"Validating My Partner Doesn't Work!" What You Might Be Doing Wrong

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Perhaps you have heard that validating your partner's emotions and experiences will help them feel heard and positively impact your communication and connection. This was good advice, but perhaps, incomplete. You might already be learning this as you notice that your partner is feeling understood by your attempts at validation.

This might play out as you and your partner having a conversation where you're exploring your differing perspectives and you want them to know that you hear them and you also want to be heard. So, they share their painful emotions and their experience and you say, "That really sucks!" and you mean it. Then you move on to sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Your partner might then continue talking about their experience instead of showing up for what you're sharing because they don't feel heard. This might be confusing for you because you're thinking, "Wait, I listened to you. I validated what you were saying. Isn't it my turn!?" It can feel jarring and defeating to see your efforts not go as planned. You might be wondering what is going on.

If you have been working to validate your partner and it seems like it isn't working, there are a few different things that can be happening:

• Your validation is too brief.

• Your validation is not specific enough.

• Your validation is insincere (or appears insincere), perhaps because you would like to move onto something you really want to talk about.

• There is a great deal of distance between you two, so it may take a bit longer for this validation to be trusted and received.

  
  

I will go into greater depth in all of these areas, below.

Your Validation Is Too Brief

Do you remember in math class in high school when they would ask you to show your work rather than just giving the answer? That is a good principle to apply to giving validation as well. Your partner doesn't just want to hear that you know their situation sucks. They want to know that you specifically understand why it sucks. This helps them feel known, understood, appreciated.

I encourage you to mention the emotion that comes up for you when you hear what they are sharing or the emotion that you believe they are communicating (verbally or non-verbally). It can also be super helpful to tie the emotion to the events that they are sharing about. This may feel overly obvious to you, but your partner very much wants to know that you get it regardless if it feels obvious.

Here are some examples of a longer validations:

• "It sucks that ____ (specific event) happened. That wasn't fair to you. You needed ______ (what they were hoping for instead) and you didn't get it."

• "Of course you felt _____ (emotion) when ______ (event) happened! I would feel that way too."

• "Now that you explain it like that, I can see why that felt so hurtful."

• " That is awful! I can't believe they did that again, even after you addressed it!"

• " I can see that you're probably feeling _______ (emotion) because I did/didn't ______ (action taken or not taken)." - this could also be a good place for an apology.

It makes sense that this longer validation would not be your go to. In our work lives, concise communication is often prized over longer, more emotionally attuned communication. You're likely primed to not engage in longer validations, so give yourself some grace if this feels hard. And give your partner some grace if they are struggling to validate your emotions. It takes time.

If you're noticing that you don't like longer validations because engaging in yours or other people's emotions for an extended period of time feels very uncomfortable for you, I encourage you to address this. There are therapists who specialize in the area of learning to feel comfortable with emotions. If therapy is not an option for you right now, the books Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett Ph.D or Us by Terrence Real are a great place to start.

Your Validation Is Not Specific Enough

If you are someone who validates by saying things like, "I understand", "Of course", "That makes sense" or something similar your partner might not understand what part it is that you understand. Now, I want to be clear that a brief validation like the ones I just mentioned can be okay at times. Especially, if the conversation is more upbeat or the frustrating part of the conversation isn't about events or behaviors that occurred between the two of you. In general, being more specific in your validation has a greater chance of making your partner feel heard.

I know you mean well with a shorter validation. You don't have any ill intent. It is simply that if you're being more specific about which part you understand, agree with or feel is reasonable, there is less chance for a misunderstanding. Also, the more specific you are, the more likely your partner is to feel like you're there for them.

The more details you share about what makes sense to you, the better. Here are some examples:

• " Of course, that was confusing, you weren't given nearly enough information!"

• "I totally understand why you're angry, I didn't do what you asked of me.

• " It makes sense that you would want to connect more, we've been really busy lately and haven't had a lot of quality time."

As you can see, you can keep the short answer and simply build off of it with more details about the situation.

Your Validation Seems Insincere

You might not realize it, but your attempts to validate, may be coming off as insincere if your body language, tone of voice and focus doesn't match the situation. If your mind is still focused on your work day, you are prone to an rbf or you struggle with social cues, you may sometimes be coming off as insincere when you attempt to validate.

These mistakes can happen innocently enough. When they do occur, they can cause your partner to feel dismissed. Then they are more likely to dismiss you, intentionally or unintentionally.

A few tips to make sure that your sincerity is coming across:

• Make sure you're looking at your partner.

• Check in with yourself to see if you're focused on something else.

• State out loud that you realize that your body language/tone of voice isn't matching the situation and name why that might be.

• Be honest with yourself about whether you are in control of your emotions in that moment or if your emotions are in charge of you. If your emotions are in control of the situation, ask to take a break, use some coping or grounding skills and when you re-convene, be ready to validate what they are sharing.

• Share in their emotion by noticing their verbal and non-verbal communication and what they are communicating. Check-in with yourself to see if your communication cues are similar.

Don't be afraid to check in with your partner if they are feeling heard and if they feel that you're being sincere. Odds are, they will appreciate the effort you put in to check on them.

There Is A Great Deal Of Distance

If there has been a betrayal, a big fight, chronic distance that has slowly grown over time or some other event that has caused you two to feel like roommates, validation might be REALLY hard work.

This doesn't mean that validation is the wrong approach. It just means that it is going to take more effort to re-establish trust and commitment in the relationship. Consistently prioritizing your partner helps build that trust and commitment. Validation is one way to show that you're prioritizing your partner. Take a moment to think about those in your life that you feel like get you the most. How much more do you trust those people over those that don't demonstrate that they understand you?

Validation is just one tool among many that can help right the course of your relationship. With growing distance or betrayal, you want to make sure that you are giving your relationship every chance to succeed. This is where couples therapy can be especially helpful in addition to improving how you validate your partner. Helping couples bridge the distance in their relationship is a speciality of mine. If you live in Colorado and would like to work with me, use the contact buttons at the top of the page to schedule a phone consult with me.

A Few More Notes...

This work will take time and it is normal to feel frustrated when things go more slowly than you would like. Below are some quick tips for when the slow progress feels annoying.

• It can be super helpful to take responsibility for your mistakes and name your emotions as soon as possible when you're trying to figure things out together.

• It is okay to ask questions before you validate if you don't understand what they are sharing.

• It is okay if you don't agree with your partner in what they are sharing. Validate what does make sense to you (use a longer validation) before you share your perspective.

• In between validating their experience and sharing your perspective, it can be really helpful to ask them if they are open to hearing your perspective or if you should find another time to discuss it. Then choose that time in that moment.

• A helpful agreement between the two of you can be that you each will do your best to validate the other person well before sharing your perspective in the types of discussions where you two tend to get stuck.

  
  

If you would like some more tips for listening to your partner better and getting heard by your partner, read this past blog post.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through these relationship concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help bring clarity and connection to your relationship.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.