Why Do I Shut Down in Conflict?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

The fight starts and you feel the dread well up within you. You want to stay and discuss what is important, but you know how this often goes. Your partner starts making their point and you start to feel bad, you feel like they're making everything your fault and you're not feeling heard. You start to feel overwhelmed in your mind and body and you just want to lash out or run away because you don't trust that you'll be heard. In the best case scenario, you get quiet and shutdown instead.

You don't want to keep responding this way, you want to communicate more effectively, but you don't know how to get past this. It takes ahold of you without your consent.

This blog post will explain what could be happening for you, what you can do to help yourself respond better and give you tips on how to communicate more effectively.

What Is Happening When I Shut Down?

What you're experiencing is called flooding and it is a physiological response rather than a purely emotional response (Gottman Institute). Your senses become overwhelmed and your body goes into flight, fight, freeze or fawn rather than communicating the way that you want to. You believe that you won't be heard, your needs can't be met, and you feel unsafe, so your nervous system decides that it is going to focus on keeping you safe. It can feel like your entire mind and body is clouded from being able to problem solve and communicate. It happens without your permission and this can happen to anyone.

Flooding is especially likely for this to happen to someone who has experienced trauma. This is because sometimes this overwhelm can feel like their past trauma. Though flooding can happen even if you haven't experienced trauma.

Signs That You Might Be Flooded

• Your pulse quickens

• You struggle to problem solve

• You keep repeating yourself without moving on to another point because you don't feel heard, even if your partner is validating you

• You just want to shut down even though you haven't found a resolution

How Can I Manage My Flooding?

The moment where you feel flooded can make it feel very difficult to choose anything other than running away, lashing out or appeasing your partner just to get through the moment. It is possible to learn other ways to manage your emotions and reactions in the moment, but it might start with observations after the moment. Here is what I mean, even though you might be aware of other ways to cope, these skills don't feel accessible in the moment. Instead, you think of them after the fact and upon observation, realize which skills would be helpful during certain moments. The more that you learn skills, attempt them, reflect, try to insert them in a more appropriate place, the closer you will get to managing things the way you want to.

A great way to start to reflect is to slow yourself down with deep breathing and notice your body's signals in certain situations. For instance, what happens in your body if your partner gives you feedback on something? How do you know what starts a disagreement with your partner? How does your body let you know you're in conflict?

To notice your body's signals, start with a body scan. Practice this when you're not in the middle of a disagreement. The more you practice this while you're calm, the easier it will get to implement during disagreements. Start by noticing the top of your head, scan lower to your face, your ears, your chin, your neck and beyond. Slowly and gently scan you body, noticing any and every sensation, good or bad. When you notice a sensation, pause there. Don't judge, instead, be curious about what the sensation is communicating to you. If it feels difficult to notice anything or it feels uncomfortable to practice this, that is okay. That happens to a lot of people and continuing to the practice the body scan can help you get more comfortable with the technique and notice more sensations. Some common sensations to pay attention to are tensed muscles, tension in your chest, and increased heart rate. If you still struggle with the practice, it may be helpful to work with a therapist to help you identify where you're getting stuck.

How Can I Communicate Better?

Once you start noticing your body's signals that you're about to flood, you can start to communicate with your partner that you might need a break as soon as those body signals occur. When you need a break, simply let them know that you're geting overwhelmed or flooded and you need a break. If you are the one asking for the break, make sure you're the one that initiates coming back together to revisit the concern of the original argument. This helps build trust with your partner and confidence in having difficult conversations. Also, if you have the bandwidth, when you ask your partner for the break, let them know when you might be able to talk about this issue again. If you can't give them a specific time, you can tell them that you will reach out later to schedule a good time to revisit the topic. Don't wait too long though. You should let them know when you're ready to revisit the topic on the same day that you ask for the break.

While on your break, some things that can help you calm down are:

• Journaling about your feelings

• Going for a walk

• Recording a personal voice memo about your feelings (out of earshot from your partner)

• Exercising

• Engaging in a progressive muscle relaxation exercise

• Cuddle a pet

• Creating Art

• Taking deep breaths

• Talking with a trusted person that your partner approves of you discussing your relationship with

If you don't feel ready by the time that you too agreed on, let your partner know and suggest an alternative time. You can tell that you're ready to revisit the topic with them when you feel calmer in your mind and body and feel ready to hear their perspective without defensiveness or criticism. This does not mean that you have to agree with their stance, it only means that understand that you each have different experiences and can acknowledge that their experience is real for them. Understanding one another's perspective doesn't weaken your own stance, but gives you two a better chance to reach a resolution. Because when you both feel heard you're more open to compromise as you trust that your needs will be considered.

When sharing about your needs and emotions, be sure to use "I feel" statements. Those are structured as, "I feel ______ about _______ and I need _______. " An example would be, "I feel frustrated and anxious when you spend large amounts of money without discussing it first. I would feel more secure about this if we discussed items over a certain dollar amount before we make the purchase."

When you start the conversation make sure to choose a time and setting that is peaceful and private. Be sure to use a calm, non-elevated tone of voice and gentle body language. Aggressive body language and tone of voice can be interpreted as criticism and your partner is more likely to be defensive. Taking these things into consideration allows you both to feel safe and gives you the space to work effectively.

For more communication tips, check out my blog post on how to get heard by your partner.

In Summary

While flooding can make you feel out of control, there are steps you can take to help yourself manage your flooding, your communication and help you calm down. If you're having a hard time managing these concerns on your own, it could be helpful to work with a therapist. If you would like to work with me in therapy, schedule your free 20 minute consult here.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by Ashley Gray, a licensed therapist in Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with individuals and couples using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich Premarital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.