Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
When it comes to you and your partner, things are good. Mostly. The bills are paid, you have fun together, you support one another's endeavors, you get along with one another's friends and families, you know a lot about one another's likes and dislikes, but somehow things feel off. You feel disconnected. What the heck is this!?
You can be in a great relationship with a wonderful person and still feel like something is off. There are a lot of different things that can be at play here.
*Important Note: the hyper links in the paragraphs below will take you to articles that will teach you how to practice the tools that I mention.
Stuck In The Monotony Of The Daily Grind
Most people have a lot on their plate and you probably aren't the exception. With your mind on your to do list and constantly running from one obligation to another, it becomes difficult to connect with yourself, let alone your partner. Sometimes, you might even have so much going on that it feels like all you can focus on is what is absolutely necessary. It can feel like such a heavy lift to plan a date night or stay awake long enough to really check in. No time for fun and very little time for connection. Somehow it can feel boring and busy at the same time and can suck the life right out of the relationship.
Not only that, you may be trusting the strength and comfort of the relationship so much that you are underestimating the effort and intention that needs to be put forth in your relationship.
The Gottman Institute suggests that creating rituals of connections can help. Rituals of Connection are routine parts of your life together that are set aside for quality connection. These can be date nights, holidays, how you check in at the end of the day, how you say good-bye, etc. These rituals don't have to take very long, but they do have to be intentional and quality moments.
2. Not Making Emotional Intimacy A Priority
As a part of being caught up in the busyness of things, emotions can get tucked away without too much thought. Naturally, as a therapist, I would advise against such a thing. And I know that it can be so easy to do. Society often praises tucking emotions aside in order to be productive. It is so easy for these societal norms to sneak into your relationship.
When this happens, you may not notice it right away. Eventually, however, resentments about unmet emotional needs may creep up.
In order to prevent this, the Gottman Institute suggests having a weekly meeting to check-in called the State of the Union. This weekly meeting is structured and guides you to share appreciation with one another, check in about what has been going well in the relationship lately, process any unresolved concerns, plan for upcoming events and check-in about what you each need to be loved well in the coming week. I've seen this make a big difference for couples. It can prevent future disagreements by giving you a regular space to check in about things that usually would turn into a fight. You can expect the State of the Union meetings to take 20-60 minutes each week. If you find that you're starting to go over the 60 minute limit, I would suggest, putting a pin in the discussion and scheduling another time that week to wrap up the rest of the discussion, if possible. The reason being that if each meeting takes a long time, it becomes harder to schedule your meetings and you tend to dread it more, which can lead to no longer doing weekly meetings.
3. Not Prioritizing Physical Intimacy
If your aren't prioritizing emotional intimacy, then a lack of physical intimacy may naturally follow. Sex lives often are a mirror to the emotional connection in your life. This lack of physical intimacy is unfortunate, since sex can be fantastic way to communicate the depths of the relationship in way that nothing else can.Even when you have started to prioritize emotional intimacy, it can feel awkward to transition back into having sex regularly.
If you're wanting to prioritize physical affection once again the Six second kiss and 20 second hug can be an approachable way to start. This can be a ritual of connection at the beginning or end of your day together when you part ways for the day or reunite. If your sex life has hit a dry spell this can allow you to ease back into affection, so that moving on to physical intimacy doesn't feel like such a big jump. This ritual does that by normalizing physical affection again by making it a part of your routine. The length of time for each of these moments allows the interaction to have more intentionality. DO NOT let these routines become so rote that you shorten the amount of time that you hug or kiss. The length of time is part of what makes this practice helpful.
4. Not Keeping Up With One Another's Changing World's
Again, when you're busy you may not be checking in with one another's experiences, especially the things that you don't encounter every day or are more conceptual than individual facts. When this goes on long enough you can start to feel like you and your partner don't even know each other anymore. Not to fear though, there is a quick and easy way to move things in the right direction again.
Gottman Card Deck App is a fun and easy (and free!) way to start connecting about one another's experiences. Inside the app are a bunch of card decks with topics ranging from date nights, to sharing appreciation, to talking about sex, to feelings, to bring baby home, etc. Each card deck will have an explanation of how to use it. Using this app just 5-10 minutes a week can be helpful. It can be great for date nights, road trips or when you're relaxing together on the weekends.
5. Not Resolving Past Hurts
When ruptures occur in the relationship, it can be difficult to fully discuss these issues to the point of resolution. The source of this difficulty can include fear of facing difficult emotions, fear of rejection, too much going on at that time and so forth. No matter how long it has been since you first encountered this concern, you can always come back to it. In fact, I suggest that you do, to prevent resentments in your relationship. I talk more about the value of discussing past hurts in this blog post. The Gottman Institute suggests using their Aftermath of a Fight to process past events together.
Aftermath of a Fight is a 5-step process that allows you both to shared your feelings about the situation, your realities, your triggers, allows each of you to take responsibility and allows you two to problem solve together to prevent this issue from happening again or responding differently if it does occur again. A very important part of engaging in the Aftermath of a Fight is to make sure you're calm and regulated before you begin the process. This helps you hear your partner better and communicate your needs more effectively. If you would like help learning to self-regulate, you can check out my free self-regulation guide, here.
Essentially, what we're looking at with the paragraphs above, is getting out of your own head and routine and remembering to prioritize deeper forms of intimacy, vulnerability and simply prioritizing your partner above the noise of the world. It is much easier said than done. The rat race can draw you in without asking permission, it's easy to not notice that you aren't prioritizing your partner. Sometimes it happens because so many things in the relationship feel good, you assume that you don't have to think about your relationship as much. You may have been assuming that it was going all smoothly in a very natural way and didn't need your attention.
If you try to account for these things and it feels like you still aren't finding the spark again. It is okay to be honest with yourself about whether or not this relationship is the right fit.
This post had some quick and easy steps to help put you on the right track, but truly diving into the work that may be required could take more time and effort. If you would like to work with a therapist to work through some of these more sensitive issues and you would like to work with me as your therapist. Click on the contact buttons at the top of this page to reach out.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
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