Am I The Bad Guy?

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

I hear this line of questioning more and more. It is a question begging to know, is this my fault and can it be helped? Honestly, I think it is a great question. A nice shift from wanting to blame to wondering if you have some responsibility in what occurred. What is even better is the shift of who is asking this question. I used to hear this question more from people who hadn't done anything wrong, but wanted to make sure that they did everything right. More and more, I hear this question from people who truly do need to take some responsibility.

There is one thing I would change though. Let's stop with the labels (mostly). The label isn't usually necessary in taking responsibility. Calling yourself the bad guy (regardless of gender) doesn't change anything and can lead to you over identifying with the role. When you over identify with the label, you may not realize that you subconsciously believe that being the bad guy is a core part of who you are. So, instead of actually changing, you might be making the same mistakes over and over again and wondering why. The why is because you haven't separated yourself from the label.

Truly, being "the bad guy" means that you have some responsibility in a situation and you are not taking that responsibility. While I don't love it when people over identify with this term, I will use it below to address the concern, but I think that there are better more accurate ways of communicating what took place.

You might be "the bad guy" if.........

• You refuse to look at where you may have made a mistake.

• At least two different people that you trust have said that you need to approach things differently and you haven't made a change.

• You refuse to communicate with the person you hurt when you make a mistake.

• You keep delaying repair after there has been some sort of disagreement or disconnection.

• You spend more time blaming and explaining your side than trying to understand how you hurt someone else and how you can make it right. Saying, "I understand." usually doesn't go far enough. Use this post to help you go deeper. Slow down your conversation with them, really listen and repeat back what you're hearing them say.

• You lie or avoid to dodge accountability.

If any of the points above apply to you, know that you don't have stay stuck in this place. You can change.

An exception here if you are dealing with someone who is emotionally or physically unsafe and they are demanding that you take responsbility when they are not creating a safe space for that repair. If you are unsure if you are dealing with someone who is unsafe for this type of work, you can speak with a friend, family member or therapist that you trust. You can also check out this website to see if the relationship that you're dealing with abusive.

If your relationship is safe and you suspect that you have some things that you could improve on, keep reading.

How To Make A Change

What works better is seeing yourself as a human that made a human mistake. Then also remembering that if your goal is to be someone that also treats others well, then it is super important to take responsibility for your decisions and change behaviors.

A part of seeing yourself as a human is understanding that you make mistakes, you have needs, you desire safety and security and these desires can fuel behaviors. For instance, you might lie because you fear that telling the truth would cause people you love to leave. You might also believe that if that person left, you wouldn't survive, so you lie in an effort to survive and remain connected to someone you love.

I'm not saying that this makes the behavior okay, but it does make the behavior understandable. So with this perspective you can acknowledge, "I did something that wasn't okay in an effort to survive (or what you thought it would take to survive, even if you weren't actually in danger).

This helps you be gentle enough with yourself, so that you feel safe. Safety gives you the courage to move towards change. If you only beat yourself up about your past mistakes it would stall you from moving towards positive change. If you only focus on what you did wrong, you may over identify with your mistake and allow it to become your whole identity and maybe even allow it to decide your future. So work to be gentle and understanding with yourself.

A helpful way to start to be more gentle with yourself is through Inner Child Work. Inner child work allows you to see the younger version of yourself. The version of you that didn't know better and had to make quick, hard decisions in difficult moments. This isn't just about you as a child, its any version of you that is younger than you currently are. It could even be you yesterday. To help yourself get into that mindset, picture yourself at a younger age, notice what you wore at that time, what you said, the things you did and anything else that feels like an important part of that age for you. You can find a picture of yourself at this age, if that helps you visualize younger you. Once you have this image in your mind, picture your current self talking to younger you, caring for younger you, enjoying the company of younger you and sharing helpful advice. If you want more guidance, a helpful place to begin this work is to read the book Homecoming by John Bradshaw.

A Possible Mistake

Some people make the mistake of being so understanding with themselves that they only focus on the fact that bad things happened to them in the past, or that these are automatic behaviors and therefore they can't be liable. This is a huge mistake! The moment that that you stop being curious about what is your responsibility to manage is the moment that you become an unsafe person for yourself and others. Being aware of your personal responsibilty in the world allows you to care about how others are treated. It keeps you motivated to keep growing and becoming a healthier person. Everyone wins when you're committed to being a healthier person.

Why It's Hard

It is really hard work to make these changes, but why? There are many reasons. These reasons include having to make quick decisions about how to survive and automatically engaging in behaviors that you learned from your family or your peers or from society. Let's explore these a bit more.

When you have faced a situation that feels dangerous emotionally, physically or socially, you may have been pushed to make a quick decision about how to approach the situation and remain safe. Sometimes you might have even been forced to make this type of decision without any support from others. When you to make a big decision quickly, you are more likely to make decisions based on what you have seen those around you do whether or not those were good decisions. Those around you could have included friends, classmates, family, neighbors, society, etc.

Those who are closest in proximity and influence don't always have the right answers for you. Sometimes they move in ways that reflect popular yet harmful ideas like misogyny, racism, ablism, dysfunctional family patterns, etc. So you might do these things that really hurt other people or yourself because it is what you've experienced. You might receive a big reaction in response because what you did was so hurtful. This big response can start a cycle that makes it difficult to untangle what went wrong and how to make it right because started the interactions was so hurtful. And if others in your life have made or still make these same mistakes they might validate the choice you made that wasn't right for you relationship. So it becomes harder to learn another way.

Also, if you keep engaging in the same pattern, you have created a well-worn neural pathway, that feels familar and therefore somewhat comfortable. In your mind, it is the path of least resistance, so you maintain the pattern.

If you're serious about ending these negative patterns, getting another objective perspective is crucial. This can help you feel better about the information that you're receiving because the person is not personally tied to your situation. The best way to do this is to see a therapist for individual or couples therapy or to join group therapy. This way you can get an outside perspective, be held accountable and learn new skills for enaging in your relationships in a healthier way. Show up ready to take responsbility, be open-minded to new ways of doing things. Doubling down on the things that don't work because you have always done them that way, will not serve you as you try to make these changes.

Changing these patterns is hard work, but it is work that you are capable of. You have already experienced the difficulty of being stuck in a pattern that makes you feel bad about yourself. Engaging in the difficult work of self-improvement is hard work infused with a more hopeful feeling knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let that hope guide you towards the person you want to become.

If you live in Colorado and want the support of a therapist to work through these concerns, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would be happy to help support you.

To learn more about working with me in couples therapy click here.

I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.