Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
It is a horrible option to have to weigh in your mind. You have spent so much time creating a life with someone and then, the thought starts to creep in, "Is it time to go our separate ways?"
If you're willing to search articles online about considering the end of your relationship, this likely is not the first time you have considered this possibility. You probably have had doubts, have not felt like yourself, wondered what is normal, considered what can be done, had needs go unmet, or maybe even have felt completely disrespected or betrayed. You always get to decide what is best for you. You can decide to keep working on the relationship or you can decide to end it. This post is meant to help you decide what is best for you specifically.
Safety
Always, always, always if you don't feel safe emotionally, physically, sexually, financially or mentally, please consider reaching out for help! If you need help deciding if your relationship is too unsafe to stay, please reach out to the resources below. They offer information on their website and have a hotline of professionals that can help you better understand what is considered abuse. They even have resources for safety planning (for safely leaving the relationship) if you decide it is time to leave the relationship.
You deserve safety, you deserve respect, you deserve honesty, you deserve privacy, you deserve kindness. It is normal for you to start questioning your relationship if you are not receiving these things and it is not dramatic to look into this information to see if you're experiencing abuse.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
Or check out their website here.
In the event of medical emergency or if you are in an imminently dangerous situation, please call 911.
Connection
Connection is often the barometer that we pay the most attention to in relationships. We overlook a lot of misalignment in the relationship and even red flags when we feel emotionally connected or we're having fun. I see so often that having fun together is misread as having shared values, goals and flow of life.
It's not that connection isn't important, it's that it is important to get clear about the type of connection that you need the most. There are many different ways to connect. You can experience connection emotionally, physically or sexually, politically, artistically, spiritually, through recreation/hobbies, through tragedy, through humor, through shared circumstances and so much more.
I encourage you to make a list of all the different types of connection that are important to you. Then I want you to prioritize them, list them in order from the most important to the least important and really pay attention to the top 3 maybe even top 5 if you have some that feel really close in their ranking. Notice if these forms of connection are present in your relationship. Write out specific examples of the ways that they are present or not present.
If the forms of connection that you need are not present, ask yourself what you imagine the long-term consequences could be if these needs are not met. If it feels like not having certain types of connection wouldn't allow you to feel like yourself and it fees like compromise isn't possible, then splitting up may be an important consideration. We'll cover compromise in just a bit.
Similar Goals
Sharing a life together becomes much more difficult if you don't have the same goals about where you're going in your relationship. If your careers or life goals take you in different directions, then the relationship might not be the right fit. Now, it is okay and even healthy to be have your own goals for your life that are just for you. For instance, if you have a goal of opening a coffee shop in Olde Towne Arvada and your partner has the goal of hiking all of the 14ers in Colorado and you aren't planning on doing those things together, those are individual goals that could be compatible. Of course you would support one another in these individual goals, but the goals would still be specific to each individual.
Now, if one of you wanted to open a coffee shop and the other wants to live a nomadic van life and travel across the United States, those goals might not be compatible with one another as one requires stability in one place and the other would have you traveling across the country. This can be such a heart breaking realization especially when nearly everything else in the relationship fits so well.
For some people it can feel tempting to consider giving up on their individual goals/dreams. If that is something you are considering I want you to pause for a moment and truly think about how you would feel about your partner if you gave up your goals or dreams to be with them. Would you resent them because you didn't get to realize your potential? Would you feel like they were always indebted to you because of your sacrifice? Is this something that you'd be holding over their head? This can make your relationship feel like a score is being kept, like you're not on the same team and can erode connection over time. It can feel like a miserable way to live. The irony is that this choice to give up your goals or dreams for how the relationship exists now, could end up costing you the relationship in the long run.
Take a moment to write in your journal about this or talk it out with someone who is unbiased. This is a heavy topic and it is okay to take your time to explore it fully.
If you think that there may be some compromises to be explored, then I want to give you some tools to support that work. Gottman Method Couples Therapy offers Dreams within Conflict format to talk through your goals/dreams in an intentional and connected way. Then when you talk through that the Gottman Method Two Oval Method gives you structure for exploring those potential compromises.
Shared Interests, Values and Flow of Life
It is often understood on a basic level that you need to have things in common with your partner. However, it is important that we're clear on what the most important areas are that you need to have in common.
Your day-to-day life is made up of your interests and values and they are a part of your flow of life. These things dictate how you prioritize things, how you view the world, who you interact with and how you interact with them, among other things. What I mean when I refer to a flow of life, is what it feels like to live your life with this person. What type of cadence does it create? Are there lots of events and connecting with others? Or is there more time at home, more resting, more solitude? If they value always having a spotless home and you don't, how does that impact the way daily tasks look? How do you spend and save money and what environment does that help create in your home? How do you and your partner treat others? If one of you is spontaneous and the other is a planner, how do you compromise on that? How might the flow of your life fluctuate with that? When you two disagree is it more quiet, gentle and intentional? Or is it louder, harsher, more impulsive?
The scenario questions above stem from values. They highlight different values regarding rest, socializing, cleanliness and organization, adventure, structure, money, and kindness. There are countless categories that can be considered when it comes to hobbies and values and the flow they create in your life. You and your partner don't have to be identical in your values and hobbies, but you do have to have some agreements regarding these things. In fact, the The Gottman Institute states that 69% of all of couples issues are perpetual, they have no clear solution and need management. So, how will you manage these things? If any of these things differences get out of control, how will you pursue a solution? Hire a financial advisor? Read about personal finance together? Find a hobby you two can share? What would fit each person's values? You don't have to have it all planned out, or completely agree on everything. However, being clear on how each of you generally handles issues and whether or not you feel comfortable with how they handle things can help you feel more confident about how you can approach things together in the future.
What If Something Bad Happened?
If an event has occurred in your relationship that has left you feeling betrayed, left you questioning things you thought you understood left you unsure about the safety, connection, shared interests, hobbies and flow of life, etc making a decision about the relationship might feel more urgent.
It can be absolutely heart wrenching to learn of a betrayal in your relationship. It can feel like your sense of reality was turned upside down. This is a relational trauma and it is okay to treat it like a trauma by being gentle with yourself, asking for what you need, taking time for yourself and refraining from minimizing what happened. It is okay to decide you can't be in a relationship after a betrayal. It is also okay to decide to work on things as long as the person who engaged in the betrayal is willing to take responsibility and work on doing things differently. Gentle reminder, betrayals don't just include infidelity, they can be financial, involve family, matters of reputation, to name a few.
Gottman Method therapy approaches betrayal in three phases. First, the person who was betrayed is able to ask all the questions they need about what occurred. Second, once the betrayed person asked all of their questions and the other partner has shared the truth as well as their remorse, then we work on managing conflict and processing past hurts. This is also a phase where we get clear on what is needed for the relationship to continue and you two are moving forward in a committed way that acknowledges that this is a new chapter in your relationship. The third phase is where you two will be focusing on connecting more deeply. This includes working on the friendship part of the relationship, emotional connection, having fun together and will include physical intimacy as well. These three phases are called Atone, Attune, Attach, respectively. You can read more about this approach here.
If you would like to work with a therapist trained in using this approach (which I am) for betrayals, use the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out. I would love for us to have a free phone consult to see if we would be a good fit.
If You're Wanting To Work On Your Relationship
The best nugget I can share with you if you're giving your relationship another shot through couples therapy, is that at some point (likely early on) you will have to stop straddling the line of whether you want to be in the relationship vs end it. If you decide that you want to work on the relationship, you'll have to fully commit to the work.
This means looking at your side of the dynamic and taking responsibility for your actions. It means that you move forward with the best of intentions and your greatest effort. This doesn't mean holding the potential ending of the relationship over your partner. This doesn't mean waiting for them to change before you put in effort. It does not mean relying on your partner to remind you of the things you were taught to do to work towards change. You need to be willing to remember your therapy homework, remember what your partner wants and needs, take the time to check in with yourself to give yourself good information about what you're thinking and feeling, so you can bring that info to therapy.
Now, you can certainly still acknowledge that ending the relationship is a possibility and something that you're actively trying to prevent. We want to be very honest and talk candidly about this possibility if it is on the table. You just want to refrain from weaponizing that possibility or focusing on that possibility. The majority of your efforts in couples therapy should be focused on what you can each do to move the relationship in the right direction. And yes, it is hard. It is hard to shift from focusing on what your partner did wrong to looking at your part in things. Your partner is not without responsibility in your dynamic and neither are you. This is why it is important to look at your side of the dynamic. It is the only part that you can control.
If you notice that you're not willing to do that work, pay attention to that. Is this lack of desire to do the work telling you that you no longer feel invested in the relationship and the work may not be worth it to you? Or is it alerting you to character traits you have where relational/emotional work may feel scary, painful, not worth it or not your responsibility? This might be something important for you to work on individually so that you can show up better in your relationship.
If you need a space to decide on your own how you feel about your relationship, individual therapy might be a good option. Individual therapy can be a great place to explore your own wants, needs, emotions without the influence/pressure of your partner. Sometimes, especially if you're prone to people-pleasing, individual therapy can be a place to help you sort out your experience and then bring that information to couples therapy or the relationship with confidence. This confidence will serve you well in making hard decisions about your relationship.
If now is not the right time for therapy, books, podcasts, and courses on the issues that you have been experiencing in your relationship can help. If there are attachment concerns in the relationship my affordable attachment course can help. Click here to learn more about the attachment course that you can do on your own or with your partner.
When You Have Tried Everything
Maybe you have tried everything you can think of or at least everything you're willing to try. In fact, this has been going on for a long time. Maybe there is perpetual disrespect, or one person is refusing to do what it takes to make the relationship work, or no matter what you try you can't get on the same page. You've learned the skills, but the chasm between you two feels too large. You fear like you may know the answer is to split up, but it feels too hard to face. It feels too painful to end. If you feel like you're in this place or nearing it, I encourage you to take some time to get still. Find some time to be by yourself to journal, to reflect, to remind yourself that you don't need permission to make the decision you know is right for you. It is totally okay to talk to others that you trust (that can be balanced) about this decision. But eventually, you need to take some time and space to get clear with your own thoughts, feelings and needs and arrive at your own conclusion.
What's Next?
Sitting with this decision is heavy, scary, painful and it needs to be approached carefully, with empathy and the process needs to not be rushed in most cases. Be gentle with yourself, be gentle with your partner and be intentional about discussing this topic with people who can be open-minded, non-judgmental and consider both partners'perspectives.
No matter what happens, relationships that end are not failures. You are not a failure if your relationship ends. These forks in the road can be an opportunity for you to learn about yourself, your partner and allow you to move forward with intentionality in whichever direction is most aligned with what you need.
I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)
If you would like to work with me as your individual or couples therapist, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
