How Do You Know When You Have Done Everything You Can To Save Your Marriage?
Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
It's been a while since you and your partner truly felt emotionally close and understood by one another. You have tried to get back to the place you want to be as a couple, but it feels so hard. It feels like there is this missing piece, that you can't quite name. It might feel like it is related to communication because you don't feel heard and your partner doesn't either. But despite trying all of the communication tips and making more time to talk, you don't feel like there has been enough change.
It is gut wrenching to think that it might finally be time to walk away. You don't want to give up what was once so special between the two of you. The inside jokes, the memories, the closeness with their family members and so forth. But, you feel like you have tried everything: date nights, communication tips, books, podcasts, relationship apps, you name it.
It is scary. You don't want to lose what you two had and you feel like the warmth of what you once had isn't totally out of reach, it just hasn't been fully realized yet. You're hesitant to give up, but you wonder if you really have tried it all. How do you know if you have tried it all and it is time to accept that it is over?
What Should I Try Before I End The Relationship?
There is nothing wrong with trying different communication tips, reading relationship books together, listening to couples podcasts, going to couples therapy, trying relationship apps and whatever else you can find. In fact, I would encourage you to try those things. Those resources can move the needle in some instances. However, if you have tried all of those things and you still feel disconnected, then I want you to consider this: have you truly opened up with one another emotionally?
You haven't done everything you can until you have really opened up emotionally in therapy, I'm talking opening up deeply and often. I mean exploring your inner dialogues together, sharing your most vulnerable emotions and feeling seen as you do so, noticing the patterns the two of you get into and look at those patterns as a team. The type of moments that make you feel like the only person that truly gets you is your partner. If you're thinking, "We don't have experiences like that and we wouldn't even know where to start!" don't worry. I know what can help.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFTC) is an experiential type of couples therapy that allows you to learn how to communicate in the way outlined above by practicing it in real time in session. The therapist helps you do this by asking the right questions and gently guiding you into what have traditionally been more difficult conversations. All the while, your therapist will be supporting you in exploring deeper emotions, understanding yourself and your partner more fully and helping you listen to your body rather than getting stuck in your head during the conversations.
If now is not the right time for couples therapy, read the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. She is the therapist who invented EFCT. Her book walks you through how to communicate with one another in this more connected way.
I encourage you to see an EFCT therapist when you can though. This will allow you to have a professional in the room that can help you catch your blind spots and translate the words that don't come out quite right. Working with a therapist in this way can help you and your partner feel closer more quickly than you would if you tried to figure this work out on your own.
You can also work with a therapist who specifically works with couples that are trying to figure out if they should stay or go in their relationship. I am one such therapist and you can read more about what that work looks like, here.
What Do I Do If I Don't Have Much Time For Therapy?
If the suggestion of therapy makes you feel concerned about how you'll fit it into your busy schedule, worry not. Couples therapy intensives can be a helpful option. A therapy intensive is several hours of therapy work all done in one day. That day is devoted to your unique therapeutic needs and can fit months worth of work into one intensive. Intensives can be focused on a specific goal like deciding whether to stay or go in your relationship, premarital work, recovery from betrayal, etc. Don't let your schedule get in the way of the clarity and the peace you have been needing, click here to schedule your free therapy intensive consult.
But if time isn't a concern and you're still left with the nagging question of what should come next, consider the signs below.
How Do I Know When It Is Time To End The Relationship?
It can feel hard to know when it is time to go. Ending a relationship can be painful and messy and it is natural to want to put that off. And all the love you have for them can make you want to try absolutely everything possible before you say goodbye. So, what are some signs that it might be time to end things?
It might be time to end the relationship if....
If you have tried multiple modalities, therapists, books, podcasts, games, worked on emotional attunement (think EFCT) and you still don't feel closer or better understood.
If after trying all of these things, you or your partner are exhausted of putting in any more effort.
If all of your relationship exploration has led you to see that there are deal breakers that you just can't get past.
If you have learned that your values or goals are in direct opposition of one another. Examples might include: wanting to have kids vs not wanting to have kids, wanting to live in very different places, having spiritual beliefs that don't align, etc.
If you two have worked on changing behavior patterns that leaves one or both of you not feeling respected, but the patterns persist despite your attempts, then it might be time to end the relationship.
Another important time to leave the relationship is when abuse is present.
If you believe you might be in an abusive relationship, then I encourage you to use the resources below. Calling the number below or visiting the site below can connect you to people and resources that can help you discern if this is abuse (if you're unsure) and what you can do next to get help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
Or check out their website here.
In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.
If upon reflection, you have decided that it is time to end the relationship, be gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family that can support you well. Decide on clear boundaries in the midst of the break-up and decide together (if it was not an abusive relationship) how you will tell others that things are over. Finding a way to have these closure conversations together (as long as the relationship was safe) can help things go more smoothly and help with acceptance of the end of the relationship.
Final Thoughts
One of the most difficult forks in the road is deciding what should happen next in a relationship that is struggling. It is okay to want to try everything possible. It is normal to want to put off making a decision. It is also okay, to end a relationship when you realize that it just isn't working anymore and things can't be repaired.
While you're in the thick of the work, try several different tools, therapists, modalities, etc and be sure to prioritize doing work that helps you two become more emotionally attuned. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) or reading Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson are wonderful ways to work on emotional attunement.
If you find that you have tried everything that you have come across, you or your partner have exhausted all the energy you have for fighting for the relationship, you have encountered serious deal breakers, your goals and/or values don't align or you can't break patterns that leave one or both of you feeling disrespected, then it might be time to end the relationship.
It is a heartbreaking conclusion to come to. If you decide that the best decide is to end the relationship, I encourage you to build and lean on a healthy support system of people, decide together on a way to tell those closest to you that you decided to split up and establish good boundairies between the two of you. All of this can help a difficult situation go more smoothly.
If you're still decideing, it is time to get off the fence. Work with me in therapy figure out whether you should stay or go, schedule your free 20 minute consult here.
I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)
This post is written by Ashley Gray, a licensed therapist in Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with individuals and couples using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich Premarital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
