What To Do When You're Two Ships Passing In The Night

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

They're there, but they're not there, you know? You see them everyday, you talk about the things that need to happen like chores, errands, bills, but you never really feel SEEN. There is always something that you feel like you're missing about them. Like you're always reaching for them and never really getting closer. It is hard to connect, hard to feel close.

Slowly, but surely, it drains the life out of you and you no longer recognize yourself or your relationship. It's painful and lonely. And it seems difficult to know how to get back to a place that feels good.

You want to reach across the chasm between you, but at this point its been so long it feels terrifying to try. You're not even sure if you know what you could do to get you two to connect again.

The path towards connecting again will require you to look at yourself as an individual as well as work on some things as a couple. This post covers both.

Your Work As An Individual

When you are hurting in your relationship, it is so easy to think first about how your partner messed up. Or how you need to work on things as a couple.

While it is very important for you to look at what can be done as a couple, it is equally important to get clear on what you're contributing from your side of things. In short, I encourage you to get clear on which emotions you feel, what you need in the relationship, which of your behaviors are leading to these stuck places and which thoughts/unhelpful narratives are keeping you stuck. Write these things down, journal about them and then revisit them later to see if you still feel the same about them or if you have new insights. Let's explore these further.

Your Emotions

When you and your partner are disagreeing, which emotions come up? What are you doing to process through them, validate them for yourself and then take actions that are value aligned? An example would be if you often feel abandoned by your partner when they spend time with other people, can you journal about that feeling and all the thoughts and fears that come with that? Can you then validate that emotion for yourself by making a statement along the lines of "It makes sense that I feel abandoned right now when my partner can't be there for me the way that I want them to be. Of course I want support from them and of course it hurts that I can't have that right now." Can you gently challenge the emotion when it isn't fully based in fact? That could sound like, "Right now, I feel like my partner is trying to hurt me on purpose by not meeting my need. However, I know that type of behavior isn't something my partner does. It would probably be more helpful to validate my own emotions, regulate my emotions and then be gently curious once I am calm."

Your Thoughts

When you feel disconnected from your partner, you likely create a caricature of the worst parts of them. You may project your fears on them, extrapolate their shortcomings to every situation and expect the worst from them. When this inner narrative goes on unchecked it can slowly erode the relationship. It is important to notice the things you say to yourself about your partner, yourself and the state of your relationship. Notice how much of it is true and where there might be some holes in your thinking. For instance, maybe they don't do that thing you hate ALL of the time. Or maybe they don't think the thing that you fear they think.

Once you notice your flawed thinking, it is important to challenge it a bit. To start to poke holes in your flawed thinking, make a list of things you like about your partner and remember that those things are just as true as the things that are frustrating you. Remember to also consider what your role is in the cycle of negative patterns that exist in your relationship. This is not meant to be applied if you are a victim of an abusive relationship. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please check out the resources below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788

Or check out their website here.

In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.

Your Needs

Understanding your needs in the relationship is getting clear on what makes you feel safe and secure in the relationship. Sometimes these will be things you give yourself and other times they will be things your partner will give you. Some examples are physical affection, space, emotional support, equal distribution of chores, playfulness, curiosity, and respect, to name just a few. Right now, just get clear on what they are and later we look at how to ask your partner for these things.

What You Can Do For Yourself

It can also be helpful to be honest about what types of things you have expected from your relationship that maybe you could do for yourself. For instance, if you feel like your relationship should usually make you happy, what ways can you bring joy to your life that don't include your partner? What has led to you expecting that from your partner rather than meeting that need on your own?

Your Behaviors

When looking at your behaviors, consider which behaviors elicit a strong negative reaction from your partner. Or maybe they are the behaviors that help kick off a disagreement or lead to disconnection. These are the ones worth getting curious about. It will also be important for your partner to look at similar behaviors on their side of the relationship dynamic. When getting curious about these behaviors, ask yourself, "What need am I trying to meet?" "What makes this behavior the easiest option for me?" What is the impact (on your partner and the relationship) of this behavior?" Eventually, you want to get to a point where you can consider other ways to meet this need, but spend some time really reflecting on these questions. Once you feel really clear on answers to these questions you can bring these reflections to your partner as a way to take responsibility for your part and invite them to look at their side of things.

Your Work As A Couple

After you finally identify and reflect on your side of things, it is time to consider sharing this information with your partner. You'll know you're ready to share this with your partner once you can think about it and talk about it calmly and feel open to hearing your partner's side of things. This doesn't mean that you can't have strong emotions, it just means that your emotions aren't taking over the conversation.

You can start your conversation by saying to them that you have been reflecting about how your behaviors impact your relationship. Let them know up front that you want to take responsibility for your part and that you would like to hear their thoughts on your relationship dynamic as well. You can also ask them what they think their side of the relationship dynamic is after you share. Prepare yourself in advance that you might hear some feedback that you don't want to hear. You are each equally entitled to share what bothers you.

When you begin sharing your observations about your emotions, behaviors, thoughts and needs with your partner, I encourage you to use "I feel" statements. "I feel" statements sound like, "I feel _____ about _____ and I need." An example would be: "I have been feeling sad about our lack of time together. I need us to start planning some activities we can do together, so we have something to look forward to." You want to remain collaborative in how you communicate with one another. Ask for their input about how they feel about what you're sharing. Ask about what they think could be a solution.

When you discuss one another's answers to the questions in the individual work section, you can start to look for patterns regarding how each person's behaviors impact one another. Then you two can become a team against the patterns rather than one another. This is the underlying work of Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Your Friendship As A Couple

As you each do your own work of implementing changes on your side of things, I also encourage you to work on maintaining the friendship part of your relationship. The friendship part of your relationship is where you genuinely like and enjoy one another. It is lighter, more fun and it reminds you why the work a relationship requires is worth it.

A great place to start engaging in the friendship part of the relationship is to begin to establish something Gottman Method Couples Therapy calls rituals of connection. Rituals of connection are routine things that you engage in as a couple that are reliably enjoyable and allow you two to feel more connected. Rituals of connection can include things like how you say goodnight or goodbye, how you celebrate together, how you show up on bad days, date nights, etc. Everyone's rituals of connection look a little bit different and that is okay.

If you're looking for an easy way to dip your toe in the water in creating rituals of connection or just starting to have enjoyable conversations again, try the completely free Gottman Card Deck app. Inside the Gottman Card Decks app are several card decks that include things like date night questions, brain storming rituals of connection, sharing appreciation, sex questions, sharing emotions and empathy, expressing needs, etc.

One such ritual could be trying new things together. It can be helpful to find fun, new, exciting things to do together. Having new experiences together can help you feel closer. This can be a helpful way to start working on the friendship part of the relationship and make new memories together.

Prioritizing the friendship alongside doing the work of improving your relationship, helps maintain a healthy in your relationship. This balance needs protection, which brings us to boundaries.

Boundaries

Boundaries help keep the riffraff of life from tainting your relationship. When we are not keeping things like our schedules, our work, our to do lists and so forth from getting in the way of our relationship we open up the possibility for disconnection and resentment.

Make sure you're both having good boundaries between work and home. Sometimes when work creeps into your home life it is difficult to be fully focused on one another. You or your partner (or both of you) may start to feel neglected in the relationship. As this sentiment grows, it can cause you and your partner to feel further and further apart.

Continuing The Work

These things that you may learn about yourself and your relationship, you'll want to share them with our partner. A great way to start sharing about what you learn and continue to have conversations about the relationship is by having a Gottman Method Weekly State of The Union Meeting. This is a weekly meeting where you and your partner share positive things about one another and our relationship and you can also talk about past disagreements, things that got missed over the last week and plan for things that are coming up. This can help you track the progress you have made and prevent future issues.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

If you want additional support in moving through the work I outlined, I am accepting new therapy clients. If you would like to work with me as your individual or couples therapist, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.

If you want to do the work, but therapy isn't an option right now, check out my affordable attachment course that will help you fight less and connect more.

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.