When Your Partner Is More Unhappy Than You Thought (and how people pleasing might play a role)

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

You're confused. You're frustrated and you're not quite sure how you two got here because when you first discussed things, everything seemed fine. Now, your partner seems super upset about something that you were pretty sure you two were on the same page about.

This keeps happening and you're not sure how to get things right with them because there wasn't a clear path to this outcome. But you know something needs to happen because it's starting to feel like each time this happens, it's a tally against you. You feel afraid to find out what happens when you're partner reaches their limit. Will they leave? Will they yell? Lash out? Go silent? You don't want to see it happen again.

So, what is this and why is it happening?

This might sound counter intuitive, but it could be people pleasing. Or at least that is where it might be starting. Let's explore.

How It Started

The initial discussion probably started in a very calm and typical way. An "event" that you probably didn't think much about (until now) because it was so ordinary. You two were discussing something that needed to happen. Something like errands, self-care, stuff around the house or a thing with the kids. Your partner willingly, maybe even enthusiastically agreed to their part of things. And you thought, "Great, it's handled."

But then...little by little there are comments. Not necessarily sarcastic comments, not necessarily incorrect comments, but comments that feel like a red flag. Or at least a yellow one. These comments might be things like, "It's cool, I got it." or "I'm used it." There might be a little bit of tone with these comments, but it might feel subtle.

Slowly, but surely their tone of voice sounds more tense, frustrated and resentful. The sarcasm feels unmistakable. The comments start to sound like, "Would it kill you to help out?" or "Forget about what I need!" or "God forbid we have a real conversation."

There might even be some actions to match like shutting cabinets or doors more forcefully, rolling eyes or sighing. Maybe not making small talk as much. Less emotional and/or physical intimacy. This is when you know things are becoming more distant. It feels awful to witness. You feel a combination of anger, confusion, defensiveness and guilt. But again, it feels like the solution is just out of reach.

If you try to talk about it, they may say things are fine. They may say that you should know already. They may explain and feel angry that they have to explain it to you because they were so sure that it was obvious. To be fair, this is very real for them and we will explore their side more in the next section.

Where People Pleasing Comes In

You might be wondering, "So, where was the people pleasing?" It can be easy to miss.

It started when you first started discussing the issue, when things felt the most calm. It felt so easy for your partner to step up and be helpful in this way because people pleasing feels so natural for them. They saw something that needed to be done, combined with the fact that they love you and wanted to make you happy, so they stepped up. But the more that they kept stepping up and doing more, the less they felt cared for. They want to feel considered too.

They may have mentioned at one point (possibly many points) what it is that they want. You may have innocently missed it because you are so used to their kindness, their easy going nature, their desire to please that you didn't hear the weight of the emotions behind their ask. So their need went unmet and they feel forgotten, invisible, sad and alone. The more that it happens the more they wonder if they can do anything to get you to see them and show up for their needs. Their needs of supporting their individual endeavors, of having their work around the house be met with an equal amount of work from you around the house, to engage in more emotional intimacy, their need for a break, their need for you to accept their influence in decision making (big and small) etc. Bottom line, they want you to know them deeply and still accept them.

What To Do Now

It might be hard see when your partner is so angry, but underneath it all they are ACHING to have a real conversation with you. A conversation where you can discuss both sides of how things have occurred in issues past and present.

They want to hear that you see all the things they do, that you know that they sacrifice for you and your family, they want to know that you see that it makes a difference and you don't want them to feel alone in the day-to-day work.

They want their emotions and experienced to be listened to and validated with more than a quick word or phrase. They want more than just to hear the right words, they want to see through your actions that you see their contributions, that you love them for who they are not just what they do and that you will willingly work alongside of them in the daily grind. Without them asking. They want to see and hear you regularly thinking and asking about their values/needs/wants/feelings.

This might sound like a nightmare to you. It may feel scary to re-live past hurts and hear about how you may have made mistakes. An even worse nightmare would be your partner not feeling heard or cared for by you and eventually feeling like they don't want to fight for the relationship anymore.

You're more capable than your fear would have you believe. You can start one conversation at a time. Don't expect to fix everything all at once. Just let them know that you want to start discussing, on a regular basis, their concerns and how to make things better for both of you. Cap each conversation at an hour, so that you don't get worn out. Gottman Method Couples therapy has a great format for weekly check-ins with your partner. The Gottman Institute calls it the State of the Union. Search for it (Gottman Method State of the Union Meeting) online as a place to start.

What To Do Now If You're The People Pleaser

First of all, good work getting to this part of the post. I know it can be hard to read paragraphs of explanation that you feel like you have explained to them many times.

But if you are here, you're probably open to the idea that there may be some things that you can do differently as well. And you'd be right.

I want to let you know that it is understandable that you find yourself in this place. People pleasing can be a very effective way to keep the peace, initiate connection and keep a household functioning. The downside is that people pleasing can also lead to heaps of resentment if you're not also advocating for what you need and setting clear boundaries. Yes, it is okay to set boundaries with your partner.

You don't have to be mean to get heard, to ask for what you want, or to set boundaries. However, you do have to be assertive. This means stating what you need in a clear and direct fashion. You can do this in a way that is easy to understand and still kind. I encourage you to start with an "I feel" statement. I saw this a lot, but "I feel" statements truly do make a world of difference in preventing defensiveness and getting heard by your partner. The format for "I feel" statements generally is, "I feel _____ about ______ and I need _____."

Your opening statement could also sound like, "I know that you love me and you want to do things well in our relationship, which is why I want to bring this to you. I have been feeling lonely and unheard in our relationship and I would love it if we could implement a weekly check-in where we talk about our feelings and needs. What do you think about that?" Being sure to mention their strengths, what you appreciate about them and being collaborative in the conversation can be really helpful. Encouraging or reassuring comments can go a long way as well. Some examples are letting them know that you believe you two can figure this out together or letting them know that you appreciate their open mindedness.

Also, make sure to engage in self-care by having regular self-care as a part of your weekly routine. When you are regularly stepping away from the role of doing it all, it shows your partner that breaks are a priority that needs to be protected in your relationship.

Takeaways

No matter where you find yourself in this dynamic, it is possible to find a way out. If you're the one feeling surprised by your partner's reactions, regularly checking in with them, asking about their feelings/needs/values/experiences and and stepping up to meet their needs can help turn things around. If you're the one people pleasing, learning how to communicate assertively can make a big difference in getting your needs met as well as implementing regular self-care practices.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through these relationship concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help bring clarity and connection to your relationship.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.