Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
So many people like to say that when you have met someone worth committing to for the long haul, that you will just know that they are THE ONE. While that is true for some, it certainly isn't true for everyone. Some people need a little more time and a little more information. And honestly, even if you feel like you know right away, collecting a little more information when making such a big decision could only help, right!? So, let's dive in!
First, let's address that not everyone believes that there is just ONE person out there that could be the right fit. Some people believe that there are several "the ones" out there and that choosing any one of these people to commit to long-term could be a really good choice. And for some they may experience being with more than one of these people. Whatever you believe, this can help you realize when you have met someone who could fit the bill.
Safety
First and foremost, you ABSOLUTELY must be safe in your relationship. If you do not feel physically and emotionally safe in the relationship, the relationship is not worth pursuing.
You deserve safety, kindness, consideration, privacy, and autonomy. You deserve to make major life decisions for yourself, to have a say on how your money is spent, you deserve to have friends and family be a regular part of your life and you deserve to ask questions when things don't feel right. If you're concerned that you may be in an abusive relationship, please use the resources below to learn more and make a plan for safety.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
Or check out their website here.
In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.
Respect
This is another very important one. If you have safety, but you do not have respect, it is probably best not to pursue the relationship any further. If your partner does not respect you, then they are far less likely to prioritize you and work to help meet your needs. If you aren't being prioritized and your needs aren't being met then you may start feeling resentful that you aren't being cared for and considered in your relationship.
Sometimes disrespect shows up subtly. It can sneak in through your partner often expecting you to take on the majority of the mental load or financial burden without checking in with you about that. Other times it may be small, but regular, comments or gestures that aren't considerate of your needs or feelings. It can be subtly ignoring your boundaries or being blatantly rude with the comments they make. Disrespect can look a lot of different ways and you usually know it when you feel it.
Now, sometimes people don't know that they are being disrespectful and if you address it with them, they are willing and eager to make adjustments to love you better. This, is of course, ideal. It can be worth approaching your partner and letting them know that you felt disrespected and you need something different. I encourage you to use "I feel" statements to address these concerns. This can sound like, "I feel ______ about _____ and I need ______." A more specific example would be, "I feel disrespected when you take calls from other people on our date nights. I would feel much more respected if you could dismiss those calls (except for emergencies) and return the call after our date. What are your thoughts? Does that feels possible for you?" I encourage using a collaborative statement at the end of the "I feel" statement to let your partner know that you're open to their input and wish to find a solution together.
Sometimes it may be necessary to share a boundary about what would happen if they do not agree to respect you in the ways you requested. This can sound like, "I need honesty in our relationship in order to feel emotionally safe and comfortable in the relationship. If I can't receive that from you, I will need us to break-up, so that I can invest in my relationships where my need for honesty is respected." It isn't just about stating this boundary, but following through on it if they can't or won't meet your need.
It is also important that you have a high level of respect for your partner. Having respect and honor for your partner makes it so much easier to work through the difficult parts of your relationship when they arise. If you find that it is difficult to respect who your partner is as a person, then it may be worth reconsidering the relationship.
Values
Do you and your partner value you the same things? You can tell what they value based on how they spend their time, money and energy. There may be friction if one of you likes to spend the majority of your free time outdoors and the other is more of a homebody. If maintaining a certain image by having all of the nicest, newest stuff is really important to one of you and not the other, than that can cause fights about money. When extroverts are partnered with introverts there can sometimes be disagreements about how to spend weekends and holidays.
Now, none of the things that I mentioned so far are absolute deal breakers. Gottman Method Couples Therapy explains that all couples have perpetual problems in their relationships. Perpetual problems are matters in your relationship that come up time and time again without a clear solution, so you have to continually manage them as a couple. Gottman Method Therapy also explains that 69% of the issues in your relationship will be perpetual while only 31% will be solvable. You get to decide which perpetual problems are deal breakers and which are not. And certainly, something may start out as feeling manageable and over time may become a deal breaker. It is important to consider these things when deciding on whether or not to commit to someone long-term.
Some people secretly plan on converting their partner to their way of doing things or seeing things. They may do it by slyly mentioning certain things, exposing them to people or situations they believe will influence them or by insisting, guilting or by positioning their values as the most moral option. Sometimes, those hoping to convert their partner don't even realize that they are projecting this on their partner. If this is you, this could be because you have witnessed this in the past. Perhaps, you saw this growing up or you see it in the couples around you.
If this is you, I beg you, do not plan on converting your partner to your values. Planning on converting them without addressing it directly creates a hierarchy where you are the one that knows best and you must save them/train them/teach. It inherently assumes (even if you don't mean to do this) that they are less capable than you. You assume that they are not equal to you if you plan on changing their values or ways of being without their explicit consent.
My encouragement is that if you decide to discuss values with your partner, you honor their autonomy by not pushing your agenda, you are upfront about your hopes and you always leave room for them to be themselves even if that is different from you. If it feels like they MUST value you something in the exact way that you do, then you might be bumping up against a deal breaker. The deal breaker exists to remind you of what you need in a relationship, not encourage you to sway your partner. I know that ending a relationship sucks, but so does being in a relationship where one person is resentful because they don't get to feel comfortable and accepted for being themselves.
Goals
Do you and your partner have similar goals? Are you on the same page about whether or not you want to have kids? Do you agree on where you would want to live? Do you share similar financial goals? Can your individual career goals coexist or would they take you in two opposite directions?
Your goals don't have to be identical, but they do have to be compatible. If one of you wants to work remotely and travel the world and the other has dreams of fighting for justice in their local community, your goals might not be compatible. At the very least your dreams would take considerable compromise. It can be tempting to want to push your goals aside to show up for your partner. If you decide to do that be clear with yourself that you're delaying your plans or giving them up entirely. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you would become resentful for delaying or giving up on your goals. My strong encouragement would be that neither person give up their goals, instead reach a compromise. If a compromise cannot be reached, then it may be time to break up. Below are some more questions to consider.
What type of judgments or dreams do you associate with your goals? With that in mind, what would it feel like if your partner didn't share or support that goal?
Flow of Life
When considering your flow of life, we are talking about your day to day lifestyle. Do you both prioritize spiritual/faith practices? Do you like to keep things quieter in your household throughout the week or do you like to have a lot company and planned events? Are you vegan? Do you have a hobby that takes up a lot of time or requires particular sacrifices? What has come up with past partners regarding your flow of life?
Your flow of life helps you feel safe and secure in your daily life. While some compromise is okay, at some point too much compromise can cause you to no longer feel like yourself. For this reason, it is important to pay attention to which types of compromises feel manageable and which ones are not manageable.
What Do Those In Your Life Say?
What do your most trusted friends and family say about your partner and your relationship? Are they supportive? Do they like them? Or do they have some concerns?
It can be important to consider the opinions of those who know you best as long as they are also people who would advocate for your needs and values even when they may differ from their own. It is also important to be clear on who you would not let weigh in on your life. Those in your life who are chronically contrarian or live so differently from you that you would not want to emulate their life are probably not people that you would want to take advice from.
If you feel like you don't have people in your circle that you feel like you can rely on to weigh in on your situation in a way that is helpful, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist. A therapist cannot tell you what to do, but they can reflect back what they are hearing from you in an unbiased way that would help you make the right decision for yourself. If you need some affordable therapy options to make that possible, read this post for affordable options.
Your Observations
How does your partner handle disappointment? Do they take responsibility for their actions? What does that look like? How do they treat others? How do they handle their anger? What is their relationship with self-improvement like? How do they handle setbacks?
You may be thinking, "This is a lot of information to consider." It is true, this is a lot to consider and it takes time to observe these things and make a decision. My encouragement is to refrain from rushing through these decisions. Who you decide to commit to impacts so much of your life, take your time and be intentional.
I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)
If you would like to work with me as your therapist, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
