How Do You Make Time For Premarital Therapy When You're Planning A Wedding?
Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
Congratulations on your engagement! Being engaged can be such an exciting time! It can also be a time where you're over scheduled. You might feel conflicted in your decision making and maybe even wrestling with family and friends regarding wedding plans. There is so much to do and decide that adding one more thing might feel like a gigantic stretch.
At the same time, you want to be prepared for marriage. The years ahead will bring many milestones and challenges and you want to be able to handle it all the best you can. With that in mind, premarital therapy might be a priority for you right now. But how do you fit it in with everything on your plate!? This post will explore your options.
How Can I Fit In Premarital Therapy?
If weekly therapy feels out of reach for premarital therapy, there are three main things that I suggest you consider.
The best way to fit in premarital therapy with a busy schedule is through premarital therapy intensives. They include all the material that you would regularly cover in premarital therapy, but you're completing the work in a day or two. Premarital therapy intensives may have the biggest upfront sticker price, but often translate to roughly what you would have spent over months of therapy.
Books or workbooks that are specifically geared toward premartial work. You will have to be a self-starter and make sure that you engage in the material regularly, but it is a cost effective option that you can fit in to your busy schedule more regularly.
Online courses may or may not require you to pace yourself in the work. Some have an instructor, which might be ideal if you want more of a guide. Prices can vary widely with courses.
In addition to being able to cover the premartial material in a day vs over months, it also allows you to create a therapeutic relationship with a couples therapist that you can come back to if you experience hard times later on. Therapy intensives also allows those who take longer to open up in sessions to not feel rushed and to be able to feel safe enough to share. A premarital therapy intensive might just be the most time efficient option of the three options. Better yet, you have a professional there that can help make sure you both feel heard, can help translate when the words aren't coming out right and make sure your perspective isn't missed if you're often the quiet one. They also make sure you're both feeling regulated and emotionally safe as you talk and they will help guide you to greater emotional attunement.
When you do a premarital therapy intensive with me you will be provided with a Gottman Connect assessment and a Prepare and Enrich Premartial assessment to measure where you're at right now, so we know where to focus our efforts. You will also receive follow up materials (pdf's, book recs, podcast recs, etc) regarding communication, conflict, sex, emotional attunement, and other related topics. This is so you can continue the positive momentum even after the intensive day is done. We will also have a 90 minute following up session to support you in your continuation of the work.
Books or workbooks are probably the most cost effective option and they also allow to see in print what the important topics are. With the workbooks, you're able to record your answers and come back to them later if you need to. You can also make this option work around your schedule as you can pick the material up and put it down when you please. I encourage you and your partner to have a set schedule for yourself as to when you will engage with the material and when you will conclude the book or workbooks. This can be helpful in making sure you actually complete the work. Unfortunately, what you miss out on with books or workbooks is the ability to ask questions, have a professional present to point out blind spots and to make sure you're both being heard and understood.
Online courses can be a great way to access materials from professionals in the field that might otherwise be booked. These courses can be self-paced or have a set itinerary. These options can be flexed to your scheduled based on which option you choose. This option can sometimes be the in between option for engagement. Meaning that an online course might be more engaging than a book or workbook, but less engaging than a premartial therapy intensive. The downfall here is that you still won't have a professional giving you feedback in real time to make sure you're not getting hung up on blind spots or talking over one another.
What Are Some Important Topics To Cover In Premartial Work?
What you cover in your premarital work can vary based on your unique needs. However, there some areas that I encourage everyone to consider.
How you each think about and manage finances in the past, present and future.
Where you want to live.
How household tasks will be broken up and managed.
Whether or not you want to have kids and how you hope to raise said kids. This includes parenting, discipline, childcare, discussions on raising them with faith or spirituality, etc.
Communication styles
Creating regular ways of connecting in the relationship. This means on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.
Sex - frequency, initiation, boundaries, preferences, etc.
How you each manage stress.
How you will manage issues as they come up in your relationship.
A potential plan for how you will hold yourself accountable when you're struggling with something.
You're free to focus on the topics of this list that make the most sense for you two, leave what doesn't fit and add what is most important to you both.
In Conclusion
If life is busy, but you're still wanting to make premartial work a priority, you still have some options. You can book a premaritial therapy intensive, so that you can complete the bulk of your premartial work in a day's time. This is the best option for getting a professional opinion and support while also managing your time well. Premarital therapy intensives do tend to be the most expensive option.
There is the option of books or workbooks as the most cost effective option. This can be a great option as it guides you through the most important topics to cover, can be written by leaders in the field and all the important information is laid out in front of you, making it easy to come back to. It can also fit into your schedule easily because you can pick it up and put it down whenever you please. The disadvantages are that you will not have the direct support of a professional and it can be easy to abandon the work if you and your partner do have a plan in place as to when you will complete the work.
Online courses can be a great in between option in terms of cost and scheduling. While cost can vary quite a bit there are often enough options out there to find something that fits your budget. Some courses have a set schedule and some are self-paced, which gives you some freedom to choose what is best for you. You also have the advantage of choosing courses that are created by prominent therapists, even if they are someone that you might not be to work with otherwise. Again, the disadvantage is that you don't have a professional with you in real time to answer questions and make sure you are communicating well.
I hope this overview was helpful. I wish you the best of luck in deciding what works best for you two and many, many happy years of marriage!
You don't have to feel unprepared for marriage. Make the time to set yourself up well for marriage by scheduing a premarital therapy intensive. Start the process by scheduling an obligation-free, no cost, 30 minute video consult here.
I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)
This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
