Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
Break-ups suck! They can leave you feeling utterly shattered even when you know that it is for the best. You grieve the loss of someone who was a constant in your life, someone you often went to on a daily basis. You have to learn a new daily routine that doesn't include them. That can be so hard when you spend so much time missing them. You're not just grieving their presence, but all the plans you had together as well. You have to put to rest the hopes you had for the future that included them. This is painful. I don't wish it on anyone. Unfortunately, breaks-ups occur multiple times in most people's lifetime, so I wrote this post to help you get through it.
Closure
You do NOT need to talk to your ex for closure. Closure is a type of acceptance that happens within you. It helps to make meaning of what happened in the relationship and why you broke up; be very clear about this. That makes closure possible. Sometimes you may have to be painfully honest with yourself and accept that your desire of achieving closure with your ex is more about seeing your ex than it is about closure. If we're being truthful, meeting with an ex often results in many more questions rather than closure. Some helpful questions to help with closure are:
What am I needing right now that my ex or the relationship can't give me?
What is most likely to happen if I meet up with or talk with my ex?
What could I be afforded once I move on from this relationship?
Basically, what you want to do is to define your own personal boundaries and needs. Then be clear with yourself about what was happening in the relationship that was not in line with these needs and boundaries. Sometimes it helps to create a list of the things that led you to the break up and read that list when you feel like reaching out to your ex. This can help you make more value-aligned decisions regarding your break-up.
It can also be helpful to engage in replacement behaviors and routines. What this means is that whatever behaviors and routines that you engaged in with your partner, you would replace them with something else that you enjoy and would look forward to. This could include time with friends, trying new things, diving into your faith, traveling, creating art, etc. This doesn't mean that you use these things to numb out from your feelings or avoiding thinking about what happened. You begin to engage in these parts of yourself to connect with you and create space in your life for growth. It will still be important for you to feel your feelings and process the past. It just isn't necessary for you to process the past with your ex.
Boundaries
Decide what boundaries need to be in place, so you don't end up hooking up or getting back together in a way that feels unintentional. Getting back together after a break-up isn't always a bad thing, but it takes great intention and clear evidence of changed behaviors or circumstances, so you don't end up in the same situation as you did right before the break-up. More on that in a different blog post.
You also need to be clear on how you will break the news of your split to the people in your life that will be impacted by this (kids, family, friends, etc). Be clear on how future plans will be handled. For example, if you two had tickets for an upcoming concert, will you sell the tickets? Will one of you go and the other will not go? Will you both go and occupy different places at the concert. How will you handle events where your mutual friends are present?
Be clear on what types of communication are allowed between you two and when (time of day or night or after so many months). Sometimes hearing from an ex out of the blue can hit you like a ton of bricks. Having clear boundaries or blocking their number or social media can be helpful with this.
Occasionally, there may be instances in which you have to see your ex or there is some reason to have a "closure conversation" with them. This might look like a specific event occurred at the end of your relationship that was particularly upsetting or traumatic, you have mutual friends or other connections (or kids) that may require you two to check in again, you work at the same company, etc. Even with these circumstances, it is not absolutely necessary for your two to have a closure conversation, but it may be more likely to come up in these situations. You get to trust your own gut in making that decision, but be very honest with yourself, so that you can make the most value aligned decision. If you're unsure if you could have a closure conversation that would actually be productive, check-in with a trusted person (friend, family member, therapist, etc) that knows you well and could be honest with you. If you do have a closure conversation, it is very, very important to have clear boundaries and expectations that communicated before the conversation starts.
Have boundaries with yourself as well. How will you communicate with your ex (if you talk at all) or about your ex? Will you unfollow them on social media or block them? Please, be very honest with yourself about the impact that stalking them on social media has on you. It can break your heart all over again. What healthy coping skills will you allow? What sort of unhealthy coping skills might you need to keep an eye on? Drinking? Smoking? Over shopping? Or any other behavior that might have a negative impact on your physical or mental health. It might be helpful to consider if having someone (friend, family member, therapist) to help hold you accountable is necessary. Be sure to ask this person if they are okay with being someone that HELPS hold you accountable. I'm emphasizing "helps" because the bulk of the work of holding you accountable, falls on you. It is not advised to try to outsource your own responsibility, this can weaken your relationship with yourself and lead you to become more indecisive.
The Grief of a Break-up
Break-ups come with a lot of ups and downs. There can be so many emotions involved. It can feel tempting to push them down or get involved with someone else to distract yourself. It is important to consider the possible consequences of this for yourself and for the people that such decisions may involve. Always be clear with them about what you're looking for in connecting with someone else right now. Be clear about what you're able to provide and be honest about how long it has been since the break-up. This honesty allows everyone involved to make the best decisions for their needs without anyone feeling duped.
In terms of moving through the emotions of break-up grief, sometimes it will be important to remind yourself what went wrong in the relationship that led to the break-up. Other times, it will be important to engage in replacement behaviors to help you move past your relationship, but none of those things should keep you from feeling your feelings about the break-up. Let yourself feel your feelings. These other tools are only to help you make decisions that are aligned with your values and to help manage your emotions when they feel so big that they might overwhelm you. In order to feel your feelings, do a body scan to sense where you're feeling your feelings in your body, describe your feelings in detail (shape, texture, weight, movement, label, etc), let your feeling know that it is welcome within you. Listen to what the feeling has to tell you. This is where journaling about the emotion can be very helpful. Look up and practice 5 senses grounding techniques and progressive muscle relaxation for when your emotions feel too big. Working to take care of yourself in these ways will help you move forward. It can be slow and painful work, but it does have purpose.
The Next Chapter
What will this next phase of life look like for you? How will it incorporate your values, interests, hobbies and needs? What adventures do you want to set of on? What do you want to explore now that maybe you couldn't before. Make a list. Maybe even journal about things you've been curious about. If you know that you want to get out more, but don't know where to start, check out the Nudge Text App. It has alllll sorts of fun and exciting things to do in Denver. You can also set it to other cities as well, if you don't happen to live in Denver, CO.
The focus of this time should be on healing and connecting with yourself. It isn't always easy, but it can be rewarding. It can be very empowering to realize that you can find connection with yourself or with people who aren't romantic partners. To help you connect with yourself, consider reading this blog post that I wrote, 5 Tips To Have A Healthy Relationship With Yourself.
I know this is hard. I also know that you can get through this. If you would like to work with me (licensed therapist, Ashley Gray) to helpful you get through this break-up. You can reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
