Perfectionism In Men

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Perfectionism is ever-present in our society. It is expected in how we approach work, how we carry our bodies, what we're expected to strive for and is used in how we are marketed to. Yet, men often aren't who we think of when we think of perfectionism, often we picture women. This may have something to do with what society expects from women vs what they expect from men. This is unfair on both accounts.

But men DO struggle with perfectionism and it is important to identify and address. Men can feel paralyzed in their perfectionism just like anyone else. It can keep them from doing the things they really want to do, from connecting in relationships, from taking risks.

Perfectionism in men can look like a lot of avoidance, isolation and brutal inner dialogues. If it isn't being named then men can be struggling with issues that they don't understand, can't name and may then start to feel hopeless.

If you're concerned that this might be you, keep reading to see if this resonates and to learn what you can do next.

How Perfectionism Shows Up

The most common places that I have seen perfectionism show up in men, based on my work.

• Desire to be a good financial provider

  
  

• Physical abilities: this includes things for the household, sports, sex, work and so forth

  
  

• A strong desire to always feel competent and then a strong desire to avoid when they don't feel competent. This can show up with emotions, relationship matters, caretaking, and so forth.

  
  

• Having an order to things, this could be a protocol, moral code, organization or something similar

  
  

• Determination to have the "perfect" body type, presentation or fashion sense.

• Holding other people to the high standard that they hold themselves to

  
  

These categories can show up in women too, but in this is post will capture the nuances of men's experience with these areas. In my next post on perfectionism, I will look at perfectionism in women.

For men struggling with perfectionism, when these high standards are not met, they often beat themselves up with lots of negative self-talk. Often, these scripts are the messages that they heard and internalized from society, their peer groups, abusers, family, or friends. The inner narratives create pressure long after the initial stressors or trauma has passed. This is because it feels like this strategy is needed to survive.

In the next section, we will talk about why this shows up and settle deeper into how we see it show up.

Why Perfectionism Shows Up

To get straight to the point, perfectionism develops as a way to cover for shame. Somewhere along the way, a lot of men learn, directly or indirectly that they should be ashamed of themselves. It can come from family or friends frequently bullying them, from the affection of caregivers being withheld, it can come from traumatic experiences that communicated to them that this was their fault. This list is by no means exhaustive, in fact it doesn't even begin to cover the messages that society communicates about who men should be. Whatever experience you may have had that made you feel like you're not enough and you should over perform to make up for it, is a valid experience. I'm sorry that you experienced that. What should have happened when you went through that is that your pain should have been seen and responded to. Someone older and wiser should have been there to listen to you and help you make sense of it, so you could heal.

Now, certainly, there can be all types of complicated reasons why that did not occur. I'm more concerned right now with the fact that it didn't occur because when you didn't get what you need, you felt the weight of figuring things out on your own. When you had to make sense of things with your young mind and limited life experiences, you concluded that you just have to be better. This is when perfectionism began to set in. It told you that you could be safe as long as you could be perfect.

So, you obeyed and you suffered inside. You dug deep and were the strong one. For yourself and others. You pushed it deep down inside when you felt sad, lonely or tender. You pretended you didn't have needs or feelings, that you didn't fall in love and that you couldn't be fooled. All of these things gave you an image, but not connection. This façade kept you from being truly seen and cared for because no one knew the real you. It took so long to see it because the reality of not getting what you wanted was not the promise of perfectionism. But now the cracks are showing when you can't relax, when you can't allow yourself to get too close to someone, when you don't feel like you know yourself, when you become indecisive and lonely.

You might beat yourself up when you don't get things right. Or you give in to whatever someone else wants in order to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of being wrong in how you show up. This people pleasing gets in the way of what you really want and can send the wrong message to your partner.

You don't know what else to do though. You have seen this modeled for you by people in your life or put upon you by your coaches, peers or your community. Perfectionism is automatic at this point.

Something has to change, so that you can feel like yourself and have the life that you dream of for yourself.

What Can Be Done To Face Perfectionism?

Perfectionism can be really hard to let go of because it is often highly praised by others. People around you see the fruits of what your perfectionism brought you, promotions, good looks, being well liked by others, impressive accomplishments in school and in your career and so much more. It can be hard to break free from perfectionism due to the fear that approval and acceptance from others with disappear as you heal.

What others don't always see is the pain that perfectionism can create within you. This internal pain is the reason to try something different.

It can be helpful to start by looking at which negative core beliefs help perpetuate this perfectionistic behavior. Negative core beliefs are beliefs that come up automatically that help you make sense of the world, but are often rooted in a negative belief about yourself. Such as, "People won't like me unless I'm perfect" or "I am a burden to others when I make mistakes" or "Real men don't show their emotions". These are negative beliefs because they are focused on what will lead to your needs not being met and/or it highlights areas for improvement in a negative light.

The way that people typically act in response to negative beliefs is to shrink themselves, deny themselves their needs, avoid people/emotions/events/etc or they beat themselves up hoping that will discipline them into better results. However, this only perpetuates the issue.

Simply put, the answer is compassion and leaning into what feels scary, so that fear and shame no longer have the power. This is so easy to say and so much harder to do.

To begin this work, look for things that challenge your negative core belief. Examples might include times where people loved and accepted you despite your mistakes or messy seasons of life. Write these things down, truly reflect on these moments and feel grateful for them.

Look for things that you use to support your negative core belief. Things that may support your negative beliefs may actually be in shorter supply than you think. Or you might find that the things that support your negative beliefs were really unhealthy situations or people that you might want to avoid.

Also, be very aware of the things that you twist to help you believe that it is supporting your negative core belief. For instance, you have a friend that shows up well for you whenever you're going through a hard time and you're not showing up as the best version of yourself. But instead of seeing this as negating your negative core belief that people will only show up for you when you're performing well, you twist their support as only occuring because you have known each other for so long. This minimizes their friendship and supports your perfectionistic belief that isn't serving you well. You are likely doing this because in some way, your negative core belief feels automatic, consistent and therefore like you can trust it more than trying something new. Once you identify that you're doing this, you don't need to beat yourself up about it. Instead, notice the pattern and allow the fact that this friend shows up well for you to be filed in the category of contradicting your negative core belief.

Postive core beliefs exist too. Beliefs like, "I can learn a new, healthier way to solve problems if I put in the effort" or "Those who matter most love me even when I make mistakes". You can work to create more positive core beliefs that replace the negative core beliefs throught the evidence work that I covered above and through practicing positive affirmations. Positive affirmations are phrases that you repeat to yourself on a regular basis to help yourself become more familar with believing more positive things. Some people scoff at the simplicity of such a practice, but this is how you practiced your negative core beliefs that helped you rely on perfectionism. I suggest practicing your positive affirmations on a daily basis, so that it feels easier to access this thinking when you're in particularly difficult moments. Practicing them in the mirror while you're getting ready for the day can be a particularly useful time to practice them as you're starting your day with a positive message.

It can feel particularly difficult for some to find a positive affirmation that works because they feel concerned that some affirmations feel too unrealistic. If that it the case for you, feel free to walk it back to something that feels more realistic. For instance, if "It is okay to make mistakes" feels too difficult to reach for, you can start with, "I'm learning to forgive myself when I make mistakes" or "I'm learning to take accountability when I make mistakes". You can also use these more approachable affirmations as stepping stones to the affirmations you really want to use.

If you feel confident in approaching perfectionism related work on your own, that is great! AND it is normal to find this work, difficult to navitage on your own. An outside perspective, such as working with a therapist, can really help you notice when your automatic perfectionistic tendencies are sneaking up on you.

If you would like me, as your therapist, to work on your perfectionism concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich pre-martial therapy, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.