What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

As attachment theory has grown in popularity and is more commonly discussed among those outside of the therapy field, I wanted to write some blog posts about the different types of attachment. You can find my post on anxious attachment here.

I wanted to share this information about attachment styles and attachment work because of the powerful impact that it can have on relationships. Given the impact, I want to make sure you have the right information, so I will start by addressing some myths regarding avoidant attachment.

What People Get Wrong About Avoidant Attachment

Perhaps you have heard of the avoidant attachment style behaviors before. You may have even heard it talked about as being a somewhat heartless attachment style that can just minimize the connection and leave a relationship at a moment's notice. This is a misconception. Those with an avoidant attachment style can love their partner deeply and crave connection nearly as much as they fear it. Some literature on avoidant attachment styles have, in my opinion, not gone far enough to humanize those experiencing a more avoidant attachment. So, without further ado, let's jump into exploring the heart, mind and behavior of an avoidant attachment.

Avoidant attachment is also known as an anxious avoidant attachment. The anxious part signals that things beneath the surface are not always so calm as the appear to their partner. I will refer to the attachment style an avoidant attachment style as I feel that it best describes what is observed by their partner. Though, I do find it very important to acknowledge the anxiety that is experienced by someone with an avoidant attachment.

What is often felt by someone with an avoidant attachment, is a fear that they will loose themselves in their relationship. So they prefer calming down by themselves, known as self-regulating as opposed the calming down with a partner or co-regulating. Often, what is missed is that they also often fear losing their relationship and will fawn, or do everything in their power to please their partner while avoiding their own needs or failing to truly attune to their partner. Meaning, they will check the box that they feel will make their partner happy without connecting with their partner emotionally or considering the impact on the relationship as a whole. This usually isn't because they don't care. It is often because they are fearful of what will happen if they don't make their partner happy. That may be a fear of losing their partner, fear of an unfavorable response from their partner, fear of being disconnected from their partner, fear of not being good enough, etc.

Also, they often don't feel like they are skilled enough in the arena of emotions, so they avoid it all together, thinking that their efforts in emotion will only make things worse. What can help is when they hear from their partner that their partner knows that they are trying and that their partner believes in them. This can help give them the connection and courage to make a greater attempt at leaning into the relationship.

When someone with a predominantly avoidant attachment is in a relationship with someone with a more anxious attachment, a cycle can develop that feels like a bit of a chase. When the more avoidant partner takes space to self-regulate, the more anxious partner may pursue them in an effort to create more closeness in the relationship. The more the anxious partner reaches for the avoidant partner, the more they distance themselves.

The avoidant partner can then cause their anxious partner to feel unloved and abandoned, which can trigger their attachment wounds of not having their needs regularly met.

However, avoidant attachment patterns aren't always bad. Sometimes they might be appropriate given the circumstances. For instance, if their more anxiously attached partner is really forcing the conversation when one or both of them isn't really able to listen anymore, the more avoidantly attached partner can sometimes prompt a much needed break. While the avoidant partner's tendency to be avoidant may not always be bad, this is only true as long at it is done in a healthy way and isn't hurting their partner.

An avoidant attachment pattern can also highlight changes that may need to occur in the relationship. For instance, perhaps there isn't enough space in the relationship for each person to be able to expore and appreciate their individuality. Observing and listening to the patterns of an avoidant attachment can help bring attention to this need in the relationship.

How Avoidant Attachment Can Show Up In Relationships

While this is not an exhaustive list, this is what is commonly observed...

• Freezing instead of reaching for their partner

• Minimizing the commitments of the relationship at times

• Often seeking time by themselves to self-soothe

• Difficulties identifying and sharing their emotions

• Expressing that they just want to make their partner happy and minimizing their own needs or true feelings

• Often fears communication

• Struggles to show up for their partner's emotions

In general, a lot of avoidant attachment behaviors are related to difficulties with emotional vulnerability. These fears and behaviors stem from previous experiences either in childhood or in previous relationships.

How It Starts

Avoidant attachment often starts in childhood when their caregivers do not usually respond to their emotional needs, minimizes or completely disregards their child's needs and often encourages or requires the child to be very independent. This causes the child to fear closeness, value autonomy and avoid emotions. They weren't taught how to manage their emotions of show up for other people's emotions, so it feels easier to avoid them all together.

Sometimes a person may not have experienced these patterns in their childhood and may still have a predominantly avoidant attachment. This can occur when that person has their needs typically disregarded in another one of their significant relationships, in childhood or adulthood. That may or may not include romantic relationships.

How Avoidant Attachment Can Change

A person can earn a secure attachment when are regularly meeting their own needs and routinely engaging in safe and healthy relationship patterns that are meeting their needs more often than not. This allows them to feel safe and secure enough in the relationship to take risks, lean into the relationship and feel safer when they are close with their partner. This is the experience of an earned secure attachment.

A person can have different attachment patterns with different people. Each person can bring different behaviors to the relationship and that can cause someone to have different attachment responses and patterns with each person. Some people may cause you to feel more secure so you can lean into the relationship and also take space when needed (secure attachment pattern). Others may make you feel like you often have to reach for them (anxious attachment pattern). And another person may make you feel like you need to often retreat to protect your energy and personality (avoidant attachment pattern).

Whatever your attachment pattern might be with your partner, you might be wondering how to work with it. If you're wanting to create healthier attachment patterns in your relationship, you can start by identifying your attachment style using my free attachment quiz. Once you have identified your attachment patterns, you may want to address your self-regulation and co-regulation patterns. If you tend to always want to self-regulate, you will also want to learn how to co-regulate well. This is because you need co-regulation in order to make self-regulation possible. You also need to be able to self-regulate for those times when your partner is unable to co-regulate with you. Check out my free self-regulation guide and free co-regulation guide in order to begin working on those regulation patterns. Beyond these quizzes and guides, you can check out books, podcasts and courses that address creating an earned secure attachment.

The therapy model that I most recommend for creating secure attachment patterns with your partner is, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). In EFCT, you work with a couples therapist to identify your negative attachments patterns and then create healthy and secure attachment patterns. You will create these positive attachment patterns by learning yours and your partner's emotions, thoughts, needs and motivations surrounding these attachment patterns and then learning to meet these needs more effectively. You will learn and practice these skills as you experience your negative attachment cycle in session. The more you and your partner practice this in session, the more you two become emotionally attuned to one another and are able to apply these new skills at home.

Perhaps this post has helped you realize that are some things that you might like to work on regarding attachment. If you would like me, as your EFCT therapist, to help you work on creating a more secure attachment with your partner, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email or give me a call.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich pre-marital Therapy, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.