Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
Sex can be such a delicate topic. There are so many ideas and judgments that get piled on top of sex and sexuality that it becomes a difficult conversation to discuss. While there is sooo much that could be discussed here, this post is about the importance of sex in long-term relationships.
Sex and Long-Term Relationships
Long-term relationships can bring about differences in libido, lack of time for sex, feelings of stagnation in the bedroom as the same routines feel easiest vs most satisfying and emotional distance can lead to distance in the bedroom. These things are so common and understandable, but that is no comfort when all you want to do is find your way back to your partner. And maybe even go back to the sex-life you had at the beginning of your relationship.
With all these concerns popping up around sex and as connecting through sex feels harder and harder, some start to question if sex is even that important. Maybe if it can be cut out so easily, maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe it is a nice bonus for the earlier stages of the relationship and it isn't as important later on in the relationship.
You And Your Partner's Values Around Sex
Let me first say that each couple gets to decide what their values are as a couple. If you decide as a couple that not having sex, having less, or deprioritizing sex is the right move for you two, that is okay. Whether that decision is temporary or indefinite, that is okay too. The most important thing is that each partner's needs and values are considered in the decision.
So, Is Sex Important?
In terms of whether or not sex is important, yes, it can be. It can be a valuable way to connect and communicate emotion in a way that goes further than verbal communication. It can feel like it affirms the relationship at times, it can show that this relationship is different than other relationships. Different forms of touch can even communicate the different levels of connection within a relationship at different stages. It can feel bonding, and it can be a form of co-regulation, meaning that it can help you and your partner soothe together. Touch is our first language when we come into this world, it tells us that we are safe and secure. It helps us feel connected to ourselves, others and the world around us. Touch is something that we need for survival. Touch can also have a positive impact on our physical and mental health. You may point out that touch doesn't necessarily mean having sex and you would be correct.
Sex does not have to be the only way validation, non-verbal communication, acknowledgement of the relationship and co-regulation happen. There are other ways that can happen, if for some reason sex is off the table. These needs can also be met through quality time, talking through issues, shared hobbies, etc. If you would like to learn other ways to co-regulate, you can get my free 9-page co-regulation guide here. If you would like to learn more about co-regulation and self-regulation, read this.
We can also gauge the importance of sex by looking at its role in marital satisfaction. Sex is one of the top reasons that people divorce. I say this to highlight that it is a value for a lot of people, not to scare you into changing your values or behaviors around sex. I do not encourage anyone to change their values or boundaries around sex based on fear. If you do change your values or boundaries around sex, I encourage you to do so through thorough, thoughtful consideration. That being said, when sex is a common held belief, it is worth discussing with your partner to determine how you want to navigate sex in your relationship. A book that I would recommend in guiding you through these conversations would be Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.
Which Comes First, Emotional Connection or Physical Connection
A big debate when it comes to sex is the battle between emotions and sex. Many times in relationships, one partner wants emotional connection before they feel like they can have sex and the other needs sex in order to connect emotionally. So which comes first? Most times, I would encourage both partners to put in the effort at the same time. It is a bit different when it comes to sex and I will explain why.
Emotional connection should be prioritized before sexual connection because what is experienced emotionally in the relationship carries over into your sex life. Consider break-up sex, angry sex or special occasion sex for instance. Often, these emotional events can more easily inform sex than sex informs emotions outside of the bedroom. Also, because of the possibility of past sexual traumas, the nature of both physical and emotional vulnerability during sex and how male and female pleasure can be prioritized differently it can be very important to clearly establish/revisit emotional and physical safety and needs before increasing the frequency of sex. You may think that because you have discussed these things in the past, that you're clear on what your partner needs. However, people's preferences often change and they forget or are too nervous to update their partner. I encourage you to regularly check in about what is working in your sex life and what may need to change.
Side note, if you would like to improve sexual pleasure, including female orgasm, I encourage you to check out OMGYES!. They provide affordable, research backed techniques to help you or you and your partner experience the sex life you've been dreaming of. Also, it is not a subscription, just a one-time payment.
The Impact Of Trauma On Your Sex Life
Sometimes sex doesn't feel as important or as possible due to past traumas related to sex. This may even include past sexual assault. Sometimes these past traumas can resurface years after they have occurred. It is very important to take you or your partner's sexual trauma seriously and approach it with grace and compassion. If this has ever happened to you or your partner, I'm deeply sorry. It is very important to allow the partner who experienced this abuse the time and space they need to decide what they need in their sex life. The priority of sex might change as you navigate this trauma together. A free resources that I would like you to know about is a free course titled, A Survivor's Guide To Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Abuse by sex therapist, Vanessa Marin. You can check out that free course here. It can be a way to start to address what happened to you and begin to work towards the sex life you want. I also encourage you to check out support groups for both the person who experienced the sexual abuse and for the supporting partner. You can find those Wings support groups here.
I hope this post has given you some topics and resources to consider as you address your sex life with your partner.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
If you would like to work with me to support you and your partner in connecting and communicating better, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
