Why Do So Many Women Overthink?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

At work you think not just about the work that you have to complete, but what your boss might be thinking about how you spoke up in a meeting. You might also be thinking about whether or not your colleagues were judging your outfit as unprofessional and you're also still thinking about how to smooth things over with your partner after your fight last night. It feels like everything is your responsibility to perform perfectly in all situations even though nobody technically asked you to. You know you're overthinking, but it feels like you can't stop.

A lot of women categorize themselves as over thinkers and often feel weighed down by this label and experience. Women often get criticized by others for overthinking and want to stop yet they have a hard time refraining. What is actually going on here?

There are soooooo many things that could be at play. In this post, I will be covering only some of the most common reasons why women struggle with overthinking.

What Is Causing The Overthinking?

In short, it's pressure. Where the pressure comes from and why is a much longer answer.

Overthinking can come from some of the following places:

• Anxiety

• PTSD

• Societal pressures to perform feminity and/or perfectionism

• High stakes work

• Manipulation or abuse

• The weight of the mental load

External factors are often the catalyst for overthinking. Anxiety about safety, finances, acceptance, love, success, keeping the peace, rest, getting things done and so forth.

Even though it may sometimes seem like the overthinking is coming from within, it is often a product of internalized pressure from others. Others being society, family, friends, the messages learned from past traumas, job expectations or anyone in your regular orbit. Society puts a lot of expectations on women and on the other side of these expectations are intense consequences. The expectations might look like "having it all" by being an over achiever at work AND the perfect mother. Or being the type of wife that is so perfect that she would never give her partner a reason to even think of straying. Women are also socialized to always be caretakers of others needs and emotions whether they know them or not and regardless of the person's age. If women do not perform this labor they are often seen as unkind and without value. Another common pressure is the expectation to look a certain way and behave a certain way and it can feel like they judge your entire worth on this image.

The consequence is that women begin to internalize the ridicule they receive for not abiding by the societal expectations and they experience depression, anxiety, poverty and violence at higher levels than men.

Furthermore, when women don't live up to the expectations of society women are punished with loss of opportunities, denial of connection, and sometimes even violence or death. These consquences occur far too often and with this knowledge looming in our minds can cause us to overthink in an attempt to prevent the scariest of consequences.

A Matter Of Perspective

"Overthinking" may just be the word used to pass judgement on women's survival instincts. With all of the pressures us women face and the high stakes outcomes that are possible overthinking feels like the only way to stay ahead of the potential dangers. Especially since the expectations often change without warning and still result in painful outcomes.

In some instances, it may be more effective for men to try to understand the pressures behind the overthinking instead of judging the overthinking. It may be more effective for women to admit that these expectations are unreasonable and be gentle with themselves and the ways they try to survive. This shift in thinking may slowly make it okay to set down the overthinking. It may allow women to see that the flaws are much more in the system and much less in themselves.

How Do You Make The Overthinking Stop?

Even when we can see that overthinking feels like the logical option in a flawed system, it doesn't mean that we want continue to overthink. Overthinking is so exhausting. It feels like at the core of the overthinking, we often believe that us women are inherently problematic without realizing that we have internalized this way of thinking. The weight of this message, the constant thoughts, checking that everything and everyone is okay, and the hit your self-esteem takes automatically depletes you without you fully recognizing it. It feels awful to be stuck in a cycle of overthinking. So how do you stop?

There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach for stopping overthinking. As I shared earlier, being able to see the cause and effect of society's burdens on women and how that triggers overthinking can do a lot to help you untangle the unwanted pattern. Beyond that, the answer to your specific struggle will come from your awareness of what impacts your specific overthinking the most. Is it mostly due to societal pressures with some past trauma thrown in? Does generalized anxiety disorder wreak havoc on your nervous system, which catapults you into overthinking? Do you carry the mental load in your household and the sheer capacity of things that you have to remember doesn't allow you to do anything, but overthink?

Knowing what is true for you can give you a place to start. For instance, if you feel like your overthinking stems from carrying the bulk of the mental load in your relationship, then it is time for a conversation with your partner. When anxiety or high stakes work is the culprit, anxiety therapy can help. If you think past events that may have been traumatic are causing the overthinking, then trauma therapy or EMDR may be an important next step. If you're experiencing manipulation or abuse that is causing overthinking, I encourage you to look into the resources below. This information can help you better understand your situation and find a way out. You deserve to feel and be safe in your mind and body.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788

Or check out their website here.

In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.

This post has touched on societal pressures such as expectations of women and high stakes jobs, caretaking, appearing a certain way in character and physical presentation. To truly understand overthinking in women, we have to understand these unfair burdens. If we want women to be able to worry less, experience less anxiety, depression, poverty, violence, then we have to be willing to dismantle these systems. Now, obviously, this is a much bigger task, but it starts with listening and believing women. It includes noticing the ways that we accidentally uphold these hurtful narratives and start to unlearn these patterns. It also includes understanding that BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) women experience a compounded oppression that white women do not experience.

So, if you start to notice that you're judging a woman for overthinking. I encourage you to ask yourself, what about their thought process makes sense given what they are experiencing. And if you're available to be a of support, ask how you can help them.

If you are a woman wanting to quiet the overthinking and you're not sure where to start I encourage you to do the following:

1. Write down the phrases that pop up in your mind most often. They might sound like rules. An example would be, "If I don't get this right, I won't be successful."

2. Notice their source. When do they come up? When was the earliest time you remember hearing these phrases. This can give you some guidance as to what need you're trying to meet and why this pattern exists in your life.

3. Instead of trying to push this pattern away, speak to this part of yourself that comes up in these moments. It can sound like, "I hear you sharing guidance on how to be successful. I know you want what is best for me and I can appreciate that. But, I know that right now I need rest and that will help lead me to success as well."

Journal about your thoughts and observations at every part of these steps and continue to journal as other thoughts arise even after the exercise. Get to know this part of you, its function and how to work with it instead of against it or avoiding it all together. Avoidance can actually give the overthinking more fuel because that part of you will work even harder to be heard.

Going Forward

Overthinking often comes from societal pressures, work pressures, anxiety, trauma/PTSD, carrying the bulk of the mental and abuse. You can start to address your overthinking by acknowledging the presence of these burdens in your life, being gentle with yourself and beginning to talk to the parts of you that overthink using the steps outlined above. If you would like to work on your overthinking with me in therapy, schedule your free 20 minute consult here.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by Ashley Gray, a licensed therapist in Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with individuals and couples using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich Premarital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.