Perfectionism in Women

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Perfectionism is rampant in our culture. It is often the solution offered to women when the world doesn't make sense. Single? Be the perfect example of a easy going, stunning woman. Not excelling fast enough at work? Refrain from making any mistakes at work. Lonely? Do whatever it takes to make others happy all the time. Poor self-esteem? Diet until you don't know how to listen to your body's cues anymore. It is a "solution" that is cruel and so easily offered.

Perfectionism is often offered by the powers that be, the male gaze and those wanting to create self-doubt. If you have found yourself on this page, perhaps you're already reflecting on the negative impact of perfectionism on your life. If you're ready to take a deeper dive and learn how to break free from perfectionism, keep reading.

How Perfectionism Shows Up

The most common places that I have seen perfectionism show up in women, based on my work.

• Feeling obsessive about how they present themselves physically, in terms of attire, making sure that they are completely socially appropriate, etc.

  
  

• People pleasing, so that no one can ever say that they are mean or difficult

• Being very particular in the work that they produce whether that is at a job, how they organize their home, and so forth.

  
  

• Becoming very dedicated to a certain type of female archetype - stunning trophy wife, girl boss, homemaker, overachiever, etc rather than honoring the complexity of their multifaceted identity.

• Over committing so as not to let people down

Sometimes people view women's displays of perfectionism as annoying, superficial or mean, yet women are also chastized when they do not fit within these expressions of perfectionism. Perfectionism is pressed upon women as a form of control. Getting women to abide by the rules of perfectionism means that their next step is easier to predict and to thwart.

Women subconsciously adopt perfectionism as a way to be accepted by others, to excel in their careers, to keep the peace, to avoid being hurt physically, emotionally or sexually. In other words, they do it to survive. Taking all of this in consideration, I think it is important to extend compassion to those who are struggling with perfectionism. Even if that person is you.

Let's explore the origins of perfectionism a bit further.

Why Perfectionism Shows Up

When perfectionism is projected onto women it is often about making sure that women feel ashamed about being themselves, so that we give ourselves over to the image that best fuels consumerism and doesn't disrupt the powers that be. This can keep us women in a cycle of doubting ourselves and striving for things that don't actually serve us. You probably feel the pressure of these messages to some degree, even if you haven't noticed it leading to perfectionism.

Perfectionism shows up in society, in the media, wherever there is discourse about women's bodies, presentation, decisions and sexuality. These conversations keep us focusing on other people's opinions rather than what actually fits with our needs and values.

Of course, your origins of your perfectionism story may have started at home. Growing up, perfectionism may have been established through highly critical parents, peers, caretakers, teachers, coaches, etc. Sending the message either directly or indirectly that maybe you would be less of a burden or easier to love if you could just try a little harder. Make fewer mistakes. Be a little prettier. Talk a little less. Perfectionism can also be the result of traumatic experiences where you subconsciously decided that maybe you could prevent that trauma from happening again if you could just be a little bit better next time. Or it could have come from growing up in environments with unreasonably high expectations. Or living in a situation where love, safety, connection had to be earned. This message may have been communicated very directly through someone telling you that you were too emotional or asked for too much. Or maybe you were asked why you couldn't be more like someone else or maybe you were told that you were ungrateful. Perhaps, those comments were followed by physical or emotional distance that really drove home the point that if you weren't good enough, you couldn't be loved.

Or maybe those messages were taught indirectly through loved ones choosing other people or things over you. Maybe they only paid attention when you were overachieving. As time went on, you learned that you must always be doing something impressive in order to receive love and attention. Such a heartbreaking realization. And you kept doing it because it kept getting reinforced by your need being met. Very understandably, you were doing what you had to in order to survive. You wanted to prevent the pain of feeling abandoned and lonely.

Perfectionism can also develop as a result of romantic relationships. If your partner often gave unsolicited feedback of ways that you could do things better, that could have weighed on you negatively. It likely wore you down to thinking you weren't good enough. It left you always second guessing yourself because you didn't want to disappoint the person you loved most in this world.

Now, I'm not talking about instances where each of you are each bringing valid complaints to one another. I'm talking about being in a relationship where your existence and presentation are consistently being scrutinized. To the point where you start to lose touch with who you are. It can be brutal.

All of these messages communicating that you could be better emotionally, physically or morally, missed the beauty of who you actually were and are.

I'm sorry that you were treated like that. In all of these instances, you deserved someone who loved you as you were and could see how precious you are. You deserved someone who was willing to protect you and take accountability when they messed up. You should have been allowed to make mistakes and ask for what you needed. I'm sorry that you didn't receive that care. That was unfair to you.

And if these experiences left you feeling self-conscious, anxious, paranoid or allowed you to fall into people pleasing, I want you to know that that reaction makes so much sense. If you couldn't reliably trust whether you would get the love and care that you needed, then those reactions are so understandable. But you don't have to live with those reactions that weigh you down and keep you from feeling connected to yourself and others. You can heal from perfectionism.

What Can Be Done To Undo Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is demanded of women by everyone from workplaces, to partners, to friends and family. Many don't even realize that they are asking this of women. To the point that if you bring it up to people, they aren't always sure what you're talking about. It is like asking a fish about water. Perfectionism is so ubiquitious, we hardly notice when it is asked of us or when we are expecting it in others. For all of these reasons, it can be so difficult to unlearn perfectionism.

The best place to start is to notice when and where it shows up. Some signs that perfectionism is showing up are when you're procrastinating, having a hard putting your work or opinion out into the world or you're ruminating about situations you're facing.

Once you notice these situations, get curious about what is propelling this behavior by asking the question, "what is happening here that makes this behavior feel necessary?" Then ask, "What thoughts are coming up surrounding this situation that encourage my perfectionism?"

Then, we want to examine these thoughts. The thoughts that perpetuate the perfectionism are most likely negative core beliefs. Negative core beliefs are negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, others or the world that are key tenets to how you operate day-to-day. Some negative core beliefs that might fuel perfectionism are, "People only like women who kind and easy going" or "No one will love me unless I stop talking so much" or "I won't be successful unless I stop making mistakes" or "My needs are an inconvenience." These are negative core beliefs because they position needs negatively or they position areas for improvement as all or nothing situations.

Often, people respond to negative beliefs by shrinking themselves, denying themselves their needs, avoiding people/places/emotions/events, or they beat themselves up hoping that will discipline them into better results. However, this only perpetuates the perfectionism.

A better response is leaning into what is uncomfortable, scary, shameful about mistakes and respond to your fears with self-compassion. This can take some time to implement.

Start by looking for things that challenge your negative core belief. Examples might include times where people loved and accepted you despite your mistakes or messy seasons of life. Write these things down, truly reflect on these moments and feel grateful for them.

Then, notice the things in your life that support your negative core beliefs. You may notice that these things that support the premise of your negative core belief are actually people and situations that you're trying to leave in the past. Therefore, those situations don't get to hold as much weight as they once did.

I will also caution you to be very aware of the things that you twist to support your negative core belief. For instance, you have a friend that shows up well for you when life is hard and you feel like you're doing everything wrong. Instead of seeing this as negating your negative core belief that people will only show up for you when you're doing things well, you twist their support as only occuring because you show up for them, so they have to show up for you. It removes the depth of love and care that they have for you that is based on their appreciation of in every season. And instead causes you to see the relationship as transactional and as supporting your negative core belief that isn't serving you well. You are likely in this pattern because being able to predict this negative pattern feels safe in a strange way. You know what to expect and it might feel nice not to be surprised. If you're doing this, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Notice the pattern and allow yourself to receive the love and allow it to negate your negative core belief.

There are also positive core beliefs and you can establish these to replace the negative core beliefs. Some examples are, "I am lovable just as I am" or "I can be a work in progress and still have my needs met" or "Self-compassion is just as important as success". Feel free to come up with your own. You can use these positive core beliefs as positive affirmations. Positive affirmations are phrases that you repeat to yourself on a regular basis to help yourself become more familar with believing more positive things. Some people struggle with affirmations because they feel concerned that some affirmations feel too unrealistic. If that it the case for you, feel free to adjust the affirmation to something that feels more realistic. For instance, if "It is okay to make mistakes" feels too difficult to reach for, you can start with, "I'm learning to forgive myself when I make mistakes" or "I'm learning to take accountability when I make mistakes". You can also use these more approachable affirmations as stepping stones to the affirmations you really want to use. Practicing them in the mirror while you're getting ready for the day can be a particularly useful time to practice them as you're starting your day with a positive message. You can practice these positive affirmations by writing them down several times, having someone say the positive affirmation to you or by visualizing what your life would look like if you lived in the truth of that affirmation. Then you can use the positive core belief to replace the negative core belief.

If you feel confident in approaching perfectionism related work on your own, that is great! And it is also normal to find this work, difficult to navigate on your own. An outside perspective can really help you notice when your automatic perfectionistic tendencies are sneaking up on you.

If you would like me, as your therapist, to address your perfectionism concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to send me an email or schedule your free phone consult.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich pre-martial therapy, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.