Why Don't We Talk About Our Relationship?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Do you and your partner talk specifically about your relationship? I don't mean talking about housework or money or the kids. I'm talking about what it is like to interact with one another in regards to your relationship. A suprising amount of people don't make time for it. It accidentally gets buried under everything else that has to happen in life. Then slowly, but surely, they often start to feel more distant from one another and they don't even realize that it could be related to not talking about the relationship. Or if you do talk about the relationship, it might only be when you have a complaint, which can lead to wanting to avoid talking about the relationship. Then you might hold in your thoughts and feelings about the relationship until you blow up and then you REALLY don't want to talk about your relationship again. It is a pretty common cycle.

But what can happen is that you might slowly, start to feel distant from you partner. Like you're not sure if your partner really knows and understands you. If you're being honest, you're not sure if you know everything you're partner is thinking or experiencing lately either. Things feel so strange because it may not feel as though the day-to-day is strained, but when you're alone with your partner they might start to feel like a stranger to you. That observation might leave you feeling angry, scared, confused and wanting to avoid the topic all together.

Things don't have to continue to feel this distant though. You can develop a healthier, more connected pattern with your partner. In this post, I will explore some of the reasons this more distant pattern came to be and what closing this chasm can look like.

How The Distance Started

This pattern of not talking about the relationship and later feeling more distant from one another, likely started out with everything going really well. You two can easily have fun together, or you're naturally very aligned, or you're both very responsible in how you take care of one another. These characteristics naturally create a fair amount of safety and enjoyment in the relationship. To the point that you don't really question much else because these things really are important. Talking about the relationship might even come up very organically in your conversations in the beginning because you're very excited about the relationship.

Over time, some assumptions might start to creep in though. The assumptions might be assuming that the conversations you had early in your relationship still apply or that if they haven't brought up any issues, then things must be okay. And it is easy to believe this if you still have fun together or if the household is functioning as it should. But then a moment comes that reveals the distance that has crept in. You have a need that your partner doesn't understand, you hear a recent story or fact about your partner that isn't familar or in moments alone together you two don't know how to fill the silence. Perhaps, you might try to downplay these things at first because everyone goes through periods of distance at times and you don't want to make a big deal out of it. That isn't a bad take, but as the pattern of distance continues and intensifies, it becomes evident that something needs to change. One or both of you may be tempted to avoid it because you don't know what to do or you're scared. Honestly, that makes a lot of sense. What should you do if you don't know what to do? And how do you do it while scared?

How To Start Building More Closeness With Your Partner

The best thing, the easiest thing to do here is to start to lean into the relationship, meaning that you address the issue directly with your partner. To be fair, any effort in this season of life may feel really difficult because you have to buck the patterns of somewhat dysfunctional survival that may include avoidance, defensiveness, criticism and the like. It can feel terrifying to reach for your partner when it seems like they may not respond to your request for closeness or communication. That is very normal and you I want you to know that feeling won't go away until you build the muscle of having difficult conversations about the relationship with your partner. In other words, you'll have to do it scared. You'll have to have the hard conversations even while you feel nervous and unsure of what will happen next. Over time this will help you be more confident in these conversations and create more closeness. The easiest way to fade into this space is with the Gottman Method State of the Union Meeting.

The Gottman Method State of the Union Meeting is structured, 20-60 minute weekly meeting invented by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman of the Gottman Method. If you follow the link above at the end of the last paragraph, you will find the structure for these meetings, so you don't have to guess at how to have a good conversation with your partner. These meetings can help you both feel safe and secure in the relationship because you will know that that there is a regular time and space for you two to talk about things that matter and things that may have gotten missed in the busyness of life. It is a great way to prioritize one another and the relationship.

If you're not sure what to discuss in your weekly State of the Union meeting below are some important topics to consider:

• What it feels like to be in your relationship

• Your sex life

• How you two feel about one another

• Sharing about your emotional needs

• Resolving past hurts

• Talking about the weight of the mental load

• Planning for the future

If you want even more support in caring for your relationship well and showing up for one another's emotions, you can check out the books, Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (great for attuning to emotion) or The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr John Gottman and Nan Silver.

Some tools that can help with curiosity and closeness in your relationship are the Gottman Card Decks App and the Paired App. Both of these apps have questions to ask your partner to help create more closeness. The Gottman Card Decks App is completely free. The Paired App has a free one week trial and then you have a monthly membership after that. The Gottman Card Deck app allows you to sift through multiple card decks about everything from appreciation, to feelings, to sex to date nights and beyond to find the right questions for you and your partner. The Paired App asks the questions for you and has other relationship tools in the app as well.

If you find that after trying the State of the Union Meeting, the relationship books and the apps that it is still difficult to feel close again, it might be time for couples therapy. Working with a couples therapist can help you identify your blind spots, make sure you're being heard in disagreements, slow down the fights in real time to make sure that you're actually communicating and they can help you learn skills that are tailored to your individual needs.

In Conclusion...

It is totally normal to find yourself in this distant place AND it is very possible to build a pattern of greater closeness. Some tools that can help are, a weekly State of the Union Meeting, the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson, the book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Gottman Card Deck App and The Paired App. If those tools don't work, couples therapy that is personalized to your unique needs steps up where other tools may fall short.

If you would like to work with me in couples therapy, schedule your free phone consult here.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by Ashley Gray, a licensed therapist in Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with individuals and couples using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich Premarital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.