What Is Disorganized Attachment?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

In continuing my overview of attachment patterns, this post will be about disorganized attachment patterns. For those that may not be familiar, attachment patterns are are how you give, receive, and respond to love in a relationship. The patterns are characterized by how (or if) you advocate for your needs and respond to the needs of your partner. You can find my post on anxious attachment patterns here and my post on avoidant attachment patterns here.

There are four different attachment patterns: anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure. The insecure attachment styles are anxious, avoidant and disorganized. A secure attachment style is considered the healthiest attachment style.

A disorganized attachment style may also be known as fearful-avoidant. I will be referring to this attachment style as a disorganized attachment style in this blog post.

A disorganized attachment style often gets a bad reputation due to an unclear pattern of reaching for their partner, then pushing them away. This rapid shift in behaviors can feel very chaotic to their partner, which can make them feel unsafe. Because there often isn't a clear pattern to the behaviors, it can feel very difficult to untangle and heal. But as we have learned in exploring the other attachment styles, even confusing behaviors can serve an important purpose. In an effort to better understand those with a disorganized attachment pattern and therefore better support those with a disorganized attachment, let's explore the stories and needs behind the behaviors.

Disorganized Attachment Overview

Disorganized attachment is a mixture of behaviors that can look like anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, but the individual goes back and forth between these patterns rapidly and without a clear pattern.

A disorganized attachment pattern has some similarities to both anxious and avoidant attachment styles in that they will sometimes reach for their partner with urgency for proof that they are loved and accepted by their partner. They also will push away their partner in an effort to protect themselves from feeling too vulnerable and losing themselves in the relationship.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style is trying to understand how to survive. These patterns came from growing up in an environment that showed them that relationships, love and caretaking were dangerous and erratic. They experienced or witnessed abuse or trauma and have learned to be hypervigilant for these patterns in their relationship even if logically they can understand that the relationship that they are in is different. Growing up, they couldn't find a clear pattern in how to get their needs met or stay safe, so they shift their approach based on what their nervous system is perceiving. They grew up with a lot of fear, manipulation and even trickery in their life and now they expect that in their relationships. They don't trust themselves or others because of this. While those that they are in relationship with are receiving a lot of chaotic behaviors from them, the individual with the disorganized attachment is first experiencing that chaos within themselves. They are trying to figure out how to stay safe in their relationship as the ins and outs of relationships can feel incredibly dangerous. This is why their reactions can feel so extreme, their nervous system is telling them that what is occurring in the relationship could be life or death. Sadly, they might not always trust safe and healthy behaviors because of this.

Disorganized Attachment Patterns in Relationship

• Difficulty trusting themselves or others

• Feeling suspicious of too much distance and uncomfortable with too much closeness

• Frequent fights that may seem like they came out of nowhere and don't follow clear logic

• Always waiting for the other shoe to drop

• Can be both demanding and rejecting and can switch between the two very quickly

How It Started

Like all attachment patterns, disorganized attachment most likely started in childhood. Their caregivers were a source of fear rather than a source of comfort. Growing up, they often found their natural desire to be close to their caregivers to be followed by abusive, neglectful or otherwise traumatic interactions. Because this started with their desire to be close to their caregiver, it becomes difficult for them to trust themselves. They also learned not to trust others because of abuse, trauma and neglect that they experienced.

A disorganized attachment can also be formed in adulthood if someone experiences abuse or trauma in their adult relationships. Any type of relationship where fear is a central tenant can help establish the disorganized attachment patterns. It does not have to stay this way though, it is possible to earn a secure attachment. And they may not have a disorganized attachment presentation in every relationship that they have.

Nuances and Changes in Attachment Patterns

As we have covered in all of my attachment style posts, a person can have different attachment patterns with different people. Just as every person is different, every relationship pattern with each person can be different. If you have a friend that tends to be more anxious, then you might be more avoidant in response.

If you would like to learn more about your attachment style breakdown, take this free attachment style quiz.

If you find that your attachment patterns are a source of anguish in your relationship, you can work towards a more secure attachment style. Someone with a more secure attachment style feels comfortable communicating, even about difficult topics, trusts that they can feel safe in the closeness of their relationship as well as when there is some space in the relationship. They value the safety of their relationship and they enjoy contributing to the safety of the relationship. For these reasons, it is no wonder that many people desire to have an earned secure attachment style.

How To Work With Attachment Patterns in Your Relationship

An earned secure attachment is still possible with intentional relational work. Some trauma therapy may also be necessary to help heal from the trauma that has been experienced.

The relational work will need to include both partners learning to understand and advocate for their own needs as well as working to meet the needs of their partner. Though this is not done simply by completing a task that a partner may want done. It is done by learning to attune to the emotional experience and needs of your partner, while also being aware of the experience within yourself. For this work, I encourage you to work with a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). In EFCT, your therapist will help the two of you identify your negative attachment patterns, create emotionally safety between the two of you and create healthy attachment patterns.

Part of these healthy attachment patterns is being comfortable co-regulating and self-regulating. Self-regulation is when you calm yourself on your own and Co-regulation is when you calm yourself with someone else. Self-regulation can look like journaling, going for a walk, taking deep breaths and so much more. Co-regulation can look like hugging, talking through something, validating one another's emotion and so forth. To become more comfortable in the regulation styles that you feel least comfortable with check out my free self-regulation and free co-regulation guides. If you have a disorganized attachment, I encourage you to take a look at both guides.

Perhaps this post has helped you realize that are some things that you might like to work on regarding attachment. If you would like me, as your therapist, to do individual or couples attachment work, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich pre-martial therapy, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.