How Do You Break-up With Someone Respectfully?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

It is painful to come to the conclusion that it is time to go your separate ways. What can be even harder is figuring out the right way to do it. How do you split up in a way that prevents you from becoming enemies, yet prevents becoming so friendly that you board the on-again-off-again relationship roller coaster? It is tricky territory to navigate.

Of course you want to be kind. You two had a connection. You want to honor what you had, the memories that you made, the the struggles that you braved side-by-side and the adventures that you embarked on together. They were once your go-to when you needed to debrief at the end of the day and the source of your weekend belly-laughs. You cannot deny the love and closeness that existed just because things painfully changed. And you also cannot pretend that it isn't time for this chapter of your life to close. It has been put off for far too long.

But you need some guidance on how to do what is hard when you're overtaken by the waves of emotion that come with ending a relationship.

A good place to start is being clear about what you want to achieve with this break-up. Do you want to eventually be able to be friends? Do you want to end things respectfully, but don't want to have them in your life anymore? This post will give you a framework to help you achieve what you're after.

I do want to be clear that the steps below will not be appropriate if the relationship that you are ending was abusive or controlling. For support on how to leave an abusive or controlling relationship, I encourage you to use the resource below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788

Or check out their website here.

In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.

If you have decided that the relationship was a safe one and it is no longer the right relationship for you, let's dive into how to end the relationship respectfully. The sections below cover some areas that you can explore after you shared that you would like to break-up. Following these steps can also help you both feel like you're getting some closure.

Making Meaning

Having a shared understanding of what occurred in the relationship that led to the break-up is very helpful. It allows both of you to make sense of the situation and not feel like enemies. Of course, you two will likely have different perspectives and feelings on how you ended up in this position. Though, it is possible to have a general outline that you two can agree on. For instance, you two may agree that you grew apart and were unable to reconcile the differences, yet you might disagree on what led to the differences and what the efforts looked like to reconcile. Ultimately, you agree on the main reason you two ended things.

You might also observe the things that you accomplished together. For instance, you might talk about the importance of the relationship from the perspective of the children you brought into the world together, or the things you helped each other through or the places you traveled to or something similar. This can help prevent the feeling that the time together was a waste since the relationship is ending. Observing this can also be a great way to get to get to a place of gratitude.

Sharing Gratitude

I encourage you to take some time to reflect on the relationship and consider the things you learned, accomplished, the ways in which you grew as a result of the relationship. Then, share your gratitude for these things with one another. Sharing these things in-person can be the most honoring option. However, if there is some reason that it would be best to not be in-person when you share this with them, this can be done over the phone, through a letter or virtually. I would discourage doing it through text in most circumstances since respect and honor are the biggest goals here. However, if communicating big news to one another over text has been an established practice in the relationship, then this might be okay.

Sharing gratitude and sharing how you view the meaning of the relationship can also be a part of how you break the news to them. It could sound something like this,

"You mean so much to me. I'm so grateful for what our relationship has allowed me to experience like ______ (list meaningful experiences). It is because you mean so much to me that I have to share this difficult truth with you. This relationship has become something that no longer supports me in the ways that I need to be supported. It pains me to share this with you, but I know that ultimately we will both be better for it if we go our separate ways."

Edit this for yourself as you see fit. The important parts are sharing what they have have meant to you and sharing why you can no longer stay in the relationship. You can share more about why the relationship is no longer working for you. I would encourage you to share your complaints without getting critical. Otherwise, they may find it difficult to hear you out and they could get defensive. This post can help you approach that more effectively.

Once the message is received, it is imporant to be clear on what happens next, this is where appropriate boundaries come in.

Boundaries

After sharing such intimate memories such as the meaning of your time together and your gratitude toward one another, it can feel easy to accidentally act affectionately towards one another. This is why it is very important to be clear on what you two need to feel safe and respected in life after the break-up. The boundaries are meant to help you two know what to expect in the next steps after ending the relationship. Below are some areas that you might want to consider when coming up with the right break-up boundaries for you two.

• How and when to tell family, friends, kids, etc about the break-up?

• What are the circumstances in which it might be okay for you two to contact one another? This might include the time of day or night you may contact one another or the matters you are discussing.

• In what ways can you contact one another? Is it okay to reach out through social media?

• If you decide that you need to not be in contact for a while before you might talk again, how long should that last? Is it best that you decide to not talk ever again?

• Do you hope to have more of a friendship at some point? What should that look like? What will need to happen before a friendship feels possible?

When discussing boundaries, be open to their thoughts and emotions, yet still be clear and assertive in how you share what you need. This conversation is not about hurting one another or only one person getting their way, but is about making sure each person is cared for even though you will no longer be together. It is important to be realistic about the obstacles that could come up such as feelings towards one another, other people's reactions, running into one another, what might happen with mutual friends, etc, so that you can prepare yourselves well for how to respond respectfully.

Wrapping Up

The steps in this post do not necessarily need to be done the order they are listed here. I trust you to use your best judgement. For some people, starting with boundaries might help establish expectations in a really helpful way. For others, starting with boundaries might feel really formal and strange for you two. You can feel it out and if you make a mistake you can always apologize and repair. If it feels like this is too hard to do on your own, you can seek therapy to help you end the relationship in a way that feels aligned with how you experienced the compassion of the relationship.

When I work with clients in stay or go therapy and they decide to split up, we walk through the steps in this post together and deeply process the situations that led to the break-up. This allows them to attune to one another in a way that honors the relationship in the midst of the break-up, but in a way that is still appropriate for where they are at now.

Perhaps this post has helped you realize that you would like some support figuring out how to end the relationship respectfuly. If you would like me, as your therapist, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich pre-martial therapy, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.