Do I Love Them More Than They Love Me?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

Ooof! The question alone feels like a gut punch! You've tried to push the thought away, tried to explain it away, but still settles in you like a pit in your stomach. It is deeply painful to consider, but you know you have to face it.

You can't ignore it and you're not entirely sure what the thought means. Are you being anxious? Are you blowing things out of porportion? Are they on their way out of the relationship? What are you missing?

It is a sea of questions without any clear answers. Truthfully, the answers may lie with your partner. But let's talk about what the answers could be, what to do next and how to discuss all of this with your partner. If you have already talked through this with your partner and you're still left with questions, we will explore what to do next. So, let's get started.

Possible Answers

Attachment Patterns

You may have a hard time accepting love due to past experiences like difficult relationships or your childhood. These experiences can leave us with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized), meaning that you don't trust that your relationship is emotionally safe and secure. These fears can cause you to act in ways that are meant to protect yourself, but may actually hurt the relationship. The patterns of these attachment styles can cause you to fear that what you're seeing in your partner is worse than it may actually be (example: you think you love your partner more than they love you) . You may actually be projecting old relationship patterns onto them and acting as if these old patterns are factual. To learn more about attachment styles read this blog post.

Disconnection

You two could be disconnected and having a hard time finding your way back to one another, It is almost like you are two ships passing in the night. This disconnection could be the result of busy schedules, lack of sleep, a challenging life event or a negative event that happened between you two, like a really big fight or a betrayal. If you find yourself in this disconnected place, you two likely need to process through what is causing the distance. If you need help processing a past hurt, read this blog post.

The objective of discussing this disconnection is not just to identify it, but to resolve it, especially if it has been lingering for some time. I say this because it can be tempting to just identify it and then end the conversation after identifying the cause the negative emotions. If big emotions come up at that point in the conversation and it feels overwhelming, you can take a break, but immediately pick a time that you will resume the conversation. Again, you want to resolve the issue, so you can find your way back to one another. If you have tried multiple times to have the conversation and it isn't going anywhere, it might be time to see a couples therapist.

Discrepancy In Feelings

You might actually be picking up on the fact that there is a discrepency in your feelings for one another. This could be because they are losing interest, the relationship is newer and you're growing close at two separate paces, or you're just in a temporary period of disconnection (which is totally normal by the way). Whatever the reason, it needs to be discussed with your partner if it hasn't been already. Let's explore some ways to start this conversation.

Talking With Your Partner

It is extremely common for this to feel like a scary topic to bring up. Essentially, you're asking, "Do you want me?" That is sooo vulnerable! And crucial for you to know. It is normal for you to feel both fear and urgency about this. It is normal to fear rejection when you broach this topic. And I want to gently remind you that avoiding the topic and putting it off will only cause your anxiety to grow as you won't have answers and can continue to imagine the worst. So, how do you start the conversation?

Before you say anything, check in with yourself. Long before the conversation, when you have some time to yourself, create a cozy moment for yourself (comfy clothes, soft lighting, dog at your side, etc) and use your journal to brain dump your thoughts, fears, hopes etc. Set a timer if that helps you. Then bullet point 5 or fewer key points, that came from your brain dump, that you want to address with your partner. Those bullet points might sound like,

• "I've been feeling lonely because we don't have as much time together anymore,"

• "It has seemed to me that you have been feeling less excited about our relationship, does that feel true to you?,"

• "Things have felt off between us since that party. Why do you think that is?"

Notice that these points are approached gently, without accusations and in a collaborative nature. This is to help you prepare for the tone of your conversation. You're looking for their side of things, not to catch them in something. If the conversations feels like a "gotcha" moment to either one of you, stop, take a break and start over later with a more gentle approach.

You may also notice that the phrasing in the bullet point examples is using the "I feel" statement layout. That layout generally follows the format of, "I feel _____ about _____ and I need ______." You can use that format when having this conversation with your partner. The format that I used above doesn' explicitly state what is needed because it is implied in the question. I chose this way of phrasing it because it lends the conversation to being more collaborative.

As I alluded to earlier, these types of conversations can have a sense of urgency to them. This urgency can make the other partner feel like they are in the hot seat and those conversations don't usually go as well. Being intentionally collaborative in your approach can often help balance out the urgency and scared feelings that show up in those moments. You can also be honest with your partner and share that it feels scary and difficult to have this conversation with them. Sharing how you feel in real time can show your partner how important this is to you and it also communicates your honesty and vulnerabiity. This can build trust and connection in the moment.

Your Partner Has Said That Everything Is Fine

You want to believe them, but something feels off. You're not sure if they are being honest or not. They aren't returning to what used to be your connected relationship baseline. They continue to be distant and it feels like there is information that you just don't have.

Reflect to them what you're seeing from them and how that makes you feel. Again, we want to be gentle and use, "I feel" statements. We don't want them to feel interogated. At the end up the day, you want to feel more connected, so you need an approach that is conducive for connection. The Gottman Institute recommends what they call a softened startup for such moments.

If they are still having a hard identifying what is wrong and things are off, despite your best efforts it may be time for couples therapy.

Maybe Everything Really Is Fine

Things may be fine and it may be really difficult to accept that things are going well in the relationship. Some people struggle to believe that they deserve a healthy relationship and feel unsafe when things are stable. When this happens they look for signs that things are really bad. This may even lead to a fight (intentionally or unintentionally). This may make them feel safer, because they felt like they predicted it and that makes them feel safe and in control. Whereas they may have not felt in control or safe when things felt stable.

If this is you, again, you may be struggling with an insecure (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) attachment style. It may be helpful to do some therapeutic work around your attachment patterns. You can do this work individually or with your partner. Attachment work will help you identify your relationship patterns, learn how to notice when they are creeping up, learn about the needs underneath it and learn how to meet these needs yourself and how to work with your pattern so you can meet each other's needs. A great way to do this work with a couples therapist is to hire a couples therapist that is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT or EFT), such as myself.

Getting to the bottom of these concerns in therapy can help you feel safer and more secure in your relationship. You'll be able to relax, be yourself, laugh and feel like you're friends with your partner again.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through these concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help support you.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.