What Is A Secure Attachment? And How Can You Earn A Secure Attachment?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

If you have been following my blog posts about attachment styles, then you know that understanding your attachment styles and how they show up in relationship can help you have a safe and secure relationship. So far, in our exploration of the attachment styles, we have covered the insecure attachment styles: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment. Now, we will explore what is the considered the healthiest attachment style: secure attachment.

Some people are able to experience a secure attachment style based on how they were cared for growing up. Those with a secure attachment had caregivers that were meeting their needs a majority of the time. For those that didn't have the type of childhood that leads to a secure attachment, there is the earned secure attachment. An earned secure attachment is achieving a secure attachment style through intentionally leaning into the relationship to find ways to give and receive love in a way that feels safe and attuned. This "leaning in" requires gradually and decidedly lowering the walls that protect your most vulnerable parts, so that you can allow your partner in and let yourself be known by them. This takes WORK. We will explore both of types of secure attachment in this post.

Secure Attachment Overview

A secure attachment style often shows up in a relationship as feeling like it is really easy to be together. When someone has a secure attachment style, it is easier for them to communicate, to resolve conflict, to be vulnerable, to reach for their partner and take time for themselves to name just a few of their strengths.

Their partner often feels loved and seen by them and like they can turn to their partner in most situations.

It is important to note that this is felt even beyond the beginning stages of the relationship when things often feel much easier.

This doesn't mean that they never experience hardships in relationships, never make mistakes, or never consider ending a relationship. It simply means that they are generally able to view the relationship more accurately than someone who may be viewing their relationship through the distorted lens of attachment injuries that have occurred in the past. They also tend to have a greater toolbox of healthier ways of viewing things, are often more likely to give their partner the benefit of the doubt, believe that things can be fixed, do not fear that the relationship is on the brink every time things go wrong and so forth.

These healthy patterns may come easy to them thanks to what they learned from their caregivers in their safe and healthy upbringing. Or they may have put in the considerable effort to earn a secure attachment and learn healthy behaviors elsewhere.

Secure Attachment Patterns in Relationship

• Feels comfortable being close with their partner and also feels comfortable taking space to care for themselves individually and pursue their own interests

• Generally feels comfortable communicating, even about the hard stuff

• Isn't overally preoccupied with the fear of the losing their relationship

• Commits more easily

• Has healthy boundaries and has no problem respecting their partner's boundaries

How It Started

Those with a secure attachment style may have developed this in their childhood through having caregivers with predominantly secure attachment styles. This secure attachment style is achieved when their parents are meeting their children's needs (including emotional needs) at least 30% of the time. In these dynamics, the child feels safe, knows that they can trust their caregivers to show up for them and because of this, they feel confident to go out into the world and explore. They are not expected to act like little grown ups, nor are they expected to stay little forever. Instead, they are encouraged to be themselves, be independent, yet are always welcome to turn to their caregivers for whatever they need. These children then take these skills into adulthood and into their adult relationships.

Having this type of childhood is very fortunate and this occurs for about half of people. The other half of people with insecure attachment styles still have hope though.

Nuances And Changes In Attachment Patterns

For those that didn't develop a secure attachment style in their childhood, they can earn a secure attachment style as an adult. This may come from being with a partner in adulthood who seeks to understand them, strives to meet their needs, yet still has boundaries, creates and maintains safety in the relationship, repairs relationship injuries, resolves conflict and basically does what it takes to protect and maintain the relationship.

Though a secure relationship doesn't always have to come from a romantic relationship. These relationships could have occurred in childhood or in adulthood and could be a healthy relationship with family members or friends.

If you are looking to earn a secure attachment style you will need to learn how to attune to your own needs and your partners needs. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help with this. EFT does this by helping you identify the behavior tendencies you engage in to get your needs met, the thinking that keeps you in the same negative patterns, the emotions that you bring to your partner, the emotions you feel inside and the deep needs that drive the whole cycle. This work can be done individually or in couples therapy. If you are in a relationship and have an insecure attachment style, I would suggest Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).

If you're curious what your attachment style might be, you can take my free attachment quiz to find out. Once you learn your attachment styles you may want to improve your co-regulation and self-regulation skills, so that you can better show up for yourself and your partner. Check out my free co-regulation guide and free self-regulation guide as a place to start.

Also, while you may achieve a predominantly secure attachment pattern, you may also sometimes have different attachment patterns (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) with other people in your life or at different times of your life. Most people have a combination of attachment styles in this way. This can be normal and healthy when it is a proportionate response to what is occuring in the relationship. When the responses are disportionate or about imagined fears, that is when you would want to do attachment work to develop healthier responses.

Perhaps this post has helped you realize that are some things that you might like to work on regarding attachment. If you would like me, as your therapist, to do individual or couples attachment work, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich pre-martial therapy, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.