Alignment vs Attunement

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Most of us have received the relationship advice that it is very important to be on the same page as your partner. It's not bad advice, it is really helpful to be on the same page as your partner. But now you find yourself in a situation that feels like it contradicts that advice. Lately, it feels like you agree on most things, but you still don't feel close. There is a distance that is difficult to describe. It may sometimes feel like you're partners, but not friends. The relationship might feel like it is missing emotional depth. Attempts at being close feel more surface level than they used to. It can feel scary to observe this change and not have words for it, almost like your relationship is slipping away from you and you can't stop it.

If this is your experience then what you might be experiencing is the difference between alignment and attunement. Alignment means that you two can agree on things. Attunement means that you know how to respond to one another's emotional needs because you two are intentionally dialed in.

Attunement can feel slippery to define in words, as everyone's road to being seen and understood is different. However, when you have that attuned feeling of emotional safety and security in your relationship, you know it; it's hard to deny.

Both alignment and attunement are very important in relationships. In this post, we will explore both alignment and attunement and how you can achieve both in your relationship.

Alignment

Alignment is being on the same page about the important parts of your relationship. When aligned, you two agree on what is considered a problem and what is a solution in most circumstances. Similar values can help guide moments when you two don't feel like you're on the same page. Having similar values can sometimes feel like attunement even though it isn't.

The reason having shared values can feel like attunement is because getting on the same page can make you feel emotionally closer. However, this is not the same as responding to one another's emotional needs. The difference is that even though you may have similar values, you may not always feel understood in your experiences, emotions and thinking. To truly show up for one another's emotional needs, it is helpful to understand this background information. We'll cover this more in the next two sections.

However, alignment could lead to attunement if you two worked to get on the same page (using shared values to guide you) and you also explored one another's deeper thoughts and more vulnerable emotions to meet each others needs.

Attunement

Attunement is when both partners understand and respond to one another's needs and emotions. This is done by intentionally taking time to tune in to yourself and with one another in a way where you can reflect on your needs, emotions, your defense mechanisms, and your thinking your patterns to start. As you are able to explore these things, you work to bring your walls down and allow your partner to see you more fully. At the same time, ideally, your partner will be working to do the same to allow you to see all of them. You will also work to better understand your partner's emotions, body language, thinking and needs. Overall, you both want to understand the context of one another's experiences and show up for one another with comfort and validation. When practiced over time, you two can become so in sync that you may even be able to respond well to one another in some circumstances where there is little communication.

Working on attunement takes regularly setting aside time to talk without disruptions. It also takes prioritizing connecting with one another by genuinely desiring to understand each other.

This process to become attuned is the objective of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). This is delicate work and it is helpful to have the support of a therapist to guide you through attuning to one another. We'll explore this further in the next section.

How To Have Both

So, how do you make sure that you have both alignment and attunement in your relationship? Both start with communication. Discuss your values and your priorities to become aligned. Make sure you're being honest with yourself and with your partner when you do so. Below are some areas to check in about. This is not an exhaustive list.

Areas to Consider

• Financial goals and practices

• Life philosophies - how you view the world and view interactions with people

• Whether or not you want to have kids

• Where you want to live

• How you define and practice honesty

• Spirituality and faith practices

• Beliefs and habits regarding communication

• How do you each view emotions and talking about emotions

• The effort you're willing to put forth when things get difficult in the relationship

• How you prefer to spend your free time

Once you find that you two are aligned, you're ready to work on attunement. As mentioned earlier, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is a great way to become more attuned to your partner. The process of EFCT allows you both to experience your negative cycle in real time in session, so that your therapist can see what happens and help you untangle it. Your therapist will do this by helping you access deeper emotions, gently stop you when your negative cycle is going off of the rails, ask questions that allow you to reflect in ways that you never have before, help you connect with the signals that your body is sending you and help you build a positive cycle and deeper emotional connection. There can be so many twists and turns in the form of misspeaking, misunderstanding and getting caught up in emotion that it can be helpful to have a therapist helping you navigate the terrain.

If now is not the right time for couples therapy, a book that can help with attunement is Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of EFCT. Read the book together, discuss the content and practice the conversations.

I hope this post has helped you not only realize the difference between alignment and attunement, but helped you see that both are possible. You are capable of doing this work together!

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

If you would like to work with me as your couples therapist to help you and your partner become more aligned and attuned, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich Premarital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.