Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
You know that feeling when you know you've been bottling things up for too long and you know you need to cry, but once you finally have the time and space to cry, the tears don't come? It is a frustrating place to be. Especially, since the tears may start to bubble up in moments that don't feel as convenient. You just want to be able to feel what you need to, when you need to. Unfortunately, it isn't always that convenient. I wrote this post to help you access those difficult emotions and let yourself cry when you have the space to do so.
Why Can't I Cry When I Need To?
It can be difficult to pinpoint the reason, but there are some possible reasons why.
1) You may have experienced something very big and emotionally overwhelming and your automatic response was to freeze and numb your emotions. This was just self-protection and you don't have to beat yourself up for this. The information in this post can be helpful to allow yourself to cry and it will also be important to be patient with your process.
2) You may only feel like you need to cry when others are around or when you're in the middle of tasks because a subconscious part of you wants someone to notice and support you. Some people feel bad about this, but you don't need to. It is very natural to want to connect with people and to want to be cared for. You are not wrong for wanting this.
3) You may have learned somewhere along the way that feelings are weakness, inconvenient (that can be true), inefficient and should be avoided, so it feels strange and difficult to access your emotions and cry.
These are all understandable, human experiences and you deserve to take the space to feel them. When I say that feelings can be inconvenient, I'm saying that they can get in the way of what you have planned. Any emotion can do that. Love, excitement, grief, boredom, they can all get in the way of what you have planned. This doesn't necessarily make them bad. And if a feeling is bad in your opinion, that doesn't mean that you don't need to feel it.
Emotions give us important information. It is often said that feelings aren't facts and that is true. It is an important reminder that just because you think something or feel something doesn't mean that what you're thinking or feeling is factually correct. It also doesn't mean that you should necessarily act on feelings. This saying is meant to encourage you to gather more information and make a properly informed and value-aligned decision. Part of that information that you're gathering is what the emotions are telling you. So, don't brush off the feelings/emotions just because they aren't facts. Instead, listen to them. See what they are telling you about what you care about, what you need, what you experienced, what you lost,etc.
Is It Actually Important To Cry?
Yes. Crying can be self-care and self-regulation due to the release of chemicals that crying allows. The release of these chemicals soothes emotional and physical pain and balances our system. It can also feel good to finally let out all of the difficult emotions that you have been holding on to. As painful as the sadness can be at times, crying can also feel like a bit of a relief.
When you don't cry when you need to, sometimes this can lead to bigger emotional reactions in places and at times that you wouldn't choose on your own. You can think of it like your emotions getting backed up in your system until your system can't take it and then they get let out without much warning. This can look like anger that feels overwhelming, outbursts at work or other public places, starting to disconnect from other emotions or emotionally disconnecting in your relationships.
While not crying can sometimes lead to bigger concerns, it is also okay if you're someone who doesn't cry as much or if you go through a period of time that makes it harder to cry. The concern is when you're not crying, but you know that you need to or want to.
How Do I Get Myself To Cry?
I like to encourage people to set the stage for their emotions by choosing a time where they won't be interrupted, they have privacy and they feel comfortable and safe. Having various comfort items (soft blankets, essential oils, tissues, comfort foods, candles, comforting music or anything else you would prefer) around in the area that you want to cry can help. Then, to help yourself cry, you can:
Validate your own emotions through journal writing, art or some other form of expression
Remind yourself of the situation that you want to cry about by looking at associated pictures, listening to related music, recalling the memory in images, looking at old text messages or other items that remind you of the situation in question.
Envision yourself at the time of the event that could make you cry. This might be you at a much younger age. If you see yourself at an age where you needed a safe adult, you can let yourself parent your inner child and say all of the things you need to say to your inner child/younger self especially if there are things you didn't get, but needed when you were younger or if your parents are no longer able to say them to you.
Notice the sensations in your body that are tied to your emotions. Name the emotion(s). Notice where you feel it in your body, note the shape, size, color, texture, movement or any other properties you can think of. Tell the emotions that they are welcome there. This could sound like, "Sadness, you are welcome here." Repeat this a few times to let it sink in. Notice how you feel afterwards. This can be helpful because you're subtly acknowledging that you have been resisting your emotion and you're announcing that you're lowering the wall and allowing your emotions to exist within you.
You can journal about how you're feeling. Here are a few ideas: write about what is coming up for you, write a letter about what happened, write a letter to a younger version of yourself, write a letter to someone that is involved in the situation (you do not need to give it to them), you can have a three part entry where the first part is about what you wish would have happen and the second part is about what did happen and the third part is about how you're making peace between what you wanted and what happened
Trust where your mind and emotions take you. Allow it all to exist without judgment, knowing that your mind and emotions are doing what they feel they need to in order to take care of you.
It is important to have some grounding skills handy in case you start to feel like the emotions are too big and you need to manage them in order to feel safe. This is not something that you have to do, it is just an option if it feels like it would be helpful for you. Some good coping/grounding skills to look up are 5 senses grounding, deep breathing, and/or progressive muscle relaxation.
When you do start crying, be gentle with yourself. If critical thoughts arise, notice the thoughts, welcome them, but you don't have to allow them to take charge. Remind yourself, that it is okay and necessary for you to feel this. That this is all a part of you taking good care of yourself and you have the skills to do this safely.
Be proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to tend to your emotions and mental health. This is work that can take courage to engage in. Good for you for leaning into that!
If you would like to work with me to help get in touch with your emotions, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
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