Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
It is a very common belief that you must heal on your own before you can be in a relationship. The thinking is that if you are in a healthy place individually, then you'll be able to bring that heaIth into a relationship and have a healthy relationship. Conversely, if you are regularly engaging in unhealthy behaviors, then you will bring that into your relationship and have an unhealthy relationship. Some people that believe this line of thinking have seen situations where this seems to be the case. Others have heard others say this and have taken this to be true. Still, others believe this because it seems logical; who someone is in one situation is who they are everywhere, or so they think. In all honesty, there isn't a one-size fits all answer for this question. To better understand what would be best for you, we need to consider a few different factors.
What To Know About Relational Injuries
If you have unhealthy behaviors in your relationships, it is likely because you have experienced significant emotional injury in relationships. This might look like betrayal, needs not being met, trauma, abuse, lies, abandonment, and pretty much anything else that leaves emotional scars. When these injuries are really big, people find it hard to move on without some type of intervention, which is why it is often said that people need to heal first before entering into a relationship. Sometimes it really can be helpful to do some therapy or experience some other type of healing before entering another romantic relationship. This is because people often do repeat the patterns that are most familiar to them.
Another perspective on this experience is that because these injuries happened in relationships, then a person needs to heal in relationships. In fact, at some point in healing, you do need to learn to give and receive love, care and affection and this can only happen in relationship. Attachment theory frames these relational injuries as attachment injuries and the different patterns that result, due to certain injuries, as attachment patterns or styles. What is meant by attachment is how we are able to connect to people we care about deeply or are at least dependent on. The attachment patterns are the ways that we go about trying to get our needs met and how we go about meeting other people's needs in relationship. Healthy patterns of connecting are considered a secure attachment. Unhealthy patterns of connecting are called insecure attachment patterns and are broken up into anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment. To learn more about attachment patterns, you can read this blog post. It is believed in attachment theory that earned secure attachments are possible regardless of how you grew up or experienced relationships. Learning how to to give and receive love in healthy ways is a necessary part of earning a secure attachment and part of this happens with romantic relationships. Part of this can also happen in learning how to have a secure relationship with yourself, but that is for different blog post at another time.
In order for healthy healing to occur within a relationship, it is important to be very aware of your strengths, your areas for improvement and how these things impact others. Then use that information to make the best decision for you and your relationships. We all have blind spots that make it difficult to fully see how we are impacting others. This is why it is important to engage in something that can help us see our blind spots.
This could look like asking people in your life that you trust what they see as your strengths and areas for improvement in relationships. If you do that, you're going to want to chose people that know you well and are very aware of what healthy relationships should look like. You could also read self-help books written by a therapist, this may require you to have good insight in shortcomings, so you know which books to choose. This is also true if you decide to purchase a mental health related course or listen to a podcast created by a licensed therapist. Or you could work with individual or couples therapist or engage in group therapy (group therapy is often more cost effective). You'll want to choose a therapist that you know can hold you accountable and gently challenge you to do the necessary work to grow. To learn how to choose the right therapist, that will hold you accountable, read my last blog post here.
If you feel like you would prefer to work on your own healing before you enter into another romantic relationship, that is okay. You can trust that you know what you need, especially if that need is support and healing.
How To Tell Which Approach Is Right For You
What is right for one person might not be right for the next. Here are some ways to tell if you might need to do some work on your own first. If you're already working with a therapist, be sure to check in with them on this topic.
You don't feel like you can trust yourself or other people the majority of the time.
You sometimes engage in verbally, emotionally or physically aggressive or abusive behavior. In this instance, it is CRUCIAL that you do some individual work with a therapist that specializes in your concerns.
You often refuse to communicate or put in effort.
You believe that relationships should just work without effort.
A majority of the time you blame things that aren't working in the relationship, on the other person without looking at your responsibility in the dynamic.
How to tell if you're ready to heal while in a relationship:
You've done a lot of individual work, so you're very aware of your impact on others in your life and you know what your patterns are and how to manage them.
You have worked through past traumas, are aware of family beliefs and patterns and how they have impacted you and you're willing to continue to work on these issues as necessary.
You believe in working as a team to solve problems that arise in the relationship.
You're willing to take responsibility for your own actions.
You have at least some trust in yourself and a belief that healthy relationships are possible.
You're ready to set and accept boundaries within your relationship.
Your words and actions prove that you are a safe person to be with.
You're willing to improve even further on how you give and receive love. You know that it takes effort to have a healthy relationship.
This isn't black and white. A lot of people exist in gray areas. These bullet points are guidelines to consider, they are not therapy, or direct clinical advice and they may not fully capture your experience. It could be helpful to check in with those in your life that you trust about these bullet points. You may also find it helpful to heal in your romantic relationship with the support of a couples therapist.
So, no, you don't have to be completely healed (which isn't even possible, because no one is perfect) to be in a relationship. However, it is recommended that you are very aware of your impact in relationships and are ready to put in effort to become your best self in a relationship. And last, but not least, it is absolutely vital that you are a physically, emotionally and mentally safe person to be with.
If you're looking for individual or couples therapy in order to be your best self in relationships and you'd like to work with me, click the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out to me.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
