Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
I often find that my clients feel so alone with their problems it's as if they are the only ones experiencing them. This rarely is the case. It is my pleasure to let them know that they are not alone. Sure, the problem is still hard, but knowing that you're not the only one can help ease the pain. I wanted to give others this same relief, so I wrote this post about the most common marital concerns I see in couples therapy. They are listed in no particular order.
Perpetual Problems
The Gottman Institute has found through their research that only 31% of couples problems are solvable and the other 69% are considered perpetual problems as they do not have a clear solution. You can read this Gottman article to learn more.
The point is, if you have concerns in your relationship that feel like they resurface again and again, that is very, very, normal. How you approach these perpetual issues can make all the difference.
I often encourage couples to categorize their perpetual problems in one of three catgories: 1) This is one person's concern to manage, 2) We can figure out how to manage this together, or 3) This is a deal breaker. Let me give you an example of each of these. For instance, let's say that the issue in the relationship is the way that one partner's anger shows up in the relationship. At one point, it might just be one partner's job to learn how to manage their anger. In another season of life, it might be both partner's responsibility to manage the dynamic that leads to the anger. For instance, the other partner is being critical in a way that elicits the anger, they need to shift from criticisms to complaints and the other partner still needs to manage their anger in a healthier way. In another season of life, if the anger escalates to the point of dangerous or abusive behaviors, that would be a deal breaker. The category can change, but re-visiting the perpetual problems to make sure you're both clear on what is considered an issue and what it considered a solution in your relationship at the present moment in important.
2. In-laws
Sometimes you luck out in this department and if that describes you, congratulations! Many people do not get lucky in this department. Common struggles include: in-laws that are overly critical, in-laws that don't like you, in-laws that are judgmental of your decisions, in-laws that are overly connected to your partner and that leaves you feeling like less of a priority. These are tricky situations to navigate and truly, I could write an entire post on in-laws alone. A part of what makes complications with in-laws so difficult is that they are simultaneously a big part of your life and also not a focal point, so you may not have known the magnitude of the issues until you were married. Another painful factor can be that you're encountering family dynamics that have likely been operating in this fashion for decades. So when you point out an unhealthy pattern or even just a single interaction that you don't like, you may get treated like you're the one who is wrong.
You don't get to choose your in-laws, but you can choose how you engage with them. As hard as it may be at times, I encourage you to consider your in-laws' perspectives, validate them when you can and consider working on the relationship rather than immediately cutting them out of your life. The reason that I encourage these things is that you're dealing with family that your partner might have strong ties to. It is worth being mindful and considerate of what these relationships might mean to them. And all of the people in question are complex. Their stories likely have pain, moments of needing to figure out how to survive, grief, trauma and so much more. Leading with compassion, increases the chance that you will be able to achieve connection in these scenarios.
The caveat to this is that if your in-laws are or were abusive, they are unwilling to change, or did something that is otherwise dangerous or unforgivable. It would then make sense that you may cut them out of your life. You and your partner need to be able to have hard conversations to get on the same page about how to interact with the in-laws in question or if you will interact with them at all. This can be such delicate work, which is why I strongly suggest couples therapy. In some instances, family therapy may even be helpful if the in-laws are safe and not abusive. There can be so many factors that you want to handle with such gentleness, fairness and still some firmness. Some of these things may include trauma, deep family relationships, family secrets, betrayal, co-dependency, addiction and enmeshment among other things. A therapist can help you navigate all of these things carefully and with adequate boundaries.
3. Feeling Like Roommates
As time marches forward in your relationship, things become routine and passion tends to fade. You tend not to have as much individual identity as you did when you first started dating. Meaning that much more of your time energy, goals and free time are spent with your partner, or at least communicated with your partner. There is less mystery when this is the case, which can lead to less sex as eroticism thrives on mystery (more on that later). Ester Perel writes about all of this in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. This book can help you understand what has led to feelings of monotony in your relationship and how this might even be impacting attraction and your sex life.
Working to remain curious about your partner can also help you two feel less like roommates. A helpful and free tool to work on this curiosity is the Gottman Card Decks app. It allows you to choose from several different card decks that include date night questions, sharing appreciation, open-ended questions, sex questions, bringing baby home questions and so much more. These help to get curious and stay connected.
4. Sex
Your sex life will have it's ups and downs and that is so very normal. You will likely have dry spells, seasons where you're not trying anything new in the bedroom and maybe even seasons of sexual dysfunction. If you're like most people, your sex education was lacking. As a society, we tend to struggle to talk about sex in a productive way. This, of course, can lead to disconnection in a very important and sensitive part of your relationship.
A great place to start addressing these concerns is to read a book together that applies to the concerns in your sex life. Some Books that I would suggest would be Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life by Vanessa Marin with Xander Marin , Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski. These are three books that normalize the uncomfortable and confusing parts of sex, help you learn things you wished you learned about sex long ago and help you talk about sex comfortably.
Also, making sure that you both have your own individual, interests, hobbies and friends in addition to all of the things you share can help create enough distance at times to help inspire curiosity and desire.
Working with a couples therapist that has taken special trainings on sex therapy or is a Certified Sex Therapist can be the best route to take.
5. Pursuer/Withdrawer Cycle
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, the patterns that couples who have one anxious attachment and one avoidant attachment partner have, are referred to as the pursuer/withdrawer cycle or a dance/tango. If you would like to learn more about attachment read part three of this post. In this scenario, the person that is doing the pursuing is the one who is engaging in more anxious parts of their attachment. This pursuer tends to be reaching out for their partner more and they are doing it in a way that is triggering a reaction in their partner that causes them to withdraw. The one who is withdrawing tends to be the one leaning into the more avoidant parts of their attachment. I want to be clear that in this dynamic there usually isn't just one person to blame (the exception would be instances of abuse). Usually each person has their own side of the dynamic that they need to take responsibility for. What often happens in this cycle is because each person is attempting to protect their needs that make them feel safe and secure, they are less likely to reach for their partner or accept their partner's reach outside of their own problematic patterns. Therefore they would not be taking responsibility for their patterns. The fear is that if they do take responsibility for their actions or try engaging in a new and healthier way, they may be rejected or their need may not be met. This can lead to more big fights or refusing to communicate. This is, essentially, disconnection in the relationship. It can also be helpful to work with a therapist to help you identify all the different ways your attachment patterns are coming up and the ways you can learn to behave differently.
When this particular problem shows up at my office, it is often reported as excessive anxiety, unresolved fights, not feeling close anymore and/or one or both partners not being emotionally available.
What can be helpful with these patterns is learning your attachment styles, your attachment needs and patterns that you two engage in when trying to get your needs met. Once you learn these things you can start to learn how to intervene differently. If you would like to learn your attachment styles you can check out my free attachment styles quiz on my website. For more free attachment resources you can check out my freebies page or my other blog posts.
Certainly, there are many more problems that occur frequently in couples therapy. If you're concern is not listed, it does not mean that you are alone. If you would like to work with a couples therapist to work on your marital issues and you're curious about working with me, click on the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out and schedule your informative, free, 15 minute phone consult.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
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