Why That Thing You Fear Might Be Just What You Need

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

You find yourself in the same loop. A partner, friend or family member mentions the same thing that you have heard repeatedly. You need to learn to communicate better. Get over it (a loss). Work on feeling your emotions. Face that thing (past trauma). Go to therapy. So on and so forth.

Then you feel frustrated because they clearly don't get it. What you're dealing with isn't simple. Their quick assertions feel like a insult to what you're actually experiencing. If you could have fixed everything with a common solution, you would have by now.

It's not like you haven't tried. You have. It just isn't that simple. What you really wish they could do is listen without judgment. Try to understand without trying to solve the problem. Because when they give a possible solution, it makes YOU feel like the problem and that is a weight that you're tired of carrying. You don't want to be a burden. You also want people to understand your pain.

You know that in some way, they mean well; they want to help. But that thought is often eclipsed by the frustration of running this same loop with them and getting no closer to a solution.

The thing that may be difficult to hear is that what could be helpful is somewhere between what they are saying to you and what you feel like you're needing from them.

You're Right About Wanting Their Understanding

It makes a ton of sense that you want your loved one to understand where you are coming from. When you're struggling with something, it can feel so lonely to feel like they don't understand what you're going through.

Taking some time to better understand where you are coming from could be an important task for them. It could be very difficult for the two of you to feel close or make any progress if you're not both taking time to truly listen to one another's experiences. Sharing vulnerability through listening, understanding and validating is a crucial part of feeling safe enough to lean into change and growth.

It is okay for you to say that to them. You can let them know that you need them to listen, seek to understand (ask follow up questions, summarize what they are hearing) and validate what you're feeling. You can share that changing their approach in that way allows you two to be on the same team and allows you to feel more respected. You can share that information like this, "I'm sure that you're coming from a good place when you share your concerns. I want things to be different too and it is so hard to really hear what you're saying when it feels like you're not fully understanding me and what I am feeling and experiencing. Here is what would help me feel supported ____. Do you think you can support me in that way?"

It can feel scary to think about saying this, but if it already feels uncomfortable to sit in the tension of their comments, then this might be your best chance at feeling better.

Where They Might Have a Point

I'm not saying that they are completely right. They can absolutely be wrong. They could be projecting their personal experiences onto you or simply not fully understand what you're going through. These are all important things to consider.

If the person that is weighing in on what you're experiencing, is not someone that you trust, then maybe it is time to re-evaluate where the relationship is at. Perhaps, there needs to be some efforts made in the relationship, so that trust can be built. Or if there have been many efforts towards trust that have not been making the relationship feel more secure, then maybe it is time to reconsider the proximity of the relationship.

However, if they are someone that you trust and you know each other well, then it might be worth considering what they are saying. Sometimes those closest to you can see things that you can't. We all have blindspots, there is no shame in that. It can actually be a gift when those closest to you show you how you can make your life even better. It doesn't mean that they have all the answers. But if they are sharing feedback, it might be worth listening to and trying to find answers on your own.

If more than one trusted person in your life is giving you similar feedback, then that is a pretty good sign that it is time to try something new.

I'm definitely not saying you should go against your intuition. Deciding what is right for you is a nuanced process. I'm only encouraging you to ask your automatic responses some critical questions.

Below are some questions about what you believe is keeping you stuck. I encourage you to write your answers down.

• What are you getting from not addressing this topic? And/Or what are you getting from this behavior that needs to change?

• What do you wish those closest to you knew about this struggle? What would it take to be able to share that with them?

• What have you tried so far in regards to this concern? What won't you try? What are you still willing to try? Explain why you will or won't try these things. (write out a list of these answers)

• How would your life be different if this matter wasn't a concern anymore?

• What feels like the easiest or next step towards the change that you want? Whose support do you need or what things need to be in place for this to happen?

• If you don't know what or whose support you need, how can you find out?

The more that you avoid what you fear, the more you are strengthening your fear. Facing your fear and trying something different allows you to build your confidence as you see that you can try new things and learn new information. Sometimes even learning what doesn't work can be helpful as long as you're trying.

Now, I understand that you might not know where to begin and those that want to help might not know where to begin either. That is okay because someone, somewhere knows what you're going through and how to make things better.

How To Bridge The Space In Between

If you are starting to accept that maybe some things need to change, the next step is figuring out how. Of course there are a million different issues out there and million more different ways to approach them. But rest assured that you likely are not the first nor the last to go through the struggle that you are experiencing.

Below are some places to start in terms of finding answers.

• Search for support groups related to your concern. Especially those led by a therapist.

• Read books related to your concerns.

• Listen to podcasts by an expert that understands what you're experiencing.

• Find a class (online or in-person) that might help you learn the skills that you're seeking to gain. Many therapists offer great mental health related courses nowadays.

• Find a therapist that specializes in what you're experiencing.

If you need more affordable therapy options, read this.

Things to watch out for:

• Make sure that the person who's information that you are trusting is actually trained in what you are experiencing. For instance, don't accept medical advice from someone who isn't a doctor.

• While online forums can be helpful place to learn new terms (these can help you search for the help you need) and to feel validated, not all the information on there is helpful or correct. Some solutions in those forums may be dangerous or keep you stuck. Be sure to cross check information using more reliable sources.

• Also, online forums, when used incorrectly can keep people stuck in unhelpful emotional states as it can be an echo chamber of negative sentiments. Pay attention to how you're feeling in your body and mind and how much time you're spending in those spaces.

• There may be a tendency to isolate when you're going through something difficult. This often makes the problem worse. Talk with someone you trust regularly, once a month likely won't be often enough. Schedule when you will reach out to people you trust if necessary.

It can feel terrifying to try something different and approach something that you have been avoiding for years. Especially when the behaviors that you have been engaging in are survival skills. It can feel like new behaviors might leave you completely exposed to danger or like the people in your life wouldn't stick around. While the fears are so very valid, there is so much more support and freedom waiting for you on your path to healing.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through these relationship concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help support you.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.