Are You Both Being Heard In Your Relationship?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

You know that communication is important. And technically, you and your partner are communicating, you're just not feeling heard. Perhaps your partner has shared that they don't feel heard either. You might be wondering, how is this happening if we keep talking. Well, good communication goes beyond talking about things as they come up and repairing after a fight. Though both of those things are super important.

Where it can get tricky is that you may be communicating about the day-to-day stuff out of necessity, but you may not be checking in on the deeper topics. Topics like, are you getting what you need in our relationship? What do you feel like we're doing well together? What do you think could use some work? What has been on your mind lately? How are you feeling emotionally?

So, how do you get from chatting about the day-to-day things to digging into the deeper topics? Let's explore.

Checking In With Your Partner Regularly

A great place to start is checking in on the relationship weekly or at least bi-weekly. I often suggest using the Gottman Method State of the Union Meeting. The State of the Union Meeting consists of 4 different parts. First, each of you share 5 things you appreciate about your partner. The things that you share can include things that they have done recently or important parts of their personality. Then you each share one thing you think has been going well in the relationship recently. The next part is the main topic of the conversation. This can be you two talking about upcoming plans, processing a past hurt, talking about something that has been missed over the last week or something similar. Finally, to end the meeting, you each ask one another, "What can I do to love you well over the next week?" This meeting should take about 20-60 minutes. If it seems like it might go over the 1 hour mark, pause and pick it back up at another time. If the meeting gets too long, it can be hard to fit it in each week and fearing a long meeting can make it hard to feel motivated to have the check-in.

Having this weekly meeting makes sure that you're keeping up on the latest feelings and happenings in one another's worlds. It communicates to each of you that your relationship is a priority and you're willing to put in work.

These meetings can also prevent bigger fights in that they are a space where you can share things that might otherwise become resentments if they are not addressed.

Make sure you're validating one another's emotions, asking following up questions and summarize what you're hearing. This allows you take care of one another and remember the most important parts of what they are saying.

Some other great options for deepening emotions would be the free Gottman Card Deck App and the Paired App (you will need to pay for the Paired app). These apps give you questions and prompts to help you have deeper conversations that can lead to greater connection and levity in your relationship.

These are great places to start, but there are some other areas to be aware of as well.

Checking In After Major Events

When really big events occur like trauma, life changes, medical concerns, family drama, birth of child, etc it is very important to check in about how that major event is being experienced by each of you. It can actually be really easy to accidentally skip over this. Sometimes this happens because you assume that you already know how they feel since you know it is a difficult situation.

However, their unique perspectives, thoughts, emotions that you wouldn't guess need to be witnessed in order to help them feel less alone in this experience. They especially need to be witnessed by you since you are their partner. It can be disorienting to not feel known and understood by your partner. Making sure you're checking in helps you two feel connected during even the hardest of moments.

Creating A "You Can Talk To Me Anytime" Culture In Your Relationship

The ultimate goal here is to create the feeling in your relationship that all feelings are welcome in the relationship and you can share them at any time. This might feel really uncomfortable in the beginning, especially if you're uncomfortable with big emotions or hard conversations.

The funny thing about avoidance is that the more that you avoid something the more that you fear it. And the more that you approach something, the more that you become comfortable and even confident. The more that you practice engaging in big emotions and hard conversations the easier they will become.

Once you are able to create this culture in your relationship, you open yourself up to greater intimacy and connection in your relationship.

The State of the Union and the apps I mentioned earlier can help build this culture in your relationship. If it still feels difficult to start this journey here are some tips that can help:

• State out loud that it feels difficult to talk about these things, but that you want to face it together for the betterment of the relationship. This helps you two become a team against the problem.

  
  

• Notice when it feels easier to have these conversations and do your best to create those scenarios when you can. But be careful that you don't fall into the trap of waiting for those ideal situations occur to have your important conversations.

• Start slowly. You don't have to bring up all the issues that you have avoiding in one sitting.

• Ask your partner how they are doing in big and small moments and make sure you're sharing about your thoughts, feelings and needs regularly.

When it Builds Up Over Time

It happens. Sometimes life gets so busy, especially around major events, that it seems nearly impossible to make the time to check in about how you two are doing and what you're needing.

When these check-ins don't happen, a pattern starts to form. This can be a pattern of each of you having your own version of events that you base your reality on. When you're not sharing your realities with one another, you're depriving the relationship of a shared history and of seeing one another fully. You can each be left with the feeling that your partner doesn't "get you". It is SUCH a lonely feeling. The longer it persists, the harder it feels to come back from.

Assumptions start to fill the spaces between what you know and what you wonder, leading to greater misunderstandings and further confirmation that you two don't understand one another. This creates more space between you, metaphorical walls become built to keep one another out if they try to connect.

If you're trying to come back from this type of distance I encourage the following:

• Start by acknowledging that there is distance in the relationship and that you and your partner's experience, emotions and needs have not been tended to in some time. Let them know that you want to change that by each of your prioritizing one another's experiences, emotions and needs in a new way.

• Take responsibility for your part of the dynamic that led to the distance.

• Refrain from blaming your partner.

• Let them know that you believe that the two of you can figure this out together.

• Speak to your partner in a way that is collaborative rather than confrontational.

It can feel difficult to untangle the unhelpful patterns that you and your partner have gotten yourselves into. These steps are a good place to start, but it may take some time to change the behaviors and start to feel closer. That doesn't mean these changes aren't working or aren't meaningful. Remind yourself that good things take time and keep going.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through these relationship concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help bring clarity and connection to your relationship.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.