What Does It Feel Like To Be Friends With Your Partner? AND How Can I Get It Back?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Things are running smoothly in your relationship. You enjoy each others company, you don't fight much and you feel like you can rely on one another. There isn't much that you can complain about in your relationship, but you're curious if this how things are supposed to feel. Sometimes you wonder if something is missing. If you are supposed to be feeling more than this. You often hear people say that their partner is their best friend, but what does that actually mean?

Or maybe you do know what it means to be best friends with your partner, but you haven't felt that way in a long time and you're dying to get that feeling back. You used to be able to have lots of inside jokes and have subtle ways of communicating that were just for you two. You couldn't wait to see them at the end of the day and they were always the first person that you wanted to share things with. Things used to feel so special between the two of you, like you were living out a movie script that you couldn't believe was your real life. Then, life got busy. You started talking more about the day-to-day than the relationship and slowly, over time, you started feeling less special and more like roommates. The more time that passes the harder it feels to bring it up. The silence has started to feel painful and you're ready for some answers.

So let's break it down. Let's look at what it can feel like to have a partner that feels like your best friend and how to create that in your relationship or bring it back if you've already experienced it before.

What Does It Feel Like When Your Partner Is Your Best Friend?

While every relationship is unique and different people would describe the friendship part of their relationship in a variety ways below are some descriptions that I hear a lot.

When you and your partner are best friends you might experience:

• Feeling like you can be yourself around them most of the time

• Looking forward to spending time with them after you have been apart, even if you were just at work

• Knowing a lot of details about one another, the big and little details

• Being dedicated to showing up for them. Even if you have to make a big sacrifice for them, you don't doubt that it is the right thing

• Generally believing in the best parts of them even when they mess up

• Being able to be totally honest with them, even if that honesty means calling them out

• Playfulness comes easy with them and it is a playfulness that feels unique to your relationship

You might also have some of your own specific habits that made you and your partner feel like you had a friendship in addition to a romantic relationship. The hallmark of feeling like you're best friends is feeling like you two have your own special thing that no one else can touch or fully understand. We all need experiences like this in life to help ground us, make us feel less alone and to make life feel meaningful. When these friendship-like rituals fall away, you can start to feel less like yourself. When most of what you have is good and you're just missing this one thing that could make things feel extra special, it is worth figuring out how to add this element to your relationship.

So, how do you create this friendly feeling in your relationship?

How Do You Rekindle Your Friendship In Your Relationship?

If you have lost the feeling of friendship in your relationship or you're afraid you have never had it, it can be tricky to know where to start. Be prepared to try things you've never done before and to feel a little uncomfortable at first.

A good place to start is to begin creating what the Gottman Institute calls rituals of connection. Rituals of connections are habits that you and your partner engage in together that are positive most of the time and help you two feel closer to one another. These can be how you greet one another when you see each other at the end of the day. Or how you celebrate anniversaries and birthdays together. They can also be date nights or how you say good night to one another. A good ritual of connection is whatever feels most enjoyable for you two and helps you both feel closer to one another.

Another ritual of connection that can be especially helpful is the Gottman Method weekly State of the Union meeting. A State of the Union meeting is a structured weekly meeting where you two share appreciation, talk about what is going well in the relationship, catch up on anything that may have been missed over the week, resolve a conflict that didn't get the time that it deserves, discuss upcoming plans and ask one another how you can love them well over the next week. These chats typically take 20-60 minutes. If you are about to go over 60 minutes, I suggest you stop and resume the conversation at a different time, so you don't burn out on State of the Union meetings. These conversations allow you to talk about what it feels like to be in the relationship and allows you both to be heard. These are type of conversations can fall to that wayside in relationships. When they do fall away, couples can start to feel less comfortable and less understood by their partner. So, click on the link at the beginning of this paragraph and create a weekly ritual that allows you both to feel understood, comfortable and seen.

For everyday conversations that can feel connecting, try the Gottman Method's stress reducing conversation. The Stress Reducing conversation gives you two a relaxed and supportive way to check-in at the end of the day. It can be brief and still allow you both to feel heard. The most important part of the Stress Reducing Conversation is being on your partner's side. Even if you disagree with how they handled something that they shared, acknowledge the part of their thinking and actions that made sense to you before addressing anything else.

If it feels like you have run out of things to talk about, try getting curious about your partner using the Gottman Method Love Maps. Gottman Method Love Maps are your partner's inner world and it is comprised of goals, values, likes, dislikes, experiences, opinions and the like. After a while we start to assume that we know everything about our partner and forget that they can change. Curiosity is important in a relationship and helps you each fee prioritized and close. If you don't know where to start in building Love maps try the free Gottman Card Decks App. It has a Love Maps card deck with Love Map related questions as well as date night questions, sex life related questions, appreciation prompts, card decks about emotions, suggestions for other rituals of connection and so much more.

More Ways To Help Build A Friendship With Your Partner

• Schedule regular date nights

• Make time to try new things together

• Allow yourself to be playful together

• Set aside regular quality time when you're at home and can be relaxed with one another

• Reminisce together

• Be curious about their opinions, their thought processes and hobbies that you don't engage in together

• Create new goals together, even if they are small or silly

• Celebrate one another's accomplishments

• Follow up on their stories and goals that are still in progress

  
  

What's Next?

If you have tried these things and they haven't worked and the lack of a friendship-like feeling in the relationship makes you wonder if you should stay in the relationship, consider stay-or-go therapy. Individual or couples therapy with this objective in mind can help you sort out what could be best for you.

If you want to sort out your relationship concerns in therapy, but want to do it in a shorter amount of time, consider Couples Therapy Intensives. Engaging in therapy intensives allows you to do months worth of therapy in just one day. It helps you get the clarity you need at a pace that is more schedule friendly.

Get clear on what is next in your relationship by working with me in therapy, schedule your free 20 minute consult here.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.