Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
This might be the information that others don't want you to see. Getting back with your ex can be an alluring thought, but not always the best plan. It can also be the thing that those in your life don't want to see happen because they are acutely aware of the pain that the break-up brought on. Getting back with an ex isn't always a bad idea, but how do you know when it is right? Grab a notebook, because we'll be exploring these possibilities through writing. I encourage you to journal about every question in this post and consider how it applies to your relationship.
What has changed?
You likely had a really good reason why you broke up with your ex. What was that reason? Take a moment to write it down and write down all the ways that made you feel. This exercise is to help you be aware of what you can't settle for in your relationship, should you get back together.
What would need to happen in order to make the relationship possible? Do they need to live closer? Resolve conflict more respectfully? Would they need to share the same beliefs as you? Stop a particular behavior tendency? Whatever it is, I would like for you to write that down as well.
What has changed since the break-up that would make getting back together a reasonable possibility? Is there evidence of these changes that you and others can witness or is this change something that you are just informed of? What do dynamics in the relationship look like? What do circumstances impacting the relationship look like? What do you need to be painfully honest about in your relationship? What broke you up the first time? How do the people you trust most in life feel about your relationship/potential relationship right now?
What Is Your Plan If This Should Happen Again?
If it is possible that whatever broke you up before could happen again, what is your plan on how to address it? How would you each handle your own responsibilities in managing this issue and how would you approach this issue together? These questions can help you remain grounded in the reality of your situation rather than getting caught up in the exciting possibility of getting back together.
Some possible answers could be going to therapy together. Or engaging in other therapy-related resources related to the issue that you're facing. Or maybe breaking up. It can be difficult to consider the possibility of breaking up again, but it is important to be honest about what you could be facing in attempting the relationship again. It is important to reflect on these possibilities both individually and together, so that you two can be on the same team combating against the problem in your relationship. Below are some more questions to journal about.
What resources might be necessary should we face the same problems in our relationship? How willing are we to engage in these resources? What might get in the way of accessing these resources? How would it feel to have to break up with this person again?
If you get back together, you are co-creating the life you want together. You need to consider one another's needs, dreams and deal breakers. This is not a band-aid, this likely isn't a move you want to make just because you're bored. It is something that you want to handle delicately and with intention.
How Aligned Are You Now?
In order for couples to succeed they need to have shared goals, values, support each other's dreams, among other things. How similar are your goals, values and flow of life? Does this feel realistic or does it feel like you're projecting a dream onto a difficult situation? In what ways are you two different? Could these differences compliment one another or would they create too much division? Below are some other possible areas to consider how aligned you two are right now.
How well you each take responsibility for your actions
How (or if) you engage in self-growth
Boundaries with family/friends/others who may take a romantic interest in either partner
How aware are you two when it comes to how your actions impact others
Boundaries with work
What are your operating philosophies on life, for instance: do you believe that most people are good and decent? Do you believe that people are only self-interested? Do you believe in the "The Golden Rule"? Do you have a particular faith or spirituality practice? Is it okay if you different on these things? How will you manage differences in this area
What are your attachment patterns? This could be helpful in understanding what patterns exist in your relationship when you each try to get your needs met and how you will navigate these patterns in a healthy way. If you want to figure out your attachment patterns, you can take my free attachment styles quiz here.
How do you spend your free time?
Do either of you have behaviors that the other person considers to be a vice?
Do either of you have an unspoken goal of changing the other?
What Do Trusted People In Your Life Say?
How do those in your life, who you trust the most, talk about your ex and the relationship that you had? What would they say about you two getting back together? Now, what they say about the relationship certainly isn't the only thing to consider and shouldn't necessarily be the deciding factor. However, it can be important to consider because sometimes your loved ones see patterns and traits that you were too involved in the relationship to see for yourself. For instance, if your partner disrespected your boundaries a lot, but you had grown so used to it that you hardly noticed, it would probably be wise to hear them out about their concerns.
Also, when you're considering getting back together with someone you're caught up in the excitement and anticipation of quenching your loneliness, it can cloud your judgement. This is when it can be helpful to check in with trusted friends, family or a therapist to help you become more aware of your blind spots.
How Will You Ease Into This Relationship?
It can be tempting to get caught up in the emotions of a rekindled relationship and rush into the relationship once again. However, rushing in could keep you from properly assessing whether or not this is the right relationship for you and if you're entering into the relationship in a healthy way. By healthy, I mean a way that allows both of you to feel safe, considered and cared for. It can be helpful to assess which boundaries would be most helpful to have while you two are working to decide whether you should get back together or not and make sure you're taking good care of one another in the process.
These boundaries can also be helpful as you ease into the relationship. Being clear on when it would be appropriate to be exclusive, re-introduce each other to friends and family as being together again, when to be physically intimate again, when to live together, etc. For instance, maybe you wouldn't want to be together officially and re-introduce one another to friends and family until you have processed through some past hurts. Or maybe you wouldn't want to have sex again until you've done some couples therapy together. Two helpful questions to guide which boundaries would be helpful would be, "What do I need to feel safe and secure in this relationship?" and "What boundaries do I need to protect that need?"
It may also be important to process through what led to your last break-up and maybe some other instances from your relationship. For tips on when and how to best do this, read my blog post about The Value of Discussing Past Events.
Sitting on the brink of getting back together with an ex can be exciting, daunting, heavy, plus a host of other emotions. Be gentle with yourself, go slow, listen to your intuition and seek guidance from others that you trust. And remember, if you get back together do it with intention, co-create the next chapter together. If you don't get back together with your ex, there is still love out there for you and you are so worthy of it.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
If you would like to work with me to process this tricky situation, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
P.S. If you want to sign up for my newsletter, so that you don't miss a blog post and you get the latest information about free resources, services and news follow this link. There will be a pop-up on the page that will prompt you to sign up. If you get the pop-up after you sign up, you can use the yellow "x" in the corner of the page on your desktop or bottom of the page (you may have to scroll) on your phone to exit.
This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
Comments