it together.

If You're Trying To Decide If You Should Get Married (Not Yet Engaged)

Or maybe you have been together for quite some time and marriage feels like the next step that everyone expects, but you just aren't sure that it is right. You know that you have been together long enough and you know what your partner, and maybe even other people, expect. You just don't feel that pull towards marriage. It may sometimes feel like it is a "you issue" where the lack of desire for marriage is driven by your previous individual experiences. Other times, it may feel like perhaps something in the relationship is keeping you from feeling like you should marry your partner.

The other categories (cold feet, attachment concerns, what others say, perfectionism, etc) could be a factor here, but it is also important to look at whether or not you have assessed how compatible your lifestyles are. Have you discussed, in detail, how you both handle money, whether or not you want to have kids, where you want to live, your individual life philosophies and spirtual beliefs (if any), etc. If you want more detailed information about what to consider when contemplating marriage check out this post . It is also important to remember that while there is some good guidance of what to look at when considering marriage or starting pre-marital therapy, you will also have questions and concerns that are unique to your relationship that should be explored more deeply. Maybe you are nervous because you haven't explored all of the big questions relevant to you two yet. Perhaps exploring these questions can help you get off of the fence. A pre-marital therapist can help make sure that you're turning over every necessary stone to help make the best decision for you two.

Nothing Is Perfect

It is reasonable to want to reach a place of peace and acceptance for the relationship that you have. And an important part of getting to that place is acknowledging that no relationship is perfect. You also must accept that you can never have a 100% guarantee that your marriage is going to go exactly the way you imagined it would. Nobody gets 100% of what they want 100% of the time. That doesn't mean that you should suck it up and push your feelings down or settle for less than you deserve. It just means that you should be honest about whether you are expecting perfection in your relationship.

If you have done pre-marital or pre-engagement therapy, you talk about your relationship on a regular basis, you love them and your family and friends approve then your nerves might be more about not being able to predict the future than whether or not this person is a good fit for you.

That being said, only you can truly know what is right for you. If your intuition is screaming at you that this isn't right, you might be picking up on something even though everything looks good on paper.

The feelings keep getting bigger and bigger in a way that you simply cannot ignore. Both you and your partner deserve the clarity that addressing this concern would bring.

Intuition vs Anxiety

It can feel tricky to discern between intuition and anxiety at times. Getting in touch with your body and what it is communicating to you can help. Intuition and anxiety can feel a little different for everyone, but there are some patterns that we see. Intuition often feels a bit more confident even when it is hard. Intuitition can be felt in the chest or stomach. It can feel like peace and/or decisiveness without fully understanding why it feels that way. It can also be accompanied by an inexplainable type of acceptance, almost like a wisdom that feels bigger than you.

Anxiety can feel like it has a lot energy in it, like buzzing, fluttering, moving. It can cause you to feel jumpy and like you need to take quick action, even if you don't have all of the facts. Anxiety is also often felt in the chest or stomach. It can lay out all types of scenarios in your mind with great detail, even if you don't have the facts to back it up. It can feel so sneaky because it can make your fears feel like reality. Considering if there is evidence for this concern can help call anxiety's bluff at times.

If it still feels difficult to discern, try the body scan and journaling exercise or work with a therapist to sort things out.

Where perfectionism may show up here is that you may be feeling concerned about marriage because maybe you didn't date the recommended amount, maybe you don't perfectly align on some topics, maybe they don't do certain things exactly how you imagined that they would. All of these thoughts can swirl in your mind and cause you to fear that you have been entertaining a set of cirumstances that would bring you a life of unhappiness. This is a common theme in our society, that you must do everything right and if you don't then it is your fault if you are unhappy. While there are studies that show patterns for best practices when dating or being married, the felt sense of the relationship is the ultimate judge of what is right for you both. Simply put, if you're both happy, if you're both safe and feel cared for then what works for you both is more important than "the rules".

Also, make sure you aren't solely focusing on the concern of whether you want to marry them or not. Over focusing on your concerns can keep you from gaining important perspective on your situation. So go have fun with friends, spend time with your partner, get in nature, do something silly or stress relieving. Do these things without focusing on whether you want to get married or not. Then, when you return to this concern, you might just have a refreshed perspective that can lead you closer to the right decision.

If you're still struggling with this decision, seeking out an individual therapist or couples therapist can also be helpful in identifying what is going on.

What Is The Next Step?

It might feel like you have to make this decision alone because this doubt is coming up in YOUR mind and body. You do not have to face this alone. You can bring this to your partner in most circumstances. Be honest about the doubt and the fear. Maybe they are feeling it too. Maybe you can figure it out together. It could bring you closer together. In the event that it doesn't bring you closer together, it might give you the opportunity to end things in way that still honors one another.

If you believe you might be in an abusive situation, bringing this to your partner can put you in a dangerous situation. When you are trying to figure out if you are in an abusive situation, I encourage you to use the resources below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788

Or check out their website here.

In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.

Wrapping Up

Perhaps this post has helped you realize that are some things that you might like to work on. If you're still not completely sure what feels right, you can come back to this post more than once and see if anything in particular starts to stick out a bit more.

If you would like me, as your therapist, to support you on working on sorting our your feelings about getting married, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email or give me a call.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.