Can We Recover From Betrayal?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC (Licensed Couples Therapist)

The worst has happened. The person that you thought you could trust more than anyone has hurt you deeply. This may have caused you to doubt whether or not you can trust them about anything. You might question your judgement, the nature of your relationship and you wonder if they ever really loved you if they could do something like this. Understandably, you may not feel emotionally close to them at a time like this and you might feel more comfortable with more distance. While others, due to the nature of the betrayal or the shock of it all, may allow them to still have some proximity to their partner that hurt them.

Or perhaps, you are the one who did the betraying and you feel terrible. While you may know some of the reasons that proceeded your decision, you truly didn't want to hurt them. You want to be able to untangle this with them and figure out next steps together.

In either position, you may feel completely chaotic within yourself. It may feel difficult to make sense of what has occurred and what needs to happen next. Organizing yourself to time and space and managing your responsibilities may feel more difficult than usual. Given all of these feelings and concerns it may feel difficult to know where to begin in terms of what is next for your relationship.

There may be a part of you that wants to make it work and another part that wants to leave. Whether you stay or go, you want to make sense of what has occurred. In that process of making sense of what has happened, perhaps you want to explore whether or not you can make it work as a couple. This post may help you understand your situation a bit better and help you explore what your options are for recovering after a betrayal.

What Are Some Different Types Of Betrayal?

Most people think of emotional or sexual or emotional infidelity first when they think of betrayals and that makes sense. Infidelity is a very common form of betrayal. Other forms of betrayal may include:

• Financial Betrayal - Perhaps your partner was not honest about debt, credit card use, their spending, how much money they had, individual purchases or something similar.

  
  

• Social Betrayal - If your partner acted in a way, in a social situation, that did not protect you, hurt your reputation or otherwise changed social dynamics. This can also happen in regards to family and in-laws.

  
  

• Neglect/Disengagement - This occurs if a partner stops caring for emotional needs such as communicating, being curious about their partner, validating emotions, trying to reach a compromise and so forth. Or they stop tending to responsibilities within the household like paying bills, doing their part of the housework, caring for children or pets, etc.

  
  

• Deception - When a partner isn't telling the truth, is intentionally trying to mislead, manipulate or gaslight.

Really anything that feels as though reality did not match what you two had agreed on as a couple, can be considered a betrayal.

Betrayal is a relational trauma. This is because you thought you knew the relationship, your partner, and what to expect out of both. Then, you were jolted into the reality of the betrayal and you no longer can trust your partner like you used to. Like any trauma, you might start to experience some PTSD responses such as:

• Always being on the lookout to make sure you don't encounter another trauma

• Trouble sleeping

• Avoiding things that remind you of the trauma

• Feeling numb

• Pulling away from friends and loved ones

• Difficulty concentrating

• Mood swings

• No longer enjoying things that usually bring you joy

• Trouble feeling positive emotions.

With this type of response, it is important to have an understanding between you and your partner that this is a trauma, there may be some PTSD responses and you will need some gentleness, understanding, transparency and clear actions that communicate trust and security within the relationship. These types of behaviors can look many different ways. Some examples might be weekly relationship check-ins, sharing your locations with one another, discussing financial decisions (maybe even the smaller ones) well in advance, coming up with a plan of how to approach social or family gatherings, taking a break from certain events or activities, refraining from physical affection or sex for a period of time or commiting to a certain routine that shows a dedication to honesty and responsibility.

Every couple's circumstances are different and will need different agreements to feel safe and like they are making progress. Recovering from betrayal is only possible when safety is a priority in your work together.

This next part may feel hard to hear. It is also important to remember that if you two are working on making the relationship work, then it is important to still consider the needs and emotions of the person who betrayed their partner.

If You Are the Partner That Did The Betraying

It is all too easy for people to say that who ever did the betraying is "the bad guy" (regardless of gender) and not see the humanity in the person that made this mistake. And I'm sure you get it, you know you messed up, you know that people will be angry at your actions and you know that you need to take responsibility. You also NEVER, EVER want to do something like this again. You would likely be the first person to say that you hurt the person that means the most to you in this world and you may just be the last person to forgive yourself.

And you still want to be understood. You know it may feel like a lot to ask for given the circumstances, but you also know that in order to understand what happened, you have to look at the whole story. From each of you.

It is VERY careful work to process through a betrayal and be able to hold space for both people's pain, fears, needs and tricky logistics following the betrayal. It is also very necessary to remember that neither one of you are defined by your mistakes.

This is the type of incident in a relationship that I think needs therapy a majority of the time. Most importantly, you need a therapist that can show up well for both of you and hold space for all the vast emotions you both will be sharing. Recovery is possible, but you need a solid plan.

What Does Betrayal Therapy Look Like?

Different therapists will do this work differently. What I like to do, as a licensed therapist who has been working with couples for a decade is to follow the Gottman Method betrayal protocol and use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) as we process through the patterns that you two get into. First, I like to use EFT to get a sense of how you're addressing things in your relationship right now. How are you talking about the betrayal? What is working well and what could you use some support on? I want to help you feel stable and clear in this area before we move on. Then, I move on to the Gottman Method betrayal steps below:

1. Atone - In this phase, the partner who has been betrayed will ask the partner that betrayed them, all of the questions that they have about the situation. The other partner will answer their questions and state their regret. The only questions that are off-limits are questions about the specifics of sexual acts (if applicable) as this can be retraumatizing.

   
   

2. Attune - In this phase, we will start to process more of the hurts that have occurred as a result of the betrayal and we will also process hurts that preceded the betrayal. This allows us to better on understand the context around what occurred. We will also discuss and process the current needs of the relationship. For much of this processing we will be using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help the two of you better understand your patterns, emotions, what perpetuates your patterns and your deep needs beneath it all. While in this phase, we will work based on the understanding that we are building a new relationship for you two. This new relationship will be built on the information that we learn in this phase. You will be making a conscious decision on whether you will stay-or-go.

   
   

3. Attach - As we move on to the final phase, we will be working on the premise that you have both decided to stay in the relationship. We will spend this part of our work rebuilding the friendship between the two of you. This will include working towards building physical intimacy, including sex, into the relationship. We will ease into this part of the work, making sure that emotionally intimacy feels stable beforehand. In this phase, we will also reach an agreement on what will happen between the two of you if another betrayal occurs.

It is important to note that this work will not begin unless the betrayal has ended. For instance, if the betrayal is an affair, we will not begin therapy until the affair has been ended. This is because we need full commit to the relationship in order to do the best work possible.

It is also important to note that, if we move on to one phase and then later realize that we need to go back to a previous phase, we will absolutely do that. This is careful work and the length of time it takes to move through these things will look different or everyone. Some people enter into this work feeling as though they mostly worked through phase 1 on their own, so we may start at phase 2. If you're wanting to do this work more efficiently, a betrayal intensive might be right for you.

What Is A Betrayal Intensive?

A betrayal intensive is a 6 hour, one day, therapy intensive that allows you to gain clarity by completing months of work in one day's time. We're able to do this because each hour of the intensive doesn't have to begin with a catch up what occurred in the week between sessions and we don't have to wrap up at the end of each hour like we do with regular therapy.

You might choose an intensive instead of regular weekly therapy, if:

• It takes a long time for you or your partner to open up in a 50 minute therapy session.

• You or your partner's schedule doesn't allow for weekly therapy.

• You feel like the two of you have worked through some of this betrayal on your own or with a different therapist, so you're ready to jump in. Though prior work is not required for an intensive.

• You're wanting to work more efficiently than to drag the work out over several months.

It is important to note that while some people are able to work through their betrayal in the course of the intensive and with the included 90-minute follow-up session. Others find that they may need some follow up after the intensive or they may need more than one intensive day. This is because every couple is starting in a different place. All of my couples who have done a betrayal intensive has said that the intensive has helped bring greater clarity to their situation.

What To Expect In A Betrayal Intensive?

Prior to the intensive, I will do a free video consult to make sure we're a good fit, we will also discuss what the schedule for the intensive will look like and tailor it to your needs. I also do a 90 minute intake with each partner individually, where I get information about how you grew up, who supports you emotionally and what your individual experience in the relationship is like. These 90-minute intakes take place prior to the intensive day. For more information, click here.

Your intensive day will start at 9am, we'll start by setting intentions for our day and you'll write down in your journal, how you are committed to showing up for that intention. We'll review coping skills, where the snacks and beverages are and when we want to take breaks. Then, we'll begin the process of better understanding what the current patterns in your relationship look like now. Once we feel like we have a good understanding of those patterns, then we will move into the Atone, Attune, Attach phases. Every couple is different in how long each of these steps takes. Periodically, throughout the day, we will check in about how things are feeling, the progress we're making on the goal/intention and how your commitment to that goal/intention is going.

In our last hour, we will start to wrap up, by summarizing our progress that day, making sure you each feel grounded within yourself, talk about next steps including the work you can do following the intensive to keep you two connected and moving forward and schedule our follow up session.

While there is a general structure here for how I do my couples intensives, in our free consult call, we will make sure we tailor the day to fit your unique needs.

Following your intensive, we will have a 90 minute follow-up session, where we check-in on how things have been since the intensive, how you two have been doing with the work I recommended you do following the intensive and discuss what is next for the two of you.

If You Have Experienced Betrayal In a Past Relationship

If you have experienced betrayal in a past relationship, but it has been very difficult to get over, an EMDR intensive might be a good fit for you. An individual EMDR intensive can help you move through the past hurts of your former relationship. EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), is a form of therapy that engages you in bilateral stimulation (back and forth movement) while revisiting past memories that are at the core of what hurts you still today. Revisiting these memories in this way allows you to become less negatively impacted by the originally upsetting memories. Then we're able to create more space for more positive believes, unlearn unhelpful patterns and allow more space for healthy relationships. If you're curious about doing this work, you can schedule a free consult here and we can discuss what this work could look like for you.

Takeaways

We have learned that recovering after a betrayal is possible. What is considered a betrayal in your relationship might differ from what someone else considers a betrayal in their relationship and recovery time is different for everyone. We explored what the work could look like in traditional therapy and in an intensive. And we learned that both people's emotions and needs are an important consideration in the work.

If you would like to work with me as your therapist to help you recover after a betrayal, please schedule a free phone consult here.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by, licensed therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with individuals and couples using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich Premarital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.