When One Partner Wants To Blame

Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC

The disagreement begins and you can feel the tension building in your chest. You're filled with dread because you know where this is headed. The argument will inevitability slip into figuring out who is to blame. It doesn't feel fair and it doesn't allow you to feel close to your partner. This pattern just isn't working, but it is such a well worn path that you don't know what else to do. So, you focus on the details of your argument like you're an attorney building a case against your partner, much to your chagrin. But there is another way.

You don't have to keep doing things the way that you have been doing them. You can find a way to hear your partner and to feel heard, to get on the same page and to find a solution. But first, I want to address the experiences on either side of this dynamic.

No matter which side you are on, please read both sides, so that you can grasp the whole picture.

When You're The One Who Gets Blamed

Nearly every time that a fight begins, you can feel yourself begin to hold your breath. You likely have grown very tired of this pattern of most fights devolving into a blame-fest. It feels like you're the "bad one" and you don't know how to convince them otherwise. You may have become fed up with apologizing because it feels like it allows your partner to continue to blame you. Perhaps, you have even resorted to blaming your partner, even though you don't want to, because it feels like the only way to protect yourself. But you know it isn't working, it just leaves you both stuck in a pattern of disconnection.

It's awful and it can feel never ending. You do have some options though. You can have influence on the situation in choices that you make and through the things that you ask for. I want to be very clear, your partner is still responsible for their decisions. It is just as much their responsibility to work towards a better dynamic. Still, we have to start with what you can do because that is the only thing that you can actually control.

For starters, you need to make a commitment to stop blaming if you have started to engage in that behavior. Doing your best to embody the type of interactions that you would prefer to have in conflict starts to change the culture of your relationship. Here is why: you have a pattern that exists where one person does something that kicks off the negative pattern in a particular way (let's call it part A) and the other responds in a particular way (part B). These same part A's and part B's show up in basically the same way each time. You're continually

practicing what doesn't work. To stop engaging in what doesn't work and introduce a new approach necessitates change in the dynamic.

Other things that can be helpful to change are tone of voice, body language, how you start the conversation and the timing of that conversation to name a few. The Gottman Method refers to these considerations as a gentle or softened start up. Starting your conversation with an "I feel" statement can be a real game changer. Just phrase your concern using this structure, "I feel _______ (emotion) about _______ (event or situation) and I need ______ (state what you would like to happen instead).

When You're The One Who Blames

You might hate to admit it, but if you're being completely honest, you tend to blame your partner. This might be because you saw this modeled a lot growing up, or experienced it in past relationships. Or, for some reason, it feels like the most logical way to get to problem-solving for you. You may think, if I just identify the problem, then we can find a solution. What you're missing here is that, what you're actually doing is saying that the problem in the relationship is your partner. This is being really critical of your partner and when someone feels criticized they usually get defensive. The criticism/defensiveness dynamic causes you two to become more disconnected, which doesn't put you on the same team to solve problems.

Gottman Method couples therapy actually lists criticism and defensiveness as two of the Four Horsemen, meaning that if these behaviors go unchecked they can lead to the end of the relationship.

So, how to do you get out of this cycle that you two have created? I'm glad you asked.

What To Do Instead

In short, you give more time and attention to each person's emotions and experiences and get caught up in the details less. If you find yourselves getting caught up in what time something happened, who said what or some other detail, you likely need to change course. I'm not saying that those things are never important, they absolutely can be. What I am saying is that these details are never as important as the impact. The impact is how you each feel and experience things. These are the most human parts of you and if they can't be heard, sat with and validated you likely won't feel like a valued human with your partner, you feel more like an obstacle to their objective. Similarly, if you can't do that for your partner, they won't feel like a valued person with you.

Try to gain understanding into the stories that have led to you and your partner's thinking patterns around these issues. What have they experienced that has led them to make sense of things in the way that they do? In the heat of the argument, how do they feel about themselves, how do they feel about you and how do they feel about the relationship? AND how do those feelings impact the relationship? What emotions arise when a disagreement begins? Which, more vulnerable emotions are beneath the initial emotions? And finally, what are the actual needs that fuel the entire interaction? These questions help you get to the core of your relationship issues, allow you to connect and move forward in a productive way. These are the fundamental parts of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and this is why I like to do this work with my couples. It is okay to expect this of your partner as well. Feel free to send them this post if you think that they might be receptive.

To actually explore the parts that I laid out, you can ask these questions outright, you can work with a couples therapist or you can remember these different questions and listen to where you hear them popping up in what your partner is sharing. It helps to slow down, listen to understand and repeat back what you are hearing to make sure that you understand completely. Also, identify your answers to these questions and make sure that you're sharing them with your partner. If you feel like things are too emotionally elevated to address these questions, stop to use some grounding and coping skills before you dig in to the deeper questions. I suggest going for a walk, journaling, using a 5 senses grounding exercise, do some deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. If you aren't familiar with any of these skills, I encourage you to look them up online.

I know that this can feel like a lot of work. I encourage you to go slow (slow is best for identifying emotions and connecting) and have grace for you and your partner. You will make mistakes, but that's okay. The mistakes can help you learn and reroute.

I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)

If you want additional support in moving through the work I outlined, I am accepting new therapy clients. If you would like to work with me as your individual or couples therapist, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.

This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.